i had my mind set on blogging about Christmas today. let's just say things took a turn of events. my feeling right now is... searing pain on the inside. i feel as if i have been ripped to pieces by the ones i care about. ripped to pieces and as each piece is carefully being inspected without my permission and then promptly being seen as unfit and disposed of in the trash. as i turn to pick up the pieces from out of the trash which have been ruled unworthy, i try to fit them back into myself... create myself again. done! i exclaim excitedly and this is me... but then i notice the stench. i have been covered by the stink of the garbage. because that's all i am to anyone. garbage. i know God made me and i know God loves me... so why do my family and friends all think i'm all wrong? what is it that is so horrible about me? why do they not even attempt to understand how i feel? by hurling insults at me is that helping me? NONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this day has been pretty bad. as you can probably tell. i have concluded from the events of this day that:
(a) i should disappear
(b)i am the cause of all the problems
(c) i should become anorexic
(d) i'm ugly, stupid, proud, a show off, and insecure
(e) my room is a mess so that concludes that i'm messed up inside. (yes that is a direct quote)
(f) i'm insecure which means that i do stupid things for example swear and try to kill myself.
(g) did i mention that i'm insecure?
(h) i can't handle any of my problems i can't do anything right i have psychological problems

it's funny how almost all these things are almost direct quotes from my closest friends and family. actually i take that back it's not funny it's sad. it's sad how they think i have problems and don't believe in myself when really, they're the ones who don't believe in me. believe it or not, i say this after talking to someone who DOES understand. maybe not everything perfectly but he/she tries hard. and he/she cares about ME. i'm not perfect. that's for sure. but i am so grateful he/she loves me anyways. he/she told me that even though many of the things said to me today were unreasonable, they were most likely said out of care. after this rant and a bit of time to cool off i believe her. i thank my family and friends who care. but sometimes, insults are not the right way to show it. and sometimes, yelling isn't either. and sometimes when people stand up for me it is easier for me to step down from my pedistool of stubborness and pride and consider what they say out of concern. especially if they say it with an open mind and an open heart. not to mention open arms.