<<== and here it is again. as if we all haven't looked at it enough as it is... anyways.. to continue with my rant/story, my family and i were getting me a backpack and we drove by old navy which my mom was like "oh go in! just go look!" so i was like "k" and we went in. i bought a backpack blablabla and my ten year old sister goes to me as we're leaving "I want a rugby shirt!!!!" O_o i seriously can't believe it. gosh. why would anyone want those shirts? they aren't even really that nice and *plus* EVERYONE has one! it's like the commercial should be "if you want to be a clone, buy a rugby shirt!" which actually rugby players don't even wear =P at least dora doesn't. *anyhoo* my dislike of the rugby shirt is totally not the point of this.

see i was reading my *#1 Best's blog[>] and she was writing about her feelings this first week of gr. 11 and she said "being myself isn't ENOUGH to fit in." Gosh. wow. i never knew she felt that way. and i guess at first when i read it i could only think of about a million things to say to disagree with her saying she doesn't fit in cuz she does for sure in my eyes. all i could think of was to rant to her about how she's just really paranoid or whatever but then... i stopped for a moment. and thought to myself. well, jazz she can think whatever she wants and really, it's not your place to tell her how to feel. i can't say i can relate to her. i dont' get this feeling of not fitting in. but i think i can try to understand. i remember we got into this fight a few weeks ago... she said something to me that really shook me up... i can't remember the exact words but it was something like "i don't feel as if i'm as cool as you and so and so and i just feel like a big loser all the time" gosh i can't think of anything that freaked me out as much as that. this girl is my best friend. and i can't think of anyone who i'd rather be best friends with more than her. but i guess i can stand there and argue with her about how she really does fit in which she does and she's not a loser which she isn't but... i think i'd rather say to her that it doesn't matter about fitting in or not fitting in or whether or not you wear a rugby shirt or if you're the most popular girl in school or if you're the biggest geek in the history of the universe. i mean, honestly who really wants to be the same as everyone else? who sets the standards of what's cool and what's not? i think the people who go around judging others and thinking they are too good for them or whatever are the biggest losers because they lose out on meeting certain people that might have the most awesomest personalities... people who do that, or people that make you think "whoa...... am i WEIRD or something? or do i have a disease? hmmm.. or maybe both..." are either not worth your time or are giving these signals unintentionally.

i have to admit, after this first week and after thinking about this in great detail i realize i really need a huge attitude adjustment. i've been complaining to all my friends about how my classes suck so much on account of "all these weird people" being in them and how "so and so is a really big freak" and i'd have to say i am guilty of trying to ignore ppl who think they are my friends but i dont' consider them as such. the one girl in my chem class (her name is yimeng and she was in my latin class last year) she's really smart and she doesn't hang around the same group of people that i do. i don't like her. i don't like her because she said that if she was pregnant with a baby she'd "kill the thing" and also, she was saying stuff about my friend to people. but i realize that i don't only dislike her for those reasons. i think deep down i'm afraid that if i talk to her my image will go down or something stupid like that. i think i sort of prejudged her even before she did those things because i've always thought of her as "that weird smelly girl". it's really bad i know but i guess i've just never given it much thought. so anyways, in chem she came up behind me and like punched me in the back sorta and i looked up and she was like "HI!" like really happily as if she just found out that her best friend was in her class or something...and i was like "hi..." but i wasn't really friendly and i guess i didn't seem to want to talk to her. i feel so bad. i think that by having some strange idea in my mind that she was "such a loser" makes me such a loser. next week, i am resolving to really change my attitude and give everyone the chance they deserve. i'm going to toss the "i'm the center of the universe" act and just concentrate on loving everyone. afterall, i'm a Christian and as such i should display God's love to everyone. cuz He really *IS* the center of the universe and if he loved all these people so much that he'd die for them as well as me... then who am i to act like i'm better cuz i'm NOT. prayers would be helpful thanks. =) ... and to my #1: [i love you hun just like you are. don't ever dare change, and just screw all those stupid people who try to step on others to make themselves feel better, love yourself and everyone will love you =) they already do. =P] *muah*