doing this right now is almost a form of meditation. crazy? maybe... but my mind is completely and utterly filled to the brim right now and over flowing into my fingers that i just can't stop typing right now or at least that's what it feels like.
do you ever think about your life.. no not just your life... your being. step back and look at the big picture of you and realize wow. and you're breathless. at least that's how i feel right now-- breathless. like every breath i'm taking is signifigant-- though normally overlooked as something just completely normal it suddenly seems like such a miracle. and the fact that right now i'm chillaxing in my pajamas (yes my pj's still :P), surrounded by junk and the wallpaper i used to hate when i moved here and listening to Mandy Moore's "Crush" seemingly everyone and everything has disappeared except for myself and my thoughts. i just sit and feel so content in everything.

well i took a good look at myself and my life today. especially since all my many plans were cancelled today i just had time to be alone and think. although a lot of this time was spent on the phone. :) it was nice though because i got to talk to a really good friend of mine-- we haven't really actually talk talked in a while :( but yeah ... somehow throughout our conversation she suddenly asked me how many times a week i actually talk on the phone. and i was confused but answered. i'm not going to tell the whole world that answer except that it's a lot of times.*blush*...and well, she pointed out that whenever i'm drowning in troubles or maybe if i'm only ankle deep in them, my first reaction is to tell someone. and she said it worried her because one day i'm going to turn around and find that there is no one there to talk to because everyone is occupied. "no way" i said. "that'll never happen" i paused. "but what if it does?" she said "what then?" another pause.. "i'd freak" i admitted. so from now on i am going to try and pray about the "traumatic event" first, secondly i'l think about past experiences/advice i have stored in my head and see if the problem is fixable by myself, and THEN talk to someone about it. *grin* that way, i won't be needy forever. hahahahaha
but that conversation struck up a thought in my brain-- the fact that i am SO LUCKY. God's blessed me with so much in life it's crazy. how i deserve such grace is beyond me... i don't actually. God is just so good. i guess that's just unconditional love for ya :) i realized that i'm so lucky to live in this life. that everything around me is so comforting and safe. where new experiences are exciting and no matter what happens it seems there's always someone for me to turn to. if one person's not there i'll got to another, if that person's not that then i'll go to another ... and so on and so forth. i'm so lucky to live here where i'm loved, accepted, and cared for. where i can call people up to drive me places, or people will just offer to do me these huuuuuge favors that just make my life experience so wonderful because i just have a place in the insane world and people that love me and care about me and when i face troubles or rejection, there's always people to stand by me. sometimes, i really do feel like a Princess even though technically... i'm not... but hey, afterall, i AM His Girl! "cuz i'm His girl, i'm an heir to His kingdom, and i'm justified and purified by the cleansing of His blood. i'm His girl and He's made me a Princess and He calls me beautiful and i think that's enough..." ~Fear of God~
i guess i'm really really scared to go to university ... especially when i realize i have only two years left. it's like a *whoa* when i think omg i'm gonna go off to some strange place where i don't know anyone and i'm gonna be living by myself and i think omg i don't even do my own laundry and what if i dont' meet people and i'll have no friends and pretty soon i'm just hyperventalating cuz wow. geez i'm just a baby.

O_o i'm such a drama queen.