what is a definition of a close friend? -- i decided to make it the people i trust most. [disclaimer: i am not saying that they neccessarily view me as a close friend in return ... i am just saying that these are the types of people that are close to ME because they know parts of me i'd rather have in the dark.] i was thinking to myself... okay so my close friends are the ones i trust... well who do i trust then? i talk to so many people... abotu so many different things... hwo do i decifer whether or not i reallllly trust someone? (because i obviously do not walk around thinking about my level of trust for everyone all the time). i have come to this conclusion. i am pretty open about stuff generally because i do not like to be fake and i don't like to hide myself. how can u develope friendships if all u do is hide? ... so people tend to know things about me and the way i feel. two things exceed this -- these being my spiritual life and my dark side. i have a lot of trouble talking about my spiritual walk with people. sometimes people will be like "you seem to try to change the subject every time God comes up" ... it's just becuase it's so personal for me... id unno why but .. stuff like that is just SO personal... Jesus is really important to me. He is an *intimate* part of me. people think that all i think about is guys and crap and that guys are on my mind more than God is... but it's just because guys are less important and less close to me than God is which is why i so easily open up about it and i guess it gives off the impression that that is all it hink about. (altho i do admit boys *are* on my mind alot but come *on* i am still a girl =P) anyways that is why i tend to shy away from talks about God and my spiritual life.. this does not apply to questions about the bible etc which is fine for me to talk about...
my dark side... i think... it's hard for me to discuss my bad points... well ... not my failures. whatever i don't care if ppl know i fail in things... but more my "evil" thoughts. like sometimes i'll feel somethings... and i *know* it's wrong to feel or think them... i know it's stupid and retarded and just wrong. but i can't "help" but feel it if you know what i mean... despite the crazy efforts i make to suppress those thoughts it seems like i cna't change them and the only thing i can really do is to not act on them. it becomes sort of a burden keeping some of those things inside since i so readily let out much of my other thoughts and feelings. but there's just this huge fear inside me that if ppl find out they will judge me and hate me and... yeah... so if i really trust someone ... i am able to let go a lot more easily. i am much more confident in the knowledge that this person will luv me no matter what ... and so ... i am able to share with them a lot more of the crap that goes through my brain. i guess i had a really good experience with that today. there's been this thing i've been holding inside me for a couple weeks ... buggin the crap out of me trying to push it out of my head and suppress it... ii told no one. not even the person who i normally tell *everything* to. it is jsut a really big deal to me because i just think that this feeling is SO bad.. so anyways... i was able to talk to one friend about it. honestly it felt like this huge huge huge weight being lifted completely off my chest like wooooosh! like all this bottled up hatred being poured out of me finally... i mean, i already knew i trusted this person but i was so afraid still... this is just a big deal to me. i just couldn't fathom anyone knowing and being able to understand and not hate me but this person did. and i guess... i was just like wow. i guess it takes time though. becuase i dont' think i would jsut be abel to tell anyone out of the blue this kind of stuff and expect them to be able to understand or trust them to know these type of feelings. but it takes someone being a real friend. making a real effort. sitting. being patient. listening. actually seeming to care what i have to say lol... Russel Warrad said something that is SO true "the importance of a relationship is reflected in your availablity" there have been a few people who have made themselves completely available to me. and... wow. wow is the only word i can use to describe how blessed i feel.

*thankyou*