since i have nothing left to lose i dont' mind bearing my soul right now in order to get a little peace inside my mind. go ahead, tear me apart, i've already done that to myself so it doesnt' matter what you say really, it can barely hurt me anymore.

i feel like i can't turn 19 next week because i dont' deserve to celebrate.
what is this life?! ... what is there to celebrate about it?!?!?!?!! WHAT!?!?!?
not a thing.

when i woke up on thursday morning and remmebered wednesday night, it was clear to me that God had seen this big picture all along. that all i had tried to fight for had been in vain and that i hadn't heard him as clearly as i thought i had. does anyone know how humbling that is? to know that something you felt SO strongly convicted about was a total joke? that YOU are a total joke. that you proved all these people right beucase you thought you could but you can't.

okay so i admit it. i'm a screw up but that doensn't change how much it hurts.
it doesn't change what i still want fromt he bottom of my heart.
it doens't change how much it hurts to disappoint God or disappoint people who care for you. or yourself.

it seems like i'm too difficult for eveyrone. sorry that i can't be enough that i can't say or do the right things. sorry that i make you mad or annoyed or sad or frustrated. sorry that i put you in positions or tell you things that hurt you.
i feel like everyone's on the VERGE of leaving me by the wayside beucase they jsut dont' have the patience for me anymore. some have abandoned me once before and hey you're pretty much doing it again so GO. GO FOR IT GO. but i dont' mean that at all. beucase i want you to stay.

tell me you still love me and that everything will be okay.

but you can't.