*inhale*.... *exhale*.... this is me trying to keep myself from screaming and tearing things apart. in and out. in and out. played around with the image some... trying to be artsy and creative always calms me down. just went around with my dad's digital taking pics of my piano, my origami ball, and my cow.... can't wait to upload those pics so i can screw around with them too-- fun! yes i realize i amuse only myself =P i'm not even going to blog about what's bothering me. already prayed about it. asked God to take away my resentment. it worked for like five minutes..but it's better than before. i need to start building more self control which i do not have.

chilled at eumie's today.. chatting and making almond tofu and stuff... somethign she said really struck me though. we were just like talking about who knows what and then she goes "so... do you think you've grown spiritually at all during the last year?" and i was like "erh? i dunno...." i mean, i never really thought about it... but i'm really glad she thought of bringing it up because... gosh. i really need to get going on doing somethign with my life. God's really just been yelling in my ear for the past week. i really gotta quit pushing Him aside and getting back on track. it's so crazy He's been sending me so many obvious obvious wake up calls... i'm just too much of a loser to listen.

went out with heidi tonite. after not seeing her for a whole entire week [her being at western and all] it was so great just to be able to chill. we went to mikeys and sat around with kat and amanda and pastor tim and uncle michael and auntie sandy =) just... relaly nice. and then we went to williams and i got a steamer :) that was really nice too. great fun :) girly time =) *grin* only downside. found out some stuff that made me all bleh.

and now. back to bleh. gosh do you ever get that horrible feeling in your gut... that feeling you get when you know someone you really care about doesn't care at all for you? i got this card from someone once that said "the greatest feeling in the world is the knowledge of being loved." well in the same way i think one of the worst feelings in the world is the knowledge of not being loved. i feel like someone took a knife and stabbed it into my chest and reached in and pulled my heart out. i have that feeling that i just want to scream and cry and cry... but i have no tears. so the feeling is all choked up inside. and it won't come out. it's just inside waiting.... waiting until it explodes and i will burst into a million broken pieces on the floor. i wish i would. then maybe i wouldn't feel so hopelessly shattered inside.