learning about myself

things i'm beginning to learn. i'm so excited that the drama queen part of me wants to say i picked up all these things and God's shown me so much and WOW! this is so great! ... butttt... i know i've only touched the tip of the iceburg. just after such a deep dark rut... even just a little bit of sunlight is blinding.

its weird... campus challenge did not challenge me much to go and reach out to my friends on campus ... rather, it challenged me in terms of my own relationship with God and my lifestyle. i think that's a good thing. i mean we can talk all we want about wanting to share the good news and dadada.. but if our own lives and relationships with God are not good then what is there to share? a message of hypocrisy?
how God affects our lives-- that's where it starts.
from there, well, if God is doing such great things in your life then how can you even HELP but wanna spill it everywhere to everyone? :)

i kinda feel like that right now. OVERFLOW. i just... i'm overflowing with the JOY that comes with being closer to Him... in any case, here are a few things that i learned over the weekend:

TRUST. -- i have... a huge problem with trust. i constantly seek reassurance and just.. i dunno. for me, my "trusting" someone is being able to tell them things and trust that they can keep a secret. i think it frustrates people that i dont' trust THEM as PEOPLE. even some of my closest friends...
i'm learning that trust is something that is placed in someone's CHARACTER. when you know someone... you have to believe that the things that they do are for reasons that are valid even if you dont' know what those reasons are. Trusting God... well His character is MORE reliable than that of even my best friend. He's unchanging. and He always has the purest and best intentions. so when i'm not understanding my life... my struggles... i can still have peace in knowing that it's under control. "He's got it under control." i think i've said that a lot but never really UNDERSTOOD it. and now i'm beginning to.

LISTEN. thought about somethings this weekend in my quiet time with God that i've been trying to run from. Listen. and He'll speak. ... i'm nto gonna share these things cuz they're pretty personal and i'm not totally clear yet. but i'm being pointed in a direction. anyways, i've started journaling again. trying to listen.

MOVE. i know i talk a lot... in part it frustrates me because sometimes people think that jsut because i talk alot that means i don't think a lot. if you know me though, you know that i think alot too. even more than i talk. although, not always before i talk :P haha.. i'm an introvert by nature. shut up really i am. i'm an introvert who has extroverted skills. really, i hate crowds. i much prefer one on one time. sitting on the floor talking away 3 hours rather than loud parties... stuff that you learn in ISS150R haha...
anyhoo... i spend a lot of time with my thoughts. i talk to myself haha... (when people arent' around, obviously) sometimes when peopel are around but i try not to.
you know what the problem is? ... i think and think and think ... sometimes even PRAY and pray and pray but never DO. God's shown me things and i've sat complacent. He's given me dreams and i've waited for them to magically realize. i have troubles and i run or limply cry.
at cc i met some people who REALLY live their lives for God. every minute they try to squeeze just one more thing they can do to glorify God to the fullest extent possible. their lives BREATHE their faithfulness. they try their best, not for their own glory but for His.. as a testimony. i think that's one way in which my small group really challenged me.. in their sharing. and in my workshop on social injustice. i've always always always cared about this stuff... even just talking to maeghan about the orphanage in romania or wherever during the year.. i've wanted to do that for years but i NEVER take steps in accomplishing it. i just allow thoughts and dreams and hopes to fester in my mind.
i'm through with that. really. please hold me accountable. becuase i want my life to be a living testimony .... "a life worthy of the calling" because talk and thoughts are cheap. He expects more. and i expect more.

anyways i'll continue later this is getting really long.. :P ... and it's beautiful outside. :D so peace