what is the matter with me?
i feel like a mix of myself and this totally different person. a stranger i have never really encountered except maybe a few times in distant memories which i can not recall whether they were dreams or reality.
it's like... half of me is full of anger and swearing and bitterness. and accusations. the deep desire to break out and defy anyone who dares stand in the way of my happiness... and the vengeful attitude that propels me to blaming them for future tragedies i have predicted in my head.
and then the other half is glancing down at my w.w.j.d. bracelet that i *just* bought yesterday and thinking of the song that's been in my head this whole day
"I feel You near me
You sooth me when I'm weary
Oh Lord, for all the worst and all the best
I am blessed"
and wanting to keep my word to people that i am so angry at right now. and wanting to follow God's commandments. and wanting to accept things.

i dunno. i'm so torn up. i dont' know why i keep doing the "right" things when it woudl be so much simpler to do the "wrong" things. i guess i'm glad in a way.
but i still dont' understand why this situation had to occur in the first place. they didn't have a reason. eight months is a really long time.
they dont' understand. or care to understand.
whatever.
just gotta pray and pray and pray.
at least i got to vent.
i don't know.
so hard.
*sigh*