that's IT! that's totally it. i'm sick of trying to be "mature" sick of feeling like nothing.
i feel what jo feels except that it seems like people actually CARE that she feels that way.

i feel like i only matter what it's convenient for people. (aside from a select few).
only when it's convenient for them to care, only when it benifits them in some way.
then, and when i outburst, when i get visibly upset.
i've been trying to not care, not feel hurt, not resent that i just get brushed aside.
it's not just people far away forgetting about me. although yeah, that hurts too. hurts when people have made faulty promises. but it's not just that. it's feeling like i don't matter even here. it's like i have to yell and jump up and down in order for people to see that i'm around. and i wonder why the hell do i care? why do i care to call? why do i care to email? why do i care to say hello? i mean, it;'s notlike i dont' have enough friends. not like i have nothing else to do. but i'm sick of making all this effort and having people only respond when it's "convenient" for them. if they dont' care, then neither will i.

when jo and i were talkign about this earlier today she pointed out that if we stopped making the effort, then the other party woudl think we stopped caring. to clear up for anyone else who thinks "what if they think the same thing of you?" here's my response:
"WHy on earth should we be the ones crawling on the ground grovelling for a friendship that THEY don't care about?what RIGHT do they have to say we "stopped caring" when they haven't been doing anything all along?
good gawd. maybe then they can figure out whether or not this friendship actually means anything to them at all. and stop taking us for granted if it does."

and if they dont' care that i dont' care anymore all the better. then no one has to get hurt anymore. no one has to feel like yesterday's trash.