1,2,3, thankyous...

jobanana

doing silly things like raspberry ladie and taking pictures in teapots. being a constant this term. oh not to mention the past 15 years. for rides everywhere. for non stingyness especially now. movies. we like movies. i dont' say it enough...

pink

calling again and again. sticking around despite my ... me-ness. distrupting your day for me. laughs. jojo aaron auntie helen uncle kin and patrick. full house. a taste of last term and some comfortability. "things are different now". <3

shabba

ga jeh. since i was a little kid... huge helpings of your "pie" haha. dinner. believing. the way we can talk away 3, 4, 5 hrs like its nothing at all. driving me all the friggin way back to loo. "God's raving!" haha. we fit. and i love that and i love YOU. haha mushmushmush blehhhh...

"light will guide you home... and ignite your bones... and i will try to fix you."

on "better"

i take it all back.

ha. i'm almost laughing at my stupidity.

"... her hazard signs are all out."

and today? i'm on another escape. i thought those were over but apparently not.
space. time. air.

breathe.

SUMMER!!!
i like summer lalala i like summerrrrrrrr
summer is great ladeedaaaa... i guess its already been "summer" for a month and a bit now but it actually FEELS like summer now :) and i remember how much i love it.
time to reconnect with highschool friends... tan... drink cold stuff... lalala

i like summer.

p.s. the song on my blog rocks. and it was sent to me by JIFFY ... who... doesn't rock. so i guess it balances out!! :D ...
muahahahaha...

a bit of life

my tutorial was cancelled... blahhhh i walked all the way to hagey hall in the scorching heat. it's liek DEATH. jsut to find that the discussion group was cancelled... so i didn't get to see the cute boy haha and i had to walk all the way back to slc haha i swear i'm gonna get a heat stroke or something. timmy's has run out of iced cappucinos. aghhhhh...

ernest is running an earth day booth thing at slc and i got a "the only cure for litter is you" sticker for emzhei.. it's so big too hahaha.. yayyyy emzhei is coming this wknd!!
and they are showing this caribou film here in the slc great hall it's kinda funny ... ewww... "warble flies that lay eggs under their skin" that's what they just said. ew!

shows i love and wish i could still watch:
- FULL HOUSE
- XENA
... AHHHH i want both on dvd... but i am too poor.


kalypsobekka

i haven't posted her stuff in a long while. but i still love it. the little pieces of yourself that you find in her words. myself. i. in the words of a stranger.

to love is not the accomplishment
but to keep loving - kb

to keep ... doing anything. not just once.. but to continue to do it ... continue to believe in things.. continue to ... yeah.

the "ugh" list

. not being able to sleep
. not being able to sleep cuz it's so damn hot
. when you'd like nothing more than to walk away but you would never want that either.
. relapses
. university ave. is closed for construction. i'd forgotten about waterloo construction. how pointless it is and how much hassle it causes.
. don't talk to me early in the morning asking me a million questions. i will not answer.
. i don't have enough change for an icedcap, which i desperately need.

ugh. ughughughughghughgh. :P... just slightly annoyed.


edit (10:40) : oh but it's a BEAUTIFUL day outside! :D ... haha sweet. and i managed to scrounge enough change to get a small iced cap... ANNDDDD haha.. i saw greyeyedsurferboy today in history... i dind't talk to him :P.,.. but he smiled at me as he left. lalala
haha... shut up i know my life is boring haha

better



home life is getting better. i'm adjusting and i do appreciate my family alot of the time. of course, it's weird thinking that i'll be living here for the next year but aside from the fact that its really far from everyone next year, home is okay.

my mom, haha, she is a worry wart but she does a lot of things for me without my asking... like the other week she cleaned my room for me while i was at campus challenge.. haha i think they just couldn't take it anymore but still, it was really nice... and i feel bad that i dont' tell her more that i appreciate the things that she does for me. i guess we often have personality clashes but i really appreciate the fact that she is always thinking of me. i think we're learnign from eachother... and that makes me smile.

my dad, well.. haha we usually get along because i am and always will be daddy's little girl haha... i'm a princess. i do really appreciate my dad becuase... i always feel like he really loves me. we get along him and i. we're similar. but his life was a lot more difficult than mine and i can always see the heart he puts into the things that he does. that's why any time anyone is mean to my father i cry haha. i cried last week becuase someone was joking aroudn about how joanna's dad's opinion was better than my dad's opinion or something. it was so idiotic but it pissed me off. haha. anyways. yeah. i like my father.

my sister... haha... i think its funny because my sister and i used to fight aLOT. well we still do.. but not as much. she's not bad sometimes.. haha she's in grade 7 now so she's more ... errr normal i guess. we can have conversations. skepticise at the women we think are hitting on our father hahahaha... she likes to tell me about stuff that's happening with the people at her school haha.. sometimes its kind of interesting to hear. she likes my friends. she's a hottie. haha she is! ... only, she needs to pluck her eyebrows. and also she needs to stop watching so much friggen american idol haha :P ..

anyways, my point? home is become more... home-ey. it's not PERFECT. dont' get me wrong. probably in about half an hour i will be fed up again, or something but i just wanted to write this down now. while i really am appreciating things. finally, better.

frustration

i can't think of any other word to describe my emotions at the moment.
and i recently made a committment to myself to try my best not to let my emotions control me... becuase i have seen what that can do to me... and it's not really pretty.

but right now its like... do you ever have all these things eating at you and they are just out of your control?.. and you just want to cry and yell and kick something and hug someone and punch someone and throw up and i dunno.. ALL AT THE SAME TIME???

ugh. i'm ok. really i'm okay but i'm just... frustrated i guess.

anyways, i came home and made myself some comfort food (KD!!!! wheee), curled up on my couch with it and watched some Golden Girls. :)

mmm doesn't kd just make everything sunny again? haha

hello june

what a way to start a month... and i mean that in a good way.

however, although events are far removed from me, it still seems like hardly a time to be giddy or excited... but i think it *is* a time to joyfully, and thankfully reflect.

useful thoughts:

. things are better when you don't need them, but still appreciate them
. action
. God's timing is perfect. ... it is. time and time again... it is.
. life. well, things get so much bigger when you don't feel so immortal. when you realize that time is limited. sometimes, things that happen to friends of friends can still serve as a reminder. don't waste precious things.
. CHANGE and JOY both come from being close to God. at least in me, these things dont' come any other way.

... so here's to my next breath. and to summer's highs*(flipflops and fruitfrenzies).

so i applied to mr. sushi today... he said he'd call me but i dont' know if he will.

charlie doesn't own mr. sushi anymore...

i am hungry.

i might

i might have to leave. oh i know, a part of me may be left behind as i walk away-- passing door frames and dimly lit computer labs in hesitation. and hesitate i will. in fact, this post is, in itself, a hesitation.
i'm fading. and even the hand that writes out this list of pros and cons is becoming translucent.
i might have to leave and it will be, partially, selfish.
but God tells me i can do more. now if only he would tell me how...
and the hands i held in the past would tell me i could do more. *they* have done more. and i too would like to.
and if, in order to do that, i have to leave, would that be wrong?
don't think it's a popularity contest please, because socially, i have no problems. people know that. but that's all they know.

to be frank-- it irks me that people think they can look at you. or read a few words and think they know who you are. just becuase you talk and laugh doesn't mean you don't think. doesnt' mean you can't do. this blog isn't the be all and end all of me. one night isn't it either. the way to care for someone, maybe, if you do, is to actually try to get to know them. NOT "find out" things about them through blogs or other people. spiritual maturity can not be determined by a glance. a person's character is something to be continually discovered, not so much a mystery uncovered. i am in no way saying that i have all the answers but these are some things i have been thinking about,

i'm standing with one foot out the door. but i wonder if God means for me to do more HERE.

i love much music. anyways i was watching On Set and after that was the Ashlee Simpson show or whatever so i watched a bit of it and it was an episode where she was writing Pieces of Me.

haha all i could think about was emzhei's obsession with that song and how it was played SO much at rev ... and then just all those times we'd blast random songs and run up and down the hallway into whoever's room and just sing and laugh and destress. half of us would have wet hair or someone would just come in to use dev's hairdryer which often was in my room. or some of us dropped in while we were waiting for our laundry to finish drying.

"all the pieces, pieces, pieces of me..."

this is one of the first times though, that i've remembered things and just SMILED. no heaviness in my heart wishing things didn't end... just a pure happiness that things happened. YAY! haha really, yay!

learning about myself

things i'm beginning to learn. i'm so excited that the drama queen part of me wants to say i picked up all these things and God's shown me so much and WOW! this is so great! ... butttt... i know i've only touched the tip of the iceburg. just after such a deep dark rut... even just a little bit of sunlight is blinding.

its weird... campus challenge did not challenge me much to go and reach out to my friends on campus ... rather, it challenged me in terms of my own relationship with God and my lifestyle. i think that's a good thing. i mean we can talk all we want about wanting to share the good news and dadada.. but if our own lives and relationships with God are not good then what is there to share? a message of hypocrisy?
how God affects our lives-- that's where it starts.
from there, well, if God is doing such great things in your life then how can you even HELP but wanna spill it everywhere to everyone? :)

i kinda feel like that right now. OVERFLOW. i just... i'm overflowing with the JOY that comes with being closer to Him... in any case, here are a few things that i learned over the weekend:

TRUST. -- i have... a huge problem with trust. i constantly seek reassurance and just.. i dunno. for me, my "trusting" someone is being able to tell them things and trust that they can keep a secret. i think it frustrates people that i dont' trust THEM as PEOPLE. even some of my closest friends...
i'm learning that trust is something that is placed in someone's CHARACTER. when you know someone... you have to believe that the things that they do are for reasons that are valid even if you dont' know what those reasons are. Trusting God... well His character is MORE reliable than that of even my best friend. He's unchanging. and He always has the purest and best intentions. so when i'm not understanding my life... my struggles... i can still have peace in knowing that it's under control. "He's got it under control." i think i've said that a lot but never really UNDERSTOOD it. and now i'm beginning to.

LISTEN. thought about somethings this weekend in my quiet time with God that i've been trying to run from. Listen. and He'll speak. ... i'm nto gonna share these things cuz they're pretty personal and i'm not totally clear yet. but i'm being pointed in a direction. anyways, i've started journaling again. trying to listen.

MOVE. i know i talk a lot... in part it frustrates me because sometimes people think that jsut because i talk alot that means i don't think a lot. if you know me though, you know that i think alot too. even more than i talk. although, not always before i talk :P haha.. i'm an introvert by nature. shut up really i am. i'm an introvert who has extroverted skills. really, i hate crowds. i much prefer one on one time. sitting on the floor talking away 3 hours rather than loud parties... stuff that you learn in ISS150R haha...
anyhoo... i spend a lot of time with my thoughts. i talk to myself haha... (when people arent' around, obviously) sometimes when peopel are around but i try not to.
you know what the problem is? ... i think and think and think ... sometimes even PRAY and pray and pray but never DO. God's shown me things and i've sat complacent. He's given me dreams and i've waited for them to magically realize. i have troubles and i run or limply cry.
at cc i met some people who REALLY live their lives for God. every minute they try to squeeze just one more thing they can do to glorify God to the fullest extent possible. their lives BREATHE their faithfulness. they try their best, not for their own glory but for His.. as a testimony. i think that's one way in which my small group really challenged me.. in their sharing. and in my workshop on social injustice. i've always always always cared about this stuff... even just talking to maeghan about the orphanage in romania or wherever during the year.. i've wanted to do that for years but i NEVER take steps in accomplishing it. i just allow thoughts and dreams and hopes to fester in my mind.
i'm through with that. really. please hold me accountable. becuase i want my life to be a living testimony .... "a life worthy of the calling" because talk and thoughts are cheap. He expects more. and i expect more.

anyways i'll continue later this is getting really long.. :P ... and it's beautiful outside. :D so peace

===book mark==<

in the morning i will blog about cc...

on a side note... i saw the HUGEST FRIGGIN TURTLE today... seriously OH... MY... GOODNESS. a whole new meaning to "mutant ninja turtles" serious. guy. whoa. haha

maybe i'm in need of a new theme song. :)

here are a few lyrics that hit my heart hard and stayed in my mind:

We stand and lift up our hands
For the JOY of the Lord is our STRENGTH. (c.t.)

Your blood speaks a better word
Than all the empty claims
I’ve heard upon this earth
Speaks righteousness for me
And stands in my defense
Jesus it’s Your blood (m.r.)

Your hope in me is ENDURING peace in me. (s.f.)

Sun : Mae

[my current theme song:.. wow. this says it all... almost.:]

I’m a mess, I guess.
It’s what I asked for, it’s what I needed.
Well, you know me better than that,
Or at least you did and something happened.
But once again something’s happened.
The confidence you held in us is the rope we almost hung ourselves with.
At times I wonder if we really took the steps to break right through it.
I know that there were better days, but to see the light and to feel the rays.
Life was always back and forth and we were idling or making useless progress.
Waiting for the rain to stop.
Destination: beautiful.
Seems that I’m still waiting for the sun.
Someday will come back to us, if you’re willing let it go.
Why won’t you just let this be your sun?
It seems like yesterday we had the world our way.
But some day we’re heading for destruction.

I’ll ask you what in the world should we do?
This light is green our break is through.

Are we not trying or are we trying too hard?

Well, you know I never want to miss,
I hold on tight and reminisce.
But it’s bittersweet to me.
When time stands still as it’s trapped inside
The letterbox you gave back to me.
But I’m the one who keeps on reading.
But I’m the one who wants to let it go.
I’m the first to speak.
You’re the last to know.
Another scene that we’re creating,
I need to know if we’re still making useless progress.

the second day of school

a 'status quo' in the making

at slc waiting for my class to start and for myself to wake up. i think i might go grab a tea from timmy's but my watcard money is wearing thin. *sigh*
edit(10:54 am):
you know, i think mike is right. canadian history is really interesting! ... of course, its only the second class but considering how tired i was i didn't drift off even for a minute. i was so engaged haha... an hour passed by in the blink of an eye. i wrote all my notes in pink marker cuz i somehow lost my pen boo haha..

familiar faces

i ran into RIMA this morning!!!... it was so great to see a familiar face. especially one from my beloved south A ... *grin* ... she was starting work at 9:30 so we just talked and talked and talked about how our summers have been going and about the past year and how much we missed rez life. hehe rima is awesome. i remember our random craziness in the halls :P we didnt' hang out much but she was always such a day brightener during the year. haha we were talkign about the bathrooms today and who on our floor we think is insane lol ... "WHO is the person who kept peeing on the seats?!?!?!?!" haha we have our speculations.
ohhhhh that made me so happyyyyyyy :)

my mom made me this sandwich taht's in onion bread and my bag smells like onions. haha gross. that's one way to not make friends hahaha *aww*

things to look forward to: - O.C. season finale tonight!!!! ahhhhh`!!!
- campus challenge is tomorrow! coooolness. (yay jacq!! roomieees!)

ok gonna go catch up on some reading

happy tuesday!

so i'm back in schooooooool! hehe...
finished my first class this morning -- canadian history colonial period... *snore* i know but i have to take it in the fall anyways so thought i'd get it over with..
my prof looks like a man but isn't. haha ... and she talks SUPER fast! ... but she seems like a really nice person, or that's what i got from when i went to ask her for the course outline stuff.
actually, Canadian history's not THAT bad right now.. i always kind of liked history... and even though english and french settlers are not the most interesting characters of the past, it definitely beats sitting around at home doing nothing. and i met someone! ... haha lookie i'm making friends :P ... she lived at rev (southb) this year and apparently "has seen me around" ... but i dont' recognize her ooops... ohwello, its nice to have someone to sit with in class :) yay.

of course, its a little weird walking around campus. all the smells and memories that get to you. oh tuesdays. i went to sch to buy books... and missed alison like crazy. slc third floor trying to get caught up on some reading... it looks so empty. at timmy's over heard someone saying somethign about "laying down the law" haha i could HEAR janna saying "mama laura is laying down the law!" in my head. i keep wanting to go back to rev and nap. but hey, my motto for the day is "don't fake yourself into ever ever thinking about yesterday, that was THEN, this is NOW."

gonna enjoy being back in school and the stability that comes with it :)

baby steps

so i was talking to nicole the other day about wanting to be less dependant, wanting to stand on my own two feet more. and she was saying how if i do things in little steps, doing little things bit by bit building up independance, its easier broken down into manageable parts than jsut all or nothing.

makes sense.

just... what's the first step? ... what's something little i can do to be less dependant?

visiting

i like it when people visit. :D teehee... this weekend was full of visits... :D ... kat came home for the weekend, clara was here today!, and then tonite lorna came back!!! :D yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ......
it was a good weekend in terms of hanging out with everyone :) ... saturday was coool... hanging out with some of the kwcac gang again on mo's birthday like viv and esther and benny COOL. :) today got to chill with my *uglynoisebuddy* clara haha i slept through some "net puck" and we did evil things to ian's really ugly flat bear thing hahaha... so greatt... "what? can't i just come in to get an orange??" hahahhaa awww ian! you're a good sport!! :D
and thennnnnn after jon decided to save me from being stranded we went over to westcourt and i chatted with lorna and dave for a while ... twas good to catch up :)

i like visiting.

weak at the knees

what is good:
- God. I LOVE GOD. and that makes me happy.
- GIRLS and the OC haha
- boys whose brains have been mushed by ITUS hahaha...
- MY LOVER IS HOME!!!!! (kat's back to visit for the wknd haha ;) ) mmmmyesssss
- threesome* locals at sweetdreams.

-...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... ohhhhhh i love you seth.
(i made a realization about myself and boys-- i dont' want an ASSHOLE persay, i want someone HONEST. real. i want someone who is real.)

female friends

i am so superdork. haha and my friends don't help much either! ...

on me and jo's "visiting ppl" outing tonight... we stopped at MKV to visit derek, hafeez, and keith. so yeah it was nice to see them again and stuff chilled around derek's suite for a bit until one of his suitemates closed the door *oops* loudness and then we were like hmm maybe we should leave and i was takling about how hopefully they're not swamped with work all term so we can hang out "i neeed friendsssss!" i said to derek "actually, i need FEMALE friends more... i have jo and that's IT. i need female friends!!" haha so derek, thoughtful as he is, suddenly comes up with the "bright idea" of going down to the first floor where there are girls so he can introduce me to them.
i'm like "no... derek that is weird."
"it's okay !! just come down with me anyways i have to ask nicole a physics question."
so me and jo are like fine and we venture downstairs with derek. upon arriving on the first floor he goes into a suite and waves us in... so we walk in and he introduces us to some ppl yadayada that's cool ... then as we were leaving he goes to this girl who i have NEVER SEEN in my LIFE "this is jasmine ... you guys should hang out... she needs female friends"
O_O... i was just like "GAHHH.. please dont' listen to him!!"

hahaha... it was funny though... and i suppose well intentionned.

afterward, we went over to nicole's suite where i met kristina as in janna's best friend (coooool) who was having her "half birthday" so had some jello. that was nice cuz it was refreshing to be with some GIRLS! girls who dont' think you're a total freak because you are "seeking female friends" hahaha :P...

oh also, clara's friend adrian was there who recognized me RIGHT away and was like "hey! you're the girl jon ditched!!!!" i'm like O_O. haha.. thanks jon. thanks alot.

SUPERDORK!!!!

the rest of the nite went well :P we visited kevin... and jon... and KAI! ... and westcourt. and now i am home. lalala... that was my day of feeling social* haha

because i don't have the "strength of words" to say it on my own, psalm143 + [me] :

O LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief. [... i need you God. you are so big and constant and perfect. and i know i haven't really talked to you in a while. but please listen?]

Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you. [... i'm sorry. i'm sorry for all the stupid things i've done. but even more for just turning my back on you. the only one who really knows me ... ]

The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead. [... i feel like the enemy is myself. just losing it. just doing all these things i hate. i despise. becoming a hypocrite just declaring my belief in one thing while acting without care... last night i was thinking ... love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and self control... which one of these do i have left? ... none. ]

So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed. [... i'm falling apart God and i dont' know where to turn anymore or what to do. i just sit and i cry. ]

I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done. [... i remember grade 12 in that november rut how you pulled me out. when i thought i wasn't going to get into university you got me in. God i've seen you work in more than just that. i know the peace that a relationship with you brings me. i havne't forgotten all the ways you've taken care of me. ]

I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. [... i guess i'm saying that i know only You can cure this. no person's words or even hugs or support from the people i love most can fix this .. can fix ME. "broken is hard to fix" God.. but YOU fix broken hearts right? ]


Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit. [... so yeah, i'm pretty desperate. sorry to be impatient but it's like my whole BLAH is faling apart and just... crumbling... just... please]

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, f
or I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground. [ ... please give me wisdom and understanding ... and not only that but ACTION. motivation. MOVE me and FILL me with YOU cuz God ... i do want that. please fill me and don't let me jsut forget... ]

For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant. [... please please please please please please please.

AHHHH PLEASE. ...

--- jasy]

"summer"progress report

so many questions. so here are some answers.

What is your current situation with coop?

In terms of coop, i have not been able to find a job placement. Many of you may know that i had put a lot of hope in being able to work at World Vision this summer. Unfortuneately, I recieved a call from them the other day informing me that the position i applied for had been filled by someone who is actually in marketing.

So have you been applying to different jobs? Have you been looking? you know, you can't jsut sit there and do nothing about it.

As a matter of fact, yes. i have been looking. I've applied to many, many jobs on jobmine. but i have also been contemplating dropping out of the coop program as i evaluate the benefits and the fallbacks of it.

So if you don't do coop, what then?

As of last night, i had decided that i would sign up for some courses and get a part time job.... decide about coop in the fall. However, today, another opportunity for a job arose. Therefore, i sent in a cover letter and resume and I am waiting to see how that plays out.

Oh. so exactly what are you doing? why don't you make any decisions about your life?

Contrary to popular belief, i do try. and i am struggling like hell to figure out things about my life and about this term. i'm frustrated because it seems like whenever i finally "figure something out" the opposite happens. Change is shaking me up. However, i am determined to maintain composure and ya know... solve my own problems... be independant and goal oriented.
all that jazz.

any other questions?

happy mother's day

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

blue

someone should make it clear that an attitude adjustment is really hard.

i was kinda proud of myself today... i took actually ACTION to make things better. wow, pat on the back and then SMACK on my face again. becuase i would eat soggy instant noodles if only...

but that's not going to happen. sometimes you jsut need that ONE person to be there.

thanks for being there tmg. oh things are so different without... but i'm not going to talk in circles.

goodnight*

one final thankyouandgoodbye, and then a promise to start fresh

after an amazing weekend in toronto i rolled into a sunny-skied waterloo, into a new term. it's MAY. time to pull myself together, rather, let God pull me together after being so far from Him for so long.

gonna take a bit of "blog time" to thank and remember the people that made this year HOME.

if that was you, then keep checking. although i'll probably prompt you to check anyways :P

and meanwhile? i'm still looking for a job. gonna give world vision a call tomorrow, most likely a lost cause but it's okay. let's see where God's taking me this term.

looking forward to bluer skies. and if they're grey, then i'm gonna PAINT them blue.

pieces of the home that i miss

i know it's gone. it's really hard to accept. but i know.
nothing i do will ever make it come back.
but i'm still scrambling around trying to grasp the pieces.

519 went to 905 yesterday hehe :) me and kat went up to sauga to see laur and janna and we ate and shopped and drove and watched lacrosse and chilled and took pictures hehe but mostly ... mostly i BASKED in that little bit of "home" that i miss so much.

you know what the problem is though? now i miss them more than ever. i miss EVEYRHING more than ever. and woopdie doo kat is now leaving too. i pick up one piece and then all the others go missing. i'm scrambling.

so it's me and miss wu fending for ourselves. we can do it.

oh guess what? at 10:10pm on april 28th rolvin tallud became my BEST FRIEND!!! why?? becauuuuuuuse : DRUM ROLL PLEASE: he's a XENAFAN!!!!

oh baby. :D

kay. going for the raspberry now... wheeeeeeeeeeeee home home home

ty to jmn for this <3... becuase tonight i needed it more than every other night since i've been back here. please be right.:

I know you've been going through some things
The pain you hold inside's written on your face
I know you bout tired of the rain,
well, baby, so am I,
but I know things can change
Well, you can die, you can sigh,
you can cry til youre midnight blue
But that's not you, no, no
Cause I know you're stronger
It's apparent to me, so to you

If you just hold on
I swear everything'll be okay
I know that you're nervous
I know, but baby, give it some time
Things will go your way, my love
If you just hold on
I swear everything'll be okay
I know that you're nervous
Baby, give it some time
Things will go your way

You should just believe in yourself.

- try to believe.
stepmommy =) | 04.19.05 - 5:19 pm | #

and i'm wishing i could sit, unmoving, crying like i did that night. instead of having to bite my lip and keep walking. walking but not strong enough to keep my cheeks dry.

was gonna write about like stuff that i've learned over the past year but right now all i can think about is the people.

the people who have molded me and who i miss excruciatingly.

anyways, reflections to come. first on the faces, and then we'll see.

the answer to the question

today i said goodbye to my don. and rev south a for the very last time. there's no reason to go back now... no one to help pack or bid farewell to...
and i said goodbye to my ericman. i really dont' know what i am to you, but to ME, you are my brother, my dear friend, who is stuck so close to my heart no matter how far away you are. over in bc it's still yesterday and i wish it was still last week here so i wouldn't have to say so many freakin goodbyes.

what pisses me off about myself is my lack of .. importance i guess. probably my don will go to africa and do AMAZING things (i know she will :) ) and i will be but a speck in her mind if there at all. and eric will be in bc shining his big heart everywhere he goes jsut like he did here... and soon, i will disappear from him. and all the girls will come back in the fall and all those tears we shed... what will they be? maybe some frosh folly brushed aside as nonsense. i dont' have trust. i tried i really really tried but i jsut... can't. you know why?? becuase i'm not memorable. becuase i'm NOT important and i dont' AFFECT anyone. i dont' make enough of an impression on anyone to be actually rememebered or valued. all i've done this year is take and take and take and really, i just dont' give enough to be held in people's hearts. so i'm done.

i'm just sorry i have to care so much about and hold so highly people that woudlnt' rememebr i was around if i didn't jump in their faces all the time.

officially missing you

the past few days have been really hectic... between writing my last final and saying goodbyes... just haven't really gotten a break. janna left on wednesday... alison, bee, and clara all gone on thursday... each one i meant to come on here and write about how great they all are and how much i'll miss them... but i did not have one spare moment. thursday nite was spent with sA girlies and jacq :) so incredibly fun haha we went to PAS to play hide and seek and had a sleepover in the lounge... i guess, over this past term we've drifted a little... but coming back, this clickage, this bond we all had never ever left.

and then today. wow. carson was like "wow... it's really depressing to see 10 girls cry at the same time" haha... one by one i just watched people i love SO much walk out the home that we had here. emzhei, dev, aneta, marilyn, chris, quyen. nothing will ever be the same again. all i wanted to do was shut it out or scream. but instead, i clenched my teeth and packed my life into boxes and bags.

i'm officially missing you.

the second goodbye

i miss t.m.g.

trying to... bestrong.begood.workhard.smilebig.holdtears.singalong.behere.runhard.trust.

breathe. already way enough crying.



p.s. "wow... WOW!" ewwwww! dooooon't check out my mommyyyyy! lol

so it's today.

and despite all my efforts to stop it from coming, it came. well did i expect any less? i guess not... oh but i hoped.

so here i sit with my swollen eyes and heavy head reflecting on the bits and pieces of last night that i have. really just trying to figure out which one came first and what exactly some of the whisperings meant.

while showering some of the memories rushed back on me like the steady flow of the water... guess i can kick myself all i want but it happened. it's so sad how jsut a couple drops can make you burst out every feeling you have... make you grab on so tightly even though you KNOW you should let go. impaired judgement really is only not letting you stop yourself from doing what you want to do but know you shouldn't do.

just a question though, what happens when our little "dysfunctional family" disappears? who the crap is gonna push my damp hair behind my ears and mop up my tears?

i'm sorry.

a refusal

i won't do it.
i won't say goodbye. i'd rather walk away. why should i have to take all this bloody heartache when it hurts you not even half as much? my heart on a platter.
no. gonna put my headphones on and eveyrthing will be blocked out.

(but i say this knowing full well...)

already had to say one goodbye last night. boy did i screw THAT goodbye up... i'm so useless. but ericman i will never ever EVER forget you. thankyou for late night chats, psych studying, hot chocolate, chocolate milk, cheese haha... for movies, for laughs, even for your crazy freaky laughs and scaring the crap out of me that time. thankyou for caring about our *family* ... for always trying to hold it together. caring about how we care about eachother. thanks for being such an incredible friend... brother... <3


thankyou
pink and blue... for taking care of me last nite... there are few constants lately, and you two are SELECT.
6 chicks... for keeping me in and lifting me up with your prayers. these friendships. tears can't tell how much they mean. it was good to be together again. :)


(4/5)

my heart in a milkshake

when i came back from studying tonight we had our very last floor meeting ever. ... it was really difficult just facing the reality of "the end" ... maeghan (my don) started crying and just... my heart broke as people began pulling pictures off the board... moments had that are becoming only memories.

earlier this week i was looking at some random person's pictures (procrastination at its best) and almost every single picture was of a bunch of people getting trashed and whatnot. and i thought to myself, wow. i HARDLY drank at all this year... hardly partied... which, to be honest, i thought first year would be a lot of partying... but it wasn't. and i thought "wow... did i waste my first year?"

but then tonight, laur and i went over to v1 and got milkshakes and came back and ended up talking away three hours... about trials, happiness, hopes... everything. about our pasts... highschool... about how that night after prom with jo kat dor and tiff..when we sat around talking away, sipping wine and five alive, being silly... how i realized THAT was how i wanted to remember highschool. REAL friends, not dicking off but REAL time with REAL people.

and tonight, i just realized how i want to remember first year, how i am GLAD that my time was not spent much on insane parties and drinking so much that you can't remmeber anything the next day... but i wanted to remember it as learning and growing from the things that God has taught me and continues to teach me, as songs of the week, movie nights, bedtime chatter with the roomie, sunglasses, puddle-splashing, tears that teach you things, laughing so hard your tummy hurts,
chocolate milkshakes just sharing yourself. real times, with real people that i know will always mean something to me. i breathe out a sigh of thankfulness and contentment.

i.l.u.(t.m.g.)

(2/5)

thank you God for crazy friends, beautiful weather, and *sunglasses*.
"you are the reflection in my sunglasses"*
me and the pink partner in crime on a beautiful... MONDAY??? *confused face*
hehe
(even during exam time... God can give you something to SMILE about)--click:

lately
"... just sitting away watching the days go by."

finals are upon us. and on finishing this race, running as hard as i can, i also feel like i'm just sitting here not able to enjoy the last moments i have much... this home that has been built... it's gonna disappear in 11 days. (or so)

i get so frustrated because i'm TRYING to "be here now" but being here is just studying for finals right now, it's looking outside at the beautiful weather and not really being a part of it. it's trying not to be a distraction. and i'm TRYING not to dwell on things i can't change but that's hard too because everywhere around me are elements of this "home" that i can not leave behind right now. pieces of my being that provoke tears, even just the shadows of the glass tunnel birds.

(1/5)

sometimes the stupid things you do teach you alot of things.

sometimes you jsut can't believe HOW stupid you were...

but afterward... it causes you to really reflect on a lot of things. i guess i'm taking comfort in knowing you can learn from your mistakes.

jmn, bee, kat, and emz--- thankyou, sorry, and love you forever.
i am blessed with the most amazing friends that i don't deserve.

gotta finish this race.... two weeks and OUT. wow... *bittersweet*.

on a side note: talked to an old friend from higschool today... we used to be like best friends way back when ... gr 9-10... remembering the laughs and the promises we made to eachother... pretty crazy. this girl is now still following her dreams. erin i'm proud :) check out her site and her tunessss : www.erincollins.com
kinda made me think about what tmg said about how you can drift so far but you never really stop caring. i think i'm slowly learning.

growing up. but INCHINGLY.

go listen to: Starfield - Can I Stay Here Forever
that's my current theme song.

mourning the last bestday tuesday ever.

and now the threads are unwravelling one by one until this blanket that was home falls at my feet as unrecognizable string.

getting cold and seeking understanding.

spring in waterloo <3

210 and 214 outside rev on this beeeeeeeeauteeeful day :) (kat, laura, janna, jasy)


"omg kat your butt is SO BIG!!!!!!" hahaha...


shadows :)


fish face!!


one two three


reflections in the door

*family*

got to spend the night out with "the family" tonight :) ... i love being with these three. seems like whenever we're together i always come home with a smile on my face. doesn't matter what we do, be it grocery shopping, watching movies, sitting around and bumming, wandering aimlessly around p-mall, EATing, splashing in puddles, whatever... it's still always crazy fun :)

i'm really going to miss these times.

"But there is not enough time, And there is no, no song I could sing, And there is no combination of words I could say, But I will still tell you one thing, We're better together." (jj)

{bubble tease-- bee and alison}{ewww black currant!-- jasy and eric}{foodies!}{dinosaur and eric}{ dinosaur and jasy}{dinosaur eating alison's head}{limbo under the ... thing!}{splashing in puddles of slush eeek!}{alison all wet! oops!}{shadow family}{eric's head is like a balloon haha}{eric eavesdropping on alison's phone conversation lol}

...Yeah, it's always better when we're together.

look
, it's

april

better yet, listen.

outside blue skies shine and wind kisses the trees. but exams are here and the rustling of papers and bustling in the halls shakes me. cardboard boxes being packed away, the sounds of sisters you will never really see again.

well, see, yes. but that's jsut not the same.

people just can't understand i guess. but i'm trying to. and it's not easy holding in screaming tears, swallowing them, like a bitter powder. your tongue dries like dust, it clings to the roof of your mouth as you try and smile.

for my own sake, and for the sake of others, i will try harder than hard to keep a happy face on. to live these last 3 weeks with anticipation and gratitude.

play on.