loud and clear

alison always says that sometimes the only way to get through to me is just to yell at me. which is kinda sad but true considering i think God has to do that alot too... "Look at me!!! listen to me!!!! i'm HERE!!! why can't you see that??!?! why can't you see that no one else matters??!" i dunno.

all i know is that right now i feel as if everyone important to me is falling away from me... i feel more abandoned, displaced, unwanted, and alone than i have in a long while and you know what? i think i'm SUPPOSED to feel like this. the frickin creator of the universe loves the crap out of me and all i want to do is go and be with some guy who treats me like a piece of dog feces. or a guy who will never see the beauty that God sees in me. or even my best friends who do have their own lives and priorities no matter how tightly i try to hang on.

but why... why even knowing all of this can't i let go?

"It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone" g.o.