excuse me

excuse me but i need to say

AHHHRHHGHHHGHHHGHGHGHGHH!!!!!!!!!

i'm struggling with myself. with balancing what i see with what others see with not caring too much what others see with accepting constructive criticism.
struggling with my desire to become more of a woman of God... with the part of me that is confused and angry about things that are happening in my life.
sometimes i want to be proactive. do something about things... look past whatever and strive to be a constructive person... look for what God wants to do-- how is this a part of His perfect plan?
and then there are other times, i jsut want to give up because i'm so overwhelmed and it seems like it wouldn't really make a difference if i just lay down and died.
i have a lot of fears. if you know me you know i'mlike terrified of everything... i'm scared of change. and of the future. and right now... I"M SCARED. is that a crime?!?!?...

i dont' really know what i am trying to say. maybe just that it hurts me when people i thought were close to me don't understand me at all... or when they seem to get angry when i'm not being the most "mature" about eveyrthing... or when my priorities aren't in line... or when i just need reassurance... or when...

oh . right. evyerthing i do seems wrong these days. i guess i just dont' understand why people get upset with me. and i'm not talking about one specific person, it's several people.

why do people get angry/frustrated/disappointed when i dont' think or do or say the right things? when i'm upset about how things are? or when i just want to give up?
maybe i just need a tiny bit of support. since when are you supposed to get MAD at your friends for having problems?!?!... i'm not doing anything to anyone.... i dunno .

i can't even word this properly i'm just so frustrated and sad and scared and ...
i dunno. is that wrong? it seems like eveyrone else has a right to be those things except for me.