on my mind

I feel like i need withdrawal, and yet, i want to be surrounded by people at the same time. The past few nights i've been sleeping early. Crawling under my comforter trying to focus my thoughts on movies and tv shows where things generally have a happy ending. Where values and morals displayed are those saying "if you work hard, things will work out in the end" or "everyone has someone who loves them".

but movies arent' real life.

and i can talk on the phone about it all i want, i can "logic" myself out of it all i want... but in the end i can't help but be frustrated with things in my life. i can't help but wonder what the point of working so hard to catch up in courses was if in the end all that happened was them screwing up my marks and then not sending in the change until the DAY before people started getting acceptances. so that it's really too late because all the universities have already looked at the marks anyways. and how, HOW is that my fault!??! is it because i dind't try hard enough? is it becuase i'm just not supposed to be happy?!?! i can't help but feel angry that all those universities saw my average as like a seventy eight when i worked my ass off to get that 81 average. maybe highschool is super easy for everyone else but i just switched into these courses in december. and i had to learn three months of material in a matter of two weeks for an exam and write 4 case studies on top of continuing work. and all for WHAT? for them to mess it all up. i hate guidance. and i hate teachers.

and what else... well, one of my best friends this year, see, well like, everyone suddenly is really obsessed with this year... i mean, *everyone* wants to hang out with this person. nto that they * didn't * want to before... but it's mORE now.. just people REALLLLLLLY like them. and it's great! i mean, considering they are one of my best friends i would obviously understand why people really like them right? and i never really thought much of it. except that now i just feel so shoved aside sometimes. not so much that they never have time for me. but that it hurts sometimes when certain people dont' even notice i'm there and my friend seems not to care. like the other week during c spare we went to watch the ofsaa volleyball game and you need your student card to get in right? so this guy that was with us was like "oh she's with me" about my friend so the girl just LET HER IN which was like okay so i thought considering i was "with them" as well i could just go in but no. she like made me scrounge out my grade NINE student card in order to get in and by the time i got in i had to look around for them becuase they didn'te ven freakin bother to wait for me. and then after we left the game we went down to the cafe and there were these two guys at this table and we decided to sit there and eveyrone sits down and there's NO space left for me. my friend goes "sit down" i'm like WHERE THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO SIT!??!! except i dind't say this. becuas ei want to be nice and supportive and whatever the hell else i'm supposed to do. one guy who is a friend moved some stuff over for me so there was a bit of space on the table and i ended up sitting in a crack between two benches. and then the two guys started dealing out cards and dealing in EVERYONE except me. and by then honestly i was pretty pissed off so i got up to say hi to someone in the cafe and then grabbed my bag and started leaving. my friend's jsut like "where are you going?" i'm going somewhere where i dont' have to feel so shoved aside. like i dont' matter at all. i shrugged and left running into witmer and crying and telling him about all this and about how hurt i feel. not because i'm jealous, not because i need the attention from her blablabla but maybe if i coiuld be treated like a human being again that would be nice. so sad how i can tell a history teacher that but not my best friend.

someone offerred to go to prom with me "in case" i don't find a date. i thoguth i was supposed to do the asking for that. it was a nice gesture but it made me feel pretty gd ugly. i didn't even know what to say. i said thankyou. but honestly i dont' know how sincere i could be just because i jsut ... felt like it was just the wrong time the wrong place and just ... i dont; know... maybe i wont' even go to prom.

there's more but this blog is already like a gazzillion pages long.
and i'm sure no one wants to read me whining anymore.
i just.
i never expected this year to be like this. i never expected that i would feel like such a loser in every single aspect of my life. i'm not used to feeling like a loser at all, but you'd think i'd be able to take it. maybe it's just the being an "all around loser" all of a sudden that really bites.