my incompetence

i can't write this. i'm trying to finish my Application Information Form for uw... and i just can't. everything i write isn't confident enough. it's frustrating. i *could* write a whole thing on how i know exactly where i want to be in five years and exactly what i need to do to get there. i could write about how i will never change my mind. but the fact of the matter is, it's a lie. sure, i want to do social work right now. but how on earth do i know if i'll be able to handle it emotionally in five years? i know right now, that i can't. how do i guarantee a certain type of growth? part of the reason i even want to go to waterloo is the security of it. the business background the program offers so that, if things don't end up working out, i have an alternative. i just find it difficult to write all confidently and visionary, when i'm really quite the opposite.

and on another completely different topic, i'm winning the bet. i thought i really wanted to win. i thought i really didn't want to hear anything they had to say. but i think i want more than anything to know that they still have a shred of care in them. i don't expect anyone to understand this. and even if i explained the whole situation, few would understand the hurt of it. Because you don't' know how highly i esteemed this person. how much influence they had on me in my middleschool and early highschool years. thinking about the pedestal i placed this person on makes me sick. i can't explain. this just cut a lot deeper than i thought it would. i almost wish i hadn't written it so that i wouldn't have to get nervous every time i check my email. so that i wouldn't have to feel my heart drop to my stomach every time there's no reply. not that i am surprised. but now, instead of a "sidelines" type of disappointment, it's much more upfront. i'm so so stupid. so. stupid.

-viv's bday party yesterday hehe dress trying on and radio was really good
-FORMAL IN LESS ThAN TWO WEEKS!! (need: new earrings, makeup arrangements, transportation. eep.and someone who can help me curl my hair.)