i haven't blogged in an eternity. or so it seems now that i actually feel the urge in my fingers to hit the keys like punching bags electric currents of anger flowing from them rapidly... i've just had a confrontation with mr. anal. it wasn't amusing this time. i sigh as i realize how much the rage inside me was boiling ... is boiling. it's like a fire.. i try to keep it down but the sparks of bitter comments and cruel words can't help but jump out of my mouth. i can't remember a time that i have know mr. anal that he has not made an effort to make me feel like an outsider amongst my closest friends. from childhood i believe this is the weapon that he's used against me. to make me wither inside.. to make me feel small. well you win! it works! i feel insignifigant, i feel small. There was one thing he did say though... that might have made a bit of sense. but it doesn't make me feel good. he said "you always say stupid or get a life or other things like that! i hear you! i don't care you say it outside but just please! don't say it in our house!" ... i think i was pretty dumbstruck. a weapon i couldn't dodge because i've never seen in before. frozen i said something lame... i couldn't think of any wise crack or shield to really put up... maybe i have to work on that. maybe not. i dont' know. i just don't like the thought of him pointing out faults in me.

this monday was wonderland! =D tres fun!! got to see candace again which was cool and met her friend john (who dora thinks looks like kevin arnold) and her cousin jason (who was kicked out of his school and wasn't accepted in any other ones because he stupidly said absentmindedly that he was going to kill someone during the colombine incident O_o but he was actually a really funny and pretty nice guy) but the highlight of my day i'd have to say.... was..... meeting jon shaw (candace's hot hot hot hot bro) *grin* hahahahahahaha ... he didn't go on like any rides... so i opted out of Wild Beast to go sit and talk with him... it was ok i guess... i dunno if we had much to talk about... he's just really hot. and nice... and funny... and cool... but ... i dont' think he likes me. for sure not in *that* way. shmeh. why would he? he told me his girlfriend was voted by his school as "sexiest asian girl". joy. that is not an accomplishment i have made. i dunno. i have no hope of getting that first kiss in two weeks. by the way did i mention i'm turning 16 in two weeks and i haven't gotten my first kiss? yeah now the whole world knows my shame.

yesterday nite was kat's bday party! HAPPY BELATED SWEET SIXTEEN KAT!!! now i'm the only one left out of me jo dora and kat that is still 15 =P blech. oh wellies.... s'ok i guess... the party was fun and the food was good =) sushi =D ... i can't wait til mr. sushi opens up again on monday!!!!!! i miss my paradise roll! =P
anyhoo... there's more going on ... but i dont' really feel like making myself any more depressed than i already am... later dayz!

[written on aug. 22, 2002. forgot to publish =P]
if boredom could kill, i would have been dead hours ago.
so... i decided to blog :)
while i was watching Passions, this zellers commercial came on about how great their clothes are or whatever.. HA what a joke! :) a few days ago i went shopping with Vern and we were trying to get her some decent cheap black pants from zellers ... it was soooo funny we just couldn't stop laughing our asses off at all the black pants they were trying to sell.. old lady pants that had elastic and tapered in HAHAHAHA you have to see them to understand the humour in it all... they went up to vern's bra that's how sad it was. i think our unstoppable laughter somehow peeved the saleslady as she eyeing us coldly the whole time. anyhoo, that just came into my head and i realized i never blogged abotu a few days ago... so yeah.

saturday was daniel and tai jing's wedding [ CONGRATS!] =) tai jing was soooo gorgeous and daniel's vow made me cry... i've been thinking about what my wedding's gonna be like since it ended... i have a few things decided (besides my longtime ago decision for the room to be filled with jasmine flowers) i decided i'm walking up the isle to Pachelbell's Canon (sp?) but i haven't decided whether i'm gonna use the orchestral version or the piano version. also, i'm going to have 10 bridesmaids. ... but the thing is... i haven't decided whether i'm actually gonna get married ... due to what Paul says in Ephesians [i think it's Eph.] about wives submitting to their husbands... "Wives and Husbands
22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ]
~ what i don't understand is how the husband is like Christ, "the savior"? husbands didn't save the wife did he? the church submits to Christ because He gave his life for it.. He saved it from death and damnation. the husband on the other hand has done no such thing... it doesn't really make any sense. ... " [excerpt from an icq conversation]
so yeah... but i guess i have a long time to think about it-- not gonna get married anytime soon... but i do have someone in mine muahahahahaha~*~*~*

it was the last day of vbs today... :( :( :( the kids were soooo cute!!! ... welll.... most of them. li spent a lot of the day hanging with this one girl Yu Jie who's sooooo sweet and cute! she's like one of those kids that everyone likes -- even the boys all think she's cool and stuff :) she was telling me about how she was getting a baby brother and was soo excited ... and about how her painting got put in an art gallery and stuff! :) i'm gonna miss vbs... leading stuff is fun... but hey, at least i won't hafta get up so early everyday :)

went to westcourt to "help waiki pack" and then we were gonna see him off at the bus station... but what ended up happening instead was that heidi and him went to the station alone while i sat and talked to jo(siah) for two hours and jo(anna) and dora were eating all his chips and cup noodles *haha* but it was actually really cool cuz jo(siah) is sooo smart abotu the bible... and we were just talking about God and the bible and stuff for two whole hours... it didn't even feel like that long... i dont' think i;ve ever talked about God for that long... but ya know, after that... i think i'm gonna reallllly relally try to read God's word everyday... so that it'll strengthen my relationship with God and it'll help me defend myself against sin and temptation... plus, i guess it's always good to know your stuff so you can witness to others more easily.

anyhoo, g2g sleep... wedding tommorow... nite.

i need some temporary relief of my boredom and depression... and i need to update... so here's to killing two birds with one stone..

"let me take you down cuz i'm going to strawberry fields, nothing is real, and there's nothing to get hung about, strawberry fields forever" i'm so extremely mellow right now-- *sigh* i didn't have an extremely fantabulous day... [buncha stuff] and... well now... now i just feel as if no one wants to talk to me. well.. actually i've been feeling like this for like the past two hours. i don't know.. maybe i'm just being stupid-- prolly. but like, not very many ppl are *starting* conversations which is somewhat abnormal... and some ppl are even ignoring me! [well maybe they aren't ignoring me but it seems like it cuz they're online but they arne't replying... but that doesn't neccesarilly ... nevermind.] perhaps i'm just being really insecure and paranoid or whatever. but *sigh*... i just feel so down in the dumps. maybe the "nobody likes me business" bug is coming back =P blech.

vbs week..
Great Big God : Vineyard
Our God is a great big God [3x]
And he holds us in his hands.

He's higher than the skyscraper,
He's deeper than the submarine,
He's wider than the universe,
and beyond my wildest dreams,
and He's known me and He's loved me since before the world began,
how wonderful to be a part of God's amazing plan!
[chorus]

i LOVE that song... it's got such a catchy tune and cutesy actions... but u know what? it just hit me like when i was typing it... i haven't talked to God much today...maybe this "noone wants to talk to me" thing is God's way of saying "Hey! talk to *me*!" =) cool. i dont' feel so bad anymore... gonna go pray some i think. =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLADYS! :)
back again :) to stay for longer this time :) ... collingwood was a BLAST! =D as usual...
went to the beach every single day! *grin* i love the beach... there were these two guys this one day... who i think heard dora say "i miss my goats" and they came up to us and were like "do you know where the nearest dairy farm is?" "umm no.." "we grew up on the dairy ya know.... do you ever yell at the moon?" "um no do you?" " yeah! it's really cool .. you should try it sometime.." "yeah does it yell back?" "sometimes... and sometimes it comes and bites you in the ass!" [we laugh] "c'mon let's go swim out to the turd"
hehehehehe the turd is referring to this big rock in the lake that we fondly dubbed the "lockness monster" cuz last year in the dark that's what it looked like. but anyhoo, those guys were really cute... kinda weird.. but cute.

dora and i finished watching "A clockwork orange" this year... that is *the most* disturbing movie *ever*. dont' ever watch it... unless you like to feel extremely disturbed. i guess it's rated r for a reason but hey, whatever. while we were watching... it was around two pm... and this guy [i'm naming him mr. Girl due to his extremely high strung vocal chords that cause him to have an annoying girlie voice and also cause him to *squeal* alot. O_o] anyhoo, when we were watching, since mr, girl insisted on joining the girls' "slumber party" upstairs, when me and dora started watching "a clockwork orange" he, being afraid of all horror movies exclaimed "can you turn it down?!" argh... "no! if you don't wanna watch then go downstairs" i call back as calmly as i can. two minutes later "what year was this movie made in?!" "SHUT UP!!!" i felt kinda bad but his sis who is really cool was like "you had it coming" cuz he DID! i mean seriously i have never met anyone as longwinded, annoying, girly, clingy, or just ARGH! k. when were swimming, he insisted on following us everywhere (much like every other place we went) and dora and i, to get rid him, were like "let's play mermaids!!! we need to think of a mermaid name" and we weren't even talking to him... but we thot he might leave cuz what kind of freak guy would want to play mermaids? but he's like "i'm SEEWEED!!!! [squeal]" the thought just sends shivers up my spine. i'm gonna get nightmares just thinking about it...
anyhoo, other than the constant effort in *not* being extrememly mean to him, the week was really fun and relaxing...
i'm helping with vbs this week... the kids are cute :)
anyhoo, that's enough for tonite ... my creative juices aren't flowing... btw, sorry the pictures are screwed up... 0catch is weird..i think i'm going to take that poll down soon anyways...

i'm back i'm back!
and i'm leaving again tommorow =) hahaha... up to collingwood for our annual praylude retreat :) should be a blast =D
talked to a long lost friend from hk today.. he looks really different and he called me a doll HAHA this was over icq-- we sent eachother pics... but yeah.. it's weird cuz when we were just babies we knew eachother and our parents wanted us to get married and blablabla and then when we were a little bit older but still little kids someone asked me what i thot about marrying him.. and i said "ok la but gwo koy sew sew fay dee jeh!" or "he's ok. only he's a little on the chubby side" MEAN! i am MEANNNN!!! but anyhoo, i guess he got back at me cuz he's not fat anymore but i'm a little on the chubby side now =P blah haha oh well such is life i guess..
anyhoo, gotta get to church by nine am sharp tommorow so gonna get off line
for pics from pei and stuff go to http://jelloz.blogspot.com and then to her webshots ... i'll post my pics up when i get back and get them developed...
"I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna soak up the sun" Sheryl Crow "soak up the sun"
later dayz!

i'm in PEI...
it's really gorgeous here... our cottage is right in front of the ocean =)
got an anne of green gables hat today... ya know, the kind with the pigtails ^_^
trying to blog in a hurry...
am i missing a lot at home? :(

i'm about to leave New Bruswick! =( i like Faith's house too much!!!
but i'm still pretty excited about our ocean side cottage in PEI... after the four hour car ride o_O
there's been so much driving-- me and jo and heidi have been crammed into the back seat of my van ... it's interesting how we pass the time besides sleeping... the other day, the kids in the other car (irina daniel and kadin) wanted to play this game with the walkie talkies where they'd sing the beginning of a song and we'd finish it or the other way around HAHA it was soooo funny ... well i guess we were only really amused because of the walkie talkies... but yeah... we were also pleasantly surprised that they knew the words to alot of the singsperation songs that we didn't think they'd remember... =) yay.
anyhoo... i think we're about to head out the door.... blog later... maybe.

leaving for the east coast in around 6 hours =) yay! i'm out! =D
i'm starting to finally get excited =)
will update over there if i can... but if not,
SeeYAz!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DORA and IRINA! [wed. july 17]
watched John Q. at dodi's tonite ... was SO GOOD and SO SAD! i am so thankful i live in Canada with free health care and stuff!

two more days til i'm off to PEI! =D i'm almost outtie!!

i wanna go back to sleep -_-

it's all better! =D

my fingers are itching to type. to take the quivering inside my stomach and the tears flooding my eyes and to transform them in to these letters... to just spill all my confusion, anger, guilt, all those emotions... and just take them away from me. away.. i find that in times that i can't think straight, are the times that blogging matters the most to me. to be able to tell people everything.. but nothing at the same time ...
helplessness... "i feel helpless because i know that right now i can do nothing to help the situation. and no matter what i say or do... or think ... nothing can change what i've done"
i WISH soooooooooooo much that i could just turn back time. it sounds like some corny song or whatever. but i really do.

i had a ton of fun tonite at justin's =) watched "A Beautiful Mind" which was surprisingly a really good movie =) ... justin (of course),esther, celine, wallace, dora, victoria, heidi, kat, jo, nate, and belita were there and tim (pastor) came later on .. good times just chillaxin' ... able to take my mind off of things for a while... then i came home and everything came back and now... argh. it was a really good movie... maybe i'm pscitsophrenic.. maybe i'm just imagining all this... it's not real ... just a big elaborate illusion created by my mind...

one of my greatest faults, i find, is my extreme dramaticness (is that a word?) towards every tiny situation. sure, it's funny having people calling you a Drama Queen and having a shirt that has a Dairy Queen sign on it cept it says Drama Queen instead and whatever... but it is so tiring to care so deeply about little tiny things which are not really little tiny things to me, due to my condition. another one of my greatest faults is the fact that i am at times extremely bratty or self-centered hence *princess*. a lot of the time... i really feel as if i need to have things *my way* or i get angry[which is a bigger deal than it seems because since i am also dramatic, i blow everything out of proportion when i don't get things my way.] my dramaticness also causes me to assume things about people or situations that are not always accurate. Another great fault of mine [boy oh boy i have so many =P] is that i'm realllllllllyyyyyyy stubborn and long winded. *sigh* is that two faults? =P
well anyhoo, these things combined have gotten me into a nasty situation this week. =( i've been told that i am "too caught up in this "nobody likes me" business to listen to anyone these days". Joy. O_o why is it that i can't do anything right anymore? i dont' really think that i think that "nobody likes me" that is not my mentality. my mentality is more "i dont' like myself" than anything else. i realize that i am pissing people off tho because they care about me but i am not really taking into consideration what they're saying due to my stubborness but i do appreciate it. and i realize that i am repetitive and that some people don't have "the time or energy to waste arguing everytime [they] talk to [me]" but oh my gosh i'm just really frustrated right now! i dont' think this blog will even make any sense by the time i'm done... but i need to vent. everything was MY fault i KNOW but for gosh sakes! why does everyone expect me not to care about stuff?! like, sorry, i know i'm dramatic but i was born that way and i can't really oppress the fact that things matter to me alot. what i should oppress is my reaction. but i am NOT the "type" that doesn't give a damn about anything and thinks of only myself all the time. i may be self centered, but at least my selfcenteredness is based upon the fact that i care for other people instead of the fact that i dont' feel like "wasting my time and energy" on fixing problems with my friends. i AM the "type to go off crying about it" sorrIEEEE. i'm sorry for being me. and i'm sorry that the things that matter to me, matter to me. i'm sorry to have caused *you* inconveniences and wasting your time and energy although i guess it doesn't matter considering you are ignoring me anyways. yeah real mature there. sheesh. i have people on my back saying i'm bein really immature about this situation but ok whatever maybe i am. meanwhile everyone thinks your'e so perfect and right about everything. well I think it's immature that you're ignoring me. i'm sorry. i don't want to argue with you anymore. all i want to say is i'm sorry. sorry sorry sorry. too bad *you* dont' read my blog.

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You?quiz.

is this for real? O_o the whole world thinks i'm a big ditz!!! :P blah
i mean seriously, *sigh* ok maybe i do sometimes (alot of the time) talk like an airhead ...and maybe my friends call me "blonde at heart" but really, i'm NOT stupid. honestly! =)

new poll up:: if you would kindly observe the picture to the right of the poll, and vote on what animal you think it is that would be greatly helpful. due to many people traumatizing this animal with confusing remarks about what it is, this animal now has an identity crisis. well, not really. i know what animal it is... but i just felt like seeing what the blog community would say...
old poll results were deleted with the screw up of the old blog template... but *with glasses* won in the end that's for sure... i'm not sure whether i agree. i still think i look like a geek with glasses 0-0 but i haven't opted for contacts yet. :P

fireworks on monday were gorgeous -- i like the ones that look like they are right up to your face and you could just reach out and touch them... and i like the ones that were multicoloured so they looked like SMARTIES too ^_^ i love smarties =D i love Canada... i just feel so blessed to be living here... in such a great country without people trying to oppress your thoughts or whatever... being allowed to believe whatever i want to believe in .. especially being allowed to be a Christian and go to church and stuff.. something many take for granted, but it's such a priveledge not to have to hide underground in order to worship the Lord. ahhhh... it's moments like these where i just want to run up onto a high high place and yell "I AM CANADIAN!" ok. almost. i'm not really that crazy.

saw Lilo & Stitch today!!!!! ^_~ with jo =)
the movie was AMAZING! i'm a Disney FREAK! i incredibly recommend it-- i laughed, i cried, it was better than cats =P
i want a stitch.

actions speak louder than words. WAY louder.

tigger's here right now since justin is somewhere for the long weekend... it's nice to have a dog around... i really wish i had a dog.... animals give a kinda love that humans don't really have...

Also--- HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!!! we live in the BEST country in the entire world!

lessons in life
::the first half of the week::
think for a moment of all the people you care about. all the people who have positively impacted your life and have somehow left a footprint in your heart. how many of those people have you told that they are important to you or that you care about them? due to a situation that occurred this week i was caused to think about the people i care about in my life... and i guess that if there's anything good that came out of this situation is that i learned i need to value people more... learn to value their presence and to treasure every moment i am able to spend with them.. treasure every relationship made. because as much as people like to think that there's always going to be a tommorow for them to finally say "i love you", in a second, that tommorow could be cut off from our grasp. i i guess i just want all my friends and family to know that i care about them... just in case... also, this situation has kind of shaken me to hurry up and start sharing the gospel with my non christian friends and family...cuz at least with Christians you know where they'll be, you know where they're going... and that gives some peace of mind that our Heavenly Father is with them and that one day you'll be together again... but with non Christians... i guess i just want to make as great an effort as possible to ensure that my friendships with everyone will last forever.
also, i resolved to try hard not to judge others before getting to know them... and to try to get to know people even if they seem unapproachable... if God has provided me with a chance to meet people who have the potential to impact my life i should take it... before the chance is taken away...

::second half of the week::
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (err sorry i forget the biblical ref. Phillipians something...)
i won't ever give up. or come close to giving up again. i promise. -- but i understand.

my deepest prayers and sympathy go out to all those who are weary hearted or feel broken because of what happened... especially his family and close friends-- may God comfort you during this difficult time and give you peace in your hearts.

hi :P
wow computers are really screwed.
i dunno what happened but my whole blog just suddenly got really screwed up hence the dullness of it now.
write later..