sloppy seconds

there are two days in the year i anticipate greatly-- christmas and my birthday.
christmas time is jsut a really happy time. and eveyrone's really happy and giving and everything around is just joyous. Although this past christmas was a total flop complete with conflicts and tears.
why do i like birthdays? because, for me, i don't feel special or appreciated very often. and on my birthday it's like the one day where i can feel cared about and like no one's gonna have excuses on why not to be with me. i can pick whatever i want to do and people will do it with me. i get to spend all this time with my friends and feel like i really matter. and everyone gets ONE of these every year. ONE day. and that ONE day that i get, is really important to me.
so, me being me, i started getting really excited months ahead of it and planning out what i'm going to do and stuff and telling people who will not be in waterloo to come up on the 16th (saturday, day after my bday) to celebrate with me. i chose saturday becuase the 15th is a friday and since a bunch of my friends attend ccf on friday nights i felt it would be okay to celebrate on the saturday instead especially since i share my birthday with my friend laura who would probably want to celebrate on the 15th as well. i had all these ideas and plans on how to make my 20th, worthy of a two decade celebration.

but there's no point in celebrating something when the reason you're celebrating no longer exists.

and there was a point tonight where i was just so boiling mad. but now, i'm not. i'm just hurt and sad.

so my birthday is cancelled. that is all.