HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMMIEE!
well i'm back after four whole days :P what ever happened to daily blogging? :)
reading lyds' blog today and thinking about what she said about how there's a certain pressure in blogging to "preform" ... so true! ... i remember when i started blogging way back when.. but not before emily :) there certainly was not as much variety and a way smaller "blog community"... and i didn't think many people read my blog at all, my blog was more for me who at the time when i started was going through a tough situation and felt like ranting and feeling like others were hearing it... and i would go on these huge rants and just spaz beyond spaz... sure i still spaz.. but for some reason... it feels like i've developed maybe a different tone.. and there's certain things i'll think about writing and then i'll be like "no... what would ppl think?" or "i don't know if that would be interesting to put" or whatever.. i remember when a bunch of ppl started telling me they read my blog and stuff i was like "wow really?" and i was talking about it to my parents or something and my dad was like "wow really? well then i guess you really have to watch what you say on there if so many ppl are reading it. no telling what they might think... " and i was just like ... hmmm never really thoguht about it. i think i've tamed up my blog a little since then... i wanna go back in to writing with my heart instead of my mind... i was telling tm yesterday that he shouldn't "edit his thoughts" and should just say what he means... i was mostly saying it because he was taking so long to answer me on the phone because he was trying to think of a good way to say things or whatever. but i think.. that i've really been editting my thoughts before they go down here lately... and i think i should stop. i try to be genuine most of the time in person and before on here too... so i'm gonna try to spend less time thinking about whether stuff sounds right or is good enough... and just spew out me. it'll prolly be more interesting that way anyways :P

something happened this week that i'm really confused about. see, there's this event that's coming up... and my friend "j1" wanted to be in it... well actually it was another friend- "j2" who actually asked her to sing a duet with him for this event although j1 is not directly involved in the group who is putting on this event. so j2 asked the people who are coordinating the event if it was ok for j1 to participate in it with him. he did not ask for her to sing a solo or anything... he didn't ask for her to get up and share her testimony with ppl or anything... but the people who are coordinating it said no. why? because j1 is not in the same "lifestage" as them. this decision was not a predetermined decision made at the beginning before the event was beginning to be organized, but instead was made when j2 asked about j1 being in it. am i annoyed? yes. but at the same time i'm not. people who know me... and even if you dont' really know me well but have been reading my blog should know that i'm really sensitive about the whole age thing. but i guess i dont' really care that much in this situation as it doesn't really directly involve me and j1 isn't very hurt by it. of course, she is disappointed but can live with the decision made. i think i'd be a lot more annoyed if she was hurt. so i guess in a way i'm really not caring about it ... btu at the same time i am. like, j1 wants me to go to this event with her and i said no. it's funny cuz it's a total roll reversal. normally, i would be the one to ask her to come with me to such an event but this time it's her who's trying to convince me without any success.. i'm really frustrated. i feel that i may be being really anal about this whole situation... i dont' know why things like this get to me so much. but ijust really don't feel right going cuz like... it feels like i'm somehow betraying my values if i do? does that make any sense? prolly not eh? :P i guess not many people ever see things the way i do. *sigh* sometimes i really wish i weren't me. before you think that i'm wallowing in self pity, stop. i'm not. i appreciate all the things i have and i'm greatful for how much God has blessed me in my life. it's just that lately, i've been feeling like "i'm a hazard to myself" Pink... like i just don't like WHO i am as in my personality... i take pride in being unique.... having different qualities and preferences than other people... becuase being different is what makes people beautiful! imagine if we were all exactly the same how scary that would be... but sometimes... i really do wish i were a different person because i really can't seem to do anything right. i mentioned two blogs ago that i was a traitor. i'll now explain the situation: i have a crush on the guy my best friend likes. i know it might not sound like a big deal but it is. a few months ago, some people thought i had a crush on my good friend's boyfriend... i flipped out. i couldn't believe that people would think that i would be capable of that type of atrocity against friendship. but now... i'm actually doing it. even tho they aren't going out this time... but the principle is the same. so that's one thing. second... i am sick and tired of my own.... convictions. i dont' mean Christianity :P i mean... like how i totally freak over agist or sexist comments and how it just makes me SO angry. it's hard because no one really seems to understand how hard it is. like... i'm always seemingly the youngest. i guess i put myself in that situation alot since i am friends with a lot of older people... btu even within my best friends who are my age i'm the youngest... i'll be the last to drive... the last to step into a bar (ok that's not THAT big of a deal :P ) btu ya know.. sometimes i really feel like i get left behind ... and i really just hate being treated different because of my age.. cuz i can't help when i was born and i guess it's just the people who love me regardless of the lifestage i'm in or how old i am that i really respect. and it hurts a lot when i'm treated differently because of my age and stuff. that's why it's such a big deal to me. but no one gets it and so i'm just sick of it. i wish i didn't care. it's too tiresome. but i can;t just stop caring about something i care about. that's like .... jsut doesn't work. there's a lot more reasons why my msn name right now is "i hate me..." but i'm sure you don't want to hear my complaints about how much i hate myself anymore (crap am i thinking about the audience again? :P ) well my fingers are tired too... so i am going to stop here ... "i'm a hazard to myself.. dont let me get me.. i'm my own worst enemy.. it's bad when you annoy yourself.. so irritating..don't wanna be my friend no more.. wanna be SOMEBODY ElSE."