wow.
so this is what this feels like.
feelings. what are they really? ... a representation of the weak and very human person that is in you. undoubtedly a part of you, but not who you are as a whole. it's funny because i think i'm starting to realize why God placed this "horrible" situation in my life tonight. it's all sort of coming together. a week ago at tc, Dr. Dennis Ngien said this: "Maturity is the ability to control your emotions."
undoubtedly i am not very mature. those who know me know i express my emotions quite openly and fluctuate both physically and mentally with them. i've grown up being friends with people who are older than me ... like i was identifying with in my friend's blog, always wanting to catch up, always wishing i was in university too... wanting to grow up so fast. it's painful for me to see these people leave every year. especially now. people think it gets easier? it doesn't. it gets harder as i get older and treasure friendships more and more. it gets harder as you actually spend "a lot" of time with these people and get to know them on a much deeper level. they are actually a part of your life and not some voice on the other end of the wire once in a while. and you know, this year, like every year i told myself, "jasy, you're an emotional person. that's just the way it is. and that's how it's gonna be . your'e gonna be sad and that's it." somehow euming told me to read her blog and i'd read it ... but i only focussed on the parts of like being sad about leaving or the things where i was like "YEAH! i feel that too!" ... but i didn't listen.
tonight something completely unrelated and relatively traumatic happened. as i took in the words, took in the feelings every muscle on my body tensed up, my lips pursed, i closed my eyes for a second and ... i started crying so much. incontrollably. i have been crying for the past two hours. bitter and angry and sad and this feeling that is like devastation but worse and i can't describe it. despairity? ... i dunno. i'm not great with words. so i just cried and sat there thinking "so what now God? what do i do now?!" ... i ended up telling my parents what happened. well they said something that didn't hit me until now. and it was like *pop* that's it! ... they said "you know, this is just a part of God's plan... His big plan that you can't see right now... and He's prepared someone else for you that is gonna be so much better... there's a purpose that this happened and maybe He's even using it to show you something." and yeah i kinda brushed it off cuz i know all the parts abotu there being someone prepared for me that is perfect for me and i believe it. but i guess why this hurt me was not because of what i did and did not get. but it was because of my questioning of my worth, the questioning of the value of my friendship, and just... feeling like.... like nothing. and the knowing that it's no one's fault and the knowing that i should only want the best for such a close friend, knowing these things only hurt me more. becuase i realized how incredibly weak i am. but you know the part that hit me just now and made everythign come together? "maybe He's even trying to show you something." wow. how sad is it that God has to blow it up this much in my face in order for me to listen? . everything is in His plan. and He has a grand purpose for everything. that includes whether or not whatever guy likes me or not or whatever happens with my friends or whatever amazing people are leaving my life. and wow. should i not be rejoicing because maybe what happened tonight will make this guy a better person? or will build my close friend up perhaps? teach them both something too?... and maybe when these amazing people seem to be walking out of my life they are really just walking into someone else's. someone else that might build *them* up... and someone else that they may give just as much love to as they did me. should i not be rejoicing for them? and so that's where i am right now. i guess yah, i feel a little broken... a little cold... but... continually reminding myself that it's all under control ... God's control. and *everything* has a purpose. mr. ball said that something without meaning in writing is a slip of the author because it is a missed opportunity to do something great. God doesn't slip. whatever doesnt' kill me will make me stronger. i think He's trying to teach me to give it all up to Him. to trust Him all the more... "maturity is the ability to control your emotions" i think this means giving it all up to God. i think this means not letting your emotions control *you*, who you are, and what you do. i'm still learning... but hey, practice makes perfect.