i had the desperate need to destroy myself in some way

sometimes when it all just comes down to your own inabilities... inadequacies... sometimes when you just can't trust right

no matter who you think hurt you or tore you down

it comes back here. to this place where i wanna rip my own heart out so no one else can. walk away from myself so no one else can anymore.

life is hard but God is good. but i'm not.

what is it i need to become that woman of God. to give that all that i haven't given, to gracefully retract my clenching will from it all? to surrender. to learn. i don't know i don't know i don't know.