for vida... =) bah- ha [tm on the floor]
and for general amusement. i took this pic out of complete innocence. i didn't know he sprained his ankle. i thought he was just rolling on the ground. i am so bored now i'm describing this stupid picture. i hate school. we should be paid to do homework...

bday update still comin jo... sorry.

"Nothing brings more joy and meaning into any of our lives than the awareness of being loved. " [Anon.]
wow.
this has been a weekend full of memories that are like colours too vibrant to ever fade... i've been looking forward to my sixteenth bday my whole life... and wow. i really got more than i ever imagined.
i'll explain more tommorow.
o/~ I AM SIXTEEN GOING ON SEVENTEEN!!!!!!o/~

half and hour and then it'll be one day.
one day until sixteen. the moment i've been waiting for all my entire life.
people are like "birthday's aren't a big deal" or whatever... but omg sixteen is a big deal. well for me anyways... i've dreamed of this forever.
of being able to drive. [freedom]
of being able to sing "i am sixteen going on seventeen" and actually have it be a reality... except not the part with the guy... but hey, it's gotta happen sooner or later right? hopefully this year.
of being that *magical* age they portray in the movies ... i know life isn't *really* like the movies. but hey, a girl can dream.
there's more.. but i think i've already made a list of all the benifits of being 16 before so i'll spare you from my long windedness =P

news! i'm getting over him.. the guy i like[d] i mean... today as i was walking home with one of my better guy friends and was joking around with him and feeling really great like i usually do when i'm around him... i realized something. it was so sudden like *poof* .. "OH!" ya know? ... this friend... he's so sweet [no i don't like him he's not available] and just... we dont' hang out *that* much but whenever we do... it's like i always feel so wanted and so ... special. like he really actually appreciates me and what i have to say and jsut me. he just acts like i matter. he doesn't look down on me and doesn't act as if he's better than me or as if i am some stupid girl that doesn't know anything. i love being around him. that's the kind of guy i want. [not him but ya..] the guy i currently am interested in doesn't and can't give me that. he's too set in this mindset that i'm some kid who needs to be taught everything or something. and that because of my age i *must* be a certain way... which is totally untrue. he can never really completely know me because he's just too busy remembering about how i'm different and can never equate to his status. [dont' get me wrong this guy is a totally amazing guy! i wouldn't spend so much time on him if he wasn't. and he's really nice....] but he's not the type for me. i think i will jsut love him as a brother and a friend and forget about him as a potential romantic partner because... he can't love me if he won't take the time to truly truly know me. and i deserve more than that. i made up my mind that God wants me to have more. He wants me to have true love. and i'm gonna "guard my heart" for that true love. i may not think that God planned a specific person for me but i think that he planned for me to have true love that's for sure. i definitely do not have the "gift of singleness". anyhoo... i'm gradually getting over the guy. i still have a really strong attraction to him but i think it'll dissappate soon. :) hoorah! then us girlies can start on our "no guy" thing and see who lasts the longest! i bet i lose :P shmeh. i'm still guy crazy.

15 min. to one day now.

feeling blue, didn't know what to do...

then along came a pal and a whole buncha cows...

and made everything happy and cool! ^_^

yeah that's my poem :P these are the less weird of joanna and my webcam pics haha... they made a nice story =P but i think i'm feeling alot better =) and i have resolved to get over the guy that i am currently in like with. no more breakin MY heart! =P ... five days left...

my feelings....
Without You [kiss]
As I sit here and think
about all that I'm missing.
all that I'm missing oh yeah
But everything that
I could ever ask for of you

All the past time i've spent,
wondered how you've been,
wondered how you've been oh yeah
But the more that you're on my mind,
I'm just lonely and blue can't you see

Why can't you be with me to hold me tight,
just being with you will make everything better and right.

Chorus:
I wanna have you by my side
you always make it right
and without you my heart starts to cry
How will I ever go on,
how will I stay strong
don't you see without you my soul dies

boys are really poopie. [some not all] it's times like this when you need your best so much :P jo and i hung out tonite... took pics withmy web cam which i will post for your amusement tommorow.... gotta go to sleep.... slave labour at 8:15 tommorow :P

*inhale*.... *exhale*.... this is me trying to keep myself from screaming and tearing things apart. in and out. in and out. played around with the image some... trying to be artsy and creative always calms me down. just went around with my dad's digital taking pics of my piano, my origami ball, and my cow.... can't wait to upload those pics so i can screw around with them too-- fun! yes i realize i amuse only myself =P i'm not even going to blog about what's bothering me. already prayed about it. asked God to take away my resentment. it worked for like five minutes..but it's better than before. i need to start building more self control which i do not have.

chilled at eumie's today.. chatting and making almond tofu and stuff... somethign she said really struck me though. we were just like talking about who knows what and then she goes "so... do you think you've grown spiritually at all during the last year?" and i was like "erh? i dunno...." i mean, i never really thought about it... but i'm really glad she thought of bringing it up because... gosh. i really need to get going on doing somethign with my life. God's really just been yelling in my ear for the past week. i really gotta quit pushing Him aside and getting back on track. it's so crazy He's been sending me so many obvious obvious wake up calls... i'm just too much of a loser to listen.

went out with heidi tonite. after not seeing her for a whole entire week [her being at western and all] it was so great just to be able to chill. we went to mikeys and sat around with kat and amanda and pastor tim and uncle michael and auntie sandy =) just... relaly nice. and then we went to williams and i got a steamer :) that was really nice too. great fun :) girly time =) *grin* only downside. found out some stuff that made me all bleh.

and now. back to bleh. gosh do you ever get that horrible feeling in your gut... that feeling you get when you know someone you really care about doesn't care at all for you? i got this card from someone once that said "the greatest feeling in the world is the knowledge of being loved." well in the same way i think one of the worst feelings in the world is the knowledge of not being loved. i feel like someone took a knife and stabbed it into my chest and reached in and pulled my heart out. i have that feeling that i just want to scream and cry and cry... but i have no tears. so the feeling is all choked up inside. and it won't come out. it's just inside waiting.... waiting until it explodes and i will burst into a million broken pieces on the floor. i wish i would. then maybe i wouldn't feel so hopelessly shattered inside.

<<== and here it is again. as if we all haven't looked at it enough as it is... anyways.. to continue with my rant/story, my family and i were getting me a backpack and we drove by old navy which my mom was like "oh go in! just go look!" so i was like "k" and we went in. i bought a backpack blablabla and my ten year old sister goes to me as we're leaving "I want a rugby shirt!!!!" O_o i seriously can't believe it. gosh. why would anyone want those shirts? they aren't even really that nice and *plus* EVERYONE has one! it's like the commercial should be "if you want to be a clone, buy a rugby shirt!" which actually rugby players don't even wear =P at least dora doesn't. *anyhoo* my dislike of the rugby shirt is totally not the point of this.

see i was reading my *#1 Best's blog[>] and she was writing about her feelings this first week of gr. 11 and she said "being myself isn't ENOUGH to fit in." Gosh. wow. i never knew she felt that way. and i guess at first when i read it i could only think of about a million things to say to disagree with her saying she doesn't fit in cuz she does for sure in my eyes. all i could think of was to rant to her about how she's just really paranoid or whatever but then... i stopped for a moment. and thought to myself. well, jazz she can think whatever she wants and really, it's not your place to tell her how to feel. i can't say i can relate to her. i dont' get this feeling of not fitting in. but i think i can try to understand. i remember we got into this fight a few weeks ago... she said something to me that really shook me up... i can't remember the exact words but it was something like "i don't feel as if i'm as cool as you and so and so and i just feel like a big loser all the time" gosh i can't think of anything that freaked me out as much as that. this girl is my best friend. and i can't think of anyone who i'd rather be best friends with more than her. but i guess i can stand there and argue with her about how she really does fit in which she does and she's not a loser which she isn't but... i think i'd rather say to her that it doesn't matter about fitting in or not fitting in or whether or not you wear a rugby shirt or if you're the most popular girl in school or if you're the biggest geek in the history of the universe. i mean, honestly who really wants to be the same as everyone else? who sets the standards of what's cool and what's not? i think the people who go around judging others and thinking they are too good for them or whatever are the biggest losers because they lose out on meeting certain people that might have the most awesomest personalities... people who do that, or people that make you think "whoa...... am i WEIRD or something? or do i have a disease? hmmm.. or maybe both..." are either not worth your time or are giving these signals unintentionally.

i have to admit, after this first week and after thinking about this in great detail i realize i really need a huge attitude adjustment. i've been complaining to all my friends about how my classes suck so much on account of "all these weird people" being in them and how "so and so is a really big freak" and i'd have to say i am guilty of trying to ignore ppl who think they are my friends but i dont' consider them as such. the one girl in my chem class (her name is yimeng and she was in my latin class last year) she's really smart and she doesn't hang around the same group of people that i do. i don't like her. i don't like her because she said that if she was pregnant with a baby she'd "kill the thing" and also, she was saying stuff about my friend to people. but i realize that i don't only dislike her for those reasons. i think deep down i'm afraid that if i talk to her my image will go down or something stupid like that. i think i sort of prejudged her even before she did those things because i've always thought of her as "that weird smelly girl". it's really bad i know but i guess i've just never given it much thought. so anyways, in chem she came up behind me and like punched me in the back sorta and i looked up and she was like "HI!" like really happily as if she just found out that her best friend was in her class or something...and i was like "hi..." but i wasn't really friendly and i guess i didn't seem to want to talk to her. i feel so bad. i think that by having some strange idea in my mind that she was "such a loser" makes me such a loser. next week, i am resolving to really change my attitude and give everyone the chance they deserve. i'm going to toss the "i'm the center of the universe" act and just concentrate on loving everyone. afterall, i'm a Christian and as such i should display God's love to everyone. cuz He really *IS* the center of the universe and if he loved all these people so much that he'd die for them as well as me... then who am i to act like i'm better cuz i'm NOT. prayers would be helpful thanks. =) ... and to my #1: [i love you hun just like you are. don't ever dare change, and just screw all those stupid people who try to step on others to make themselves feel better, love yourself and everyone will love you =) they already do. =P] *muah*

<<==== The Rugby Shirt. from Old Navy...
we've all heard the commercials... "the rugby bunch! the rugby bunch!" and anymore and i might have to throw up. =P the other day i went out with my family to buy a backpack cuz my old one broke. and we happened to drive by Old Navy..
[to be continued......]

i was browsing through my friend's site... and found this pic of me somewhere @ UW. i have never even seen this pic before i don't remember it being taken. maybe i was really smashed or something cuz it looks like i'm trying to fly. LMAO!

... pensive. so much on my mind. i wanna let it out. let the thoughts break free from the prison walls of my mind. [rant time] but i can't. whom can i trust? or who can't i trust? i dont' know. i know i trust God. but sometimes it's not enough for me to just tell God. is that wrong? ... i like being comfortable in talking to people. being the outgoing type of person i easily start conversations with people, i can talk to the guys i like ^_~, i don't find it really really diffucult to open up to people about certain parts of my life. some people have the "opportunity" to experience knowing parts of me that i don't share with most other people. but now... i'm not sure... i'm not sure whether opening up those parts of myself was a good idea. it's made me vulnerable. internally naked. like, how is one to know whether people talk about them behind their back? or if those things that may have been intimate were shared amongst others that did not need to know? this is how it starts. this is how masks start. i'm afraid. afraid i'm on the verge of putting back on that mask. a front that everyone sees to be the truth when it is nothing but a costume to protect me from the fears inside my head. but i know it's too late. i have already revealed the real me and it will just be blantantly obvious to people that the mask i have on is just that-- a mask. i don't know -- i say that alot. i dont' know. i dont' know anything about anything. i am so confused abotu everything. you know what bugs me? one sided friendships. it bugs me more when i am the only person getting anything out of a friendship with someone. what the hell is the point of being friends with someone if you're the only one getting anything out of it? i hate that. i feel like a bother.. a burden. a pesky obligation that has to be dealt with in order for someone to ease their concience or make them feel self-righteous. and all i want to do is end it. so why is it that when you talk to people about this sort of thing they care so much? you would think taht they'd just want to ease their burden ... but no. maybe it really does make them feel really really good about themselves. well newsflash, it doesn't make me feel good at all. i don't know. i just don't know.



back to school again =P NNNNOOOOOOO..... today was the first day-- only an hour tho... i got my timetable... i don't have any classes with jo or kat but i have two with dora... other than that i know i have some stuff with robyn and adri but i didn't see anyone else after school today-- we left for mikeys =). my homeroom is ok... i know ppl but none of my closer friends are in my class =P anc. civ is my hmrm... which is good cuz i like history... good way to start off the morning. my teacher is reallllllllyyyy nice. and .... I HAVE DEWITTE FOR ENGLISH AGAIN! =D hoorah! [dewitte is the teacher i had in grade nine that LOVES me and lets me do whatever i want and oh yeah its' really really great =)] lalalalaladeeeddaaaaaa... my schedule's ok i guess. but i am going to have to be such a geek this year to do well. not fun. i'm hoping it wont'; be as hard as i think .... geekiness just really doesn't suit me. =P



so yeah that's my mini update on life... kinda depressing but hey i have good news too ... an issue that was going on was somewhat resolved today which is awesome and .... i turn sixteen in 12 days!!!!!! *^_^* yippeee :)

breathe. in.... out..... in... out....
first day back tommorow. i hate school. i mean, the social aspect is great but... it doesn't make up for the academic part. plus omg what if none of my good friends are in my homeroom?! i might die.
i gotta.. i need to call someone or something.

yay! jo changed my colour scheme for me =) thanks hun! ... it takes me so long to figure out which part changes which part of the blog... *sigh* illiteracy. we have just spent the nite being carefree and happy... and now she's gone ... leaving me to the darker things of life.
*inhale exhale* happy thoughts.. happy thoughts...

ice cream is one of the happiest things i can think of [ thanks gladys! =D ]
i love love love ice cream... my favourite kind is chocolate chip cookie dough =) yummmmmm .. i love cookie dough too! i like it raw. some ppl think that's gross but seriously try it it's amazing... kinda like sushi how everyone's like ew sick raw meat... like i used to be but then you try it and it's like WOWEE!! ... i think i wanna try something new now.. and be pleasantly surprised. pleasant things are nice.. like icecream... [hey wow. if you go back to the top of this paragraph it goes "pleasant things are nice... like icecream... icecream is one of the happiest things i can think of...]
and around and around it goes. how cool. my mind is spinning.
o/~let's leave oh let's get away... get lost in time... where there's no reason left to hide...o/~ *Creed