the greater picture

i almost don't want to blog about this as i'm still trying to piece my thoughts together ... i'm kind of a mess... just marveling at God's... way.

i got into waterloo. and because of this, i took a step back today just reflecting while i was talking to my mom about the year and how crazily everything was planned out... so intricately... so perfectly.

it's been a crazy year. i say that a lot but it truly has. and i really didn't believe i would get into waterloo, and for a time i was so angry with God that it wasn't coming and all i could think was "WHY?! why after all this crap can't i just have this ONE BREAK. it's the ONLY thing i want" God's been trying to teach me about patience all year but it seems like i never learn, trying to teach me about trust all year but it seems as if i'll never get it. but then... this whole UW thing... was so beyond my control beyond my constant need to "DO" something... and i just HAD to give it to God and just keep reminding myself that His plan and His way were better than anything i had planned for myself. It's like, He's proved that to me so many times this year but i just kept on forgetting. and then with this uw thing eventually after just praying and praying and taking the TIME needed to understand... i think i did. waiting on this praying on this i think when i decided on carleton that God really broke me, that i was truly prepared and trusting that no matter what happened, it was in God's hands.

i am BEYOND happy that i got into UW... but what makes me even happier is that it was withheld from me for that long that this whole year has been lesson after lesson. what would have happened? what would have happened if everything had been so easy so simple... i would be even more prideful and untrusting than i already am today.
the song playing "Gratitude" i have sung to myself every day as i'd purse my lips after checking yet another fruitless mailbox. i think gratitude isn't something to be felt only when things turn out your way or even in looking at the bright sides of things... i think it's something i need to try to feel more of every day in knowing that every single thing is part of this huge picture that i can't see, molding me. He sees so much further. looking back to the beginning of this year i just have to cry because He saw all this and i didn't understand it then.. but now... oh but now...

seems as if He always gives it to me after i kinda figure it out. my main dilemma too was if i got in to uw but not into coop... but i got into coop. so i didn't have to make that decision. it's just so clear.
omg this is getting so long but i can't stop it's jsut so unbelievable.

i have so much to learn.