thinking over

sometimes, like now, i'm caught in this weird spot where i feel as if i'm sitting outside myself looking on. trying to kind of see why i am the way i am... take myself apart a bit... this is what i see right now:

1. I see a girl who is s l o w.
--people make fun of me about being slow alot... 1. i'm always late...and 2. yeah i'm just not really a hurried kinda girl... i just take things "man man day" ... it drives some people bananas. even my mom was making fun of me on sunday about how my turtle mittens represented my slowness :P blah.
but i'm not talking about that kind of slow. i'm talking about being slow at learning.
slow at growing up. slow at figuring out who i bloody AM.
i just keep screwing up numerous times, repetitively screwing up... and i wonder, WHY??? WHY can't i just LEARN!??!!... i thought i'd grow up when i got to university. but i just am falling further and further behind. WHY is it taking me so LONG???

which points to the next characteristic...

2. a girl who is STUBBORN.
-- maybe i just dont' care enough... maybe i just dont' want to walk faster because THIS is the pace i believe that i should be allowed to walk at ... maybe i can only take SO FEW people's criticisms and for the rest i go out of my way to prove that i dont' ahve to listen to them. why am i so immature? i have no idea.
maybe that's what contributes to my slowness.. the fact that i can only let so few people into this little heart of mine. so little shakes me.
God pretty much has to SCREAM in my face half the time for me to learn anything and He has to stick people in my life who will jsut continually shake me and be like GET UP and DO SOMETHING about yourself!!!!
and even when He sends people... i only listen to 1 in a million.

i think the stubbornness and the slowness really overtake the listening most of the time though. and then because i do let so few in and becuase i do care about what so few people say taht if someone affects me then they REALLY affect me. and i just end up not wanting to disappoint them instead of what i should REALLY be doing which is improving myself, learning, doing things for GOD!... which really, is what everything in life should be...

... and also what i wanted to do ... but i failed, miserably... and then worsened it by trying to cover my tracks so as not to disappoint people... which in turn is again, not doing things for the glory of God (and also was probably even MORE disappointing than just screwing up)... wow this is like a cycle eh?

i dunno what the point of this was. i just needed to think about things.
i guess i just have to take bigger strides. i know God hasn't, and will never give up on me, no matter how slow i am.

but has everyone else?

p.s. new links added and rearranged into alpha order :P