the answer to the question

today i said goodbye to my don. and rev south a for the very last time. there's no reason to go back now... no one to help pack or bid farewell to...
and i said goodbye to my ericman. i really dont' know what i am to you, but to ME, you are my brother, my dear friend, who is stuck so close to my heart no matter how far away you are. over in bc it's still yesterday and i wish it was still last week here so i wouldn't have to say so many freakin goodbyes.

what pisses me off about myself is my lack of .. importance i guess. probably my don will go to africa and do AMAZING things (i know she will :) ) and i will be but a speck in her mind if there at all. and eric will be in bc shining his big heart everywhere he goes jsut like he did here... and soon, i will disappear from him. and all the girls will come back in the fall and all those tears we shed... what will they be? maybe some frosh folly brushed aside as nonsense. i dont' have trust. i tried i really really tried but i jsut... can't. you know why?? becuase i'm not memorable. becuase i'm NOT important and i dont' AFFECT anyone. i dont' make enough of an impression on anyone to be actually rememebered or valued. all i've done this year is take and take and take and really, i just dont' give enough to be held in people's hearts. so i'm done.

i'm just sorry i have to care so much about and hold so highly people that woudlnt' rememebr i was around if i didn't jump in their faces all the time.