helpless


i heave a sigh as i hold my head in my hands. argh. i wish i read the bible more. it's just been so weird these past few days... last night someone who was a really good friend of mine was talkign to me about their life. i guess... well this person's being going through a difficult time and stuff and i was prepared for the bitterness and sadness about it all but i wasn't prepared to hear one thing. my friend told me that they aren't a christian anymore. this is on icq so like i read the msg and just sit there for prolly ten seconds totally stunned. you see.. not only do i care alot about this friend and love them so much and want them to be happy and everything... but this friend was also at a point in my life somewhat of a spiritual role model. it made me recall this girl i once knew when i was like 10.. i looked up to her so so so much and thot that is *exactly* what i wanna be like when i grow up. she was pretty and cool and smart... she cared about me.. and she was what seemed to me a devoted and spiritually mature christian. but then when i was like 13 i found out she became a mormon which she tried to sort of hide by writing in her letter that she'd "switched churches" i can't tell you how much that devastated me. i was so angry for a bit abotu how she could just lie like that or how i'd looked up to her for so long and she just.... and then i just cried, cried for my friend cuz i loved her and couldn't believe that she wouldn't be going to heaven. but it scared me that she used to be a role model to me. anyways. my friend i was talkign to last night didn't become a mormon. i guess he didn't even fully become a non christian but he does't want to be one. or he says he's not but he still believes in God... but he would rather burn in hell then live in heaven with the people who hurt him so bad and call themselves christians. i can't say all of these people who hurt him are completely wrong because there are two sides to every story and i know parts of both. and i can't say that it is justified that he bases his faith upon the actions of others. it's not. but gosh it makes me really think abotu the way i act. becuase i know that one thing i do could make someone lose everything and reject the one good thing in their lives which is Jesus. so crazy... doesn't it scare you to know you have potential power like that? anyhoo... i was praying and praying and just asking God to give me the words... i said some stuff but i think... that my friend just wants love. at least that's what i interpreted from what he was saying.
next thing is that this girl... i guess she's my friend although i dont' know her very well... called me tonight. i was really surprised that she did cuz she's never called me b4 and it's always been me calling her to tell her to come to Praylude or church or stuff... she comes to our church sometimes but she isn't a Christian... actually she's part Buddhist part Catholic... due to the fact that her family fluctuates in their choice of religion and she goes to a catholic school. so we ended up having this discussion about choice of religion and what she believes and how she feels all this pressure cuz she's not totally sure of what she "is" persay. and it was just so weird cuz i always want the opportunity to witness to this girl without having to seem like i'm pressuring her to become a christian. and so God just sets it into my hands... i mean *she* called *me* cuz she wanted to *talk* and she talked about this and stuff. and... i was praying for guidance but i wasn't sure of what to say and ... well... i'm not sure if anything i said made much sense to her. ugh. i feel like i'm walking in circles i'm so frustrated with myself. if God gives me opportunities like this i should be prepared to use them as greatly as i can toward his glory. gosh. i'm sorry Lord...