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it's one of those times again.. one of the times when my blog is of extreme use to me... when i feel my heart sink into my gut and i'm so confused .... and i'll be like "i gotta call.... no i gotta do.... no not that either... " and i really don't have a clue what to do or what to feel... you know what makes me so frustrated? when i dont' know what i want... like... i'll have this set way of doing things and that's what i believe in and that's how it's gonna be for me. period. but ... then i'll enter certain situations where these "ways" are unconciously self-compromised... and then when i step back and look at it... i realize how little sense it makes. like today i was watching Passions at my hairdresser's house and Kay was talking to Charity about how by forgiving Miguel for making love to Kay because he said that he thought it was Charity when he did it, would be hypocritical. and Charity was like "why is that hypocritical?" and Kay's like "welll... if you believe sex to be such a sacred thing and love to be linked to it sacredly then you really shouldn't take that and soften your standards and twist things to make it okay for Miguel to have compromised your beliefs jsut to get him in your bed. doing so makes you the biggest hypocrite i know." and... that's sort of how i feel except i'm both Kay *and* Charity.[oh btw, this is very NOT about sex =P] cuz on one hand... i believe so so strongly in a certain way i shoudl be treated and defend it quite strongly... but then on the other, someone goes and treats me in a way that i usually can't accept but.. for some reason which i don't know, i just let it be... and sometimes i even sorta like it. and then i wonder why sometimes i get upset about it and sometimes i dont' and maybe it's because i shouldnt' have let it happen like that in the first place... ?! if i make a "way" that "must be followed" should i not stick with it, no exceptions? ... if i don't, i sorta feel like i have no dignity... or maybe it's pride... maybe i really do have a "pride issue" ... maybe you were right...