mac n cheese, nemo, and jay chou

was at tiff's for her early birthday gathering today ^_^ :) happy early bday squiff! ^_^
was really great to eat. omg i stuffed myself sooo much. i'm so sure that all my whatever diet efforts have been wiped out from this one meal alone :P
was great to chill with everyone too :) lots and lots of laughs hehe :) watched finding nemo again and sang kareoke!!! =d :D jay chou is uglier than edison but HOTTER :P BLAH! haha... good times =)

this past week has been a real reflection on life.
i developed a list. list of stuff i want to do before i die.. or rather ... accomplish in my lifetime. it's just started but it's linked on the sidebox under "and all that jazz" as "the list"...check it out :P

had lunch with patty, gladys, jo, and kat today at golden mango :) was nice to chat and eat ... yummo i had something different than what i always get heee and it was yummy too! an example of good change :P

"family dinner" tonight at "suk poh and suk gung's" aka-- tiff's grandparents. it's interesting cuz we were talkign abotu how we actually feel related now... except not to eachother. because.. we've just been friends for too long to feel like that. at most cousins. it's cool though. to see how our families have gotten closer through this distant relation thing. i feel really blessed to have been able to get to know these people better. to feel like i have extended family nearby. cuz all my "other" relatives life in hk.

"If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell."
Matt 5:29 ohhhhh... but i can't let go of you.

lifesong
wow.
what a much needed refresher. thought provoker.
kudos to my buddy dave for sharing!
... something he said really stuck out to me. "i saw [the Christians at fellowship] and saw how they seemed to handle everything. they knew that no matter what happened, no matter how bad it was, that it was all part of a big plan that God has for their lives and that eventually it would all be to their benifit."
God help me remember. help me always draw my strength from You.

btw-- WHO'S idea was it to throw my cow across the stage??!?! ... =P MEEEEANN!!!
but haha it was kind of funny afterward thinking about my reaction. dave like threw him and i was like *GASP* and sat there open mouthed for like 15 seconds... alex was laughing his head off.

it was a good time of socializing after lifesong last night... got to talk to a bunch of people i haven't talked to in a long while... got to meet a few new faces... and got to spend time with jo tiff alex and... HEIDI! up from western :) lol we stood out in the cold for like an hour cuz every single place in the plaza was closed or full :P so funny tho...

conversation
as i was talking to a last night something he said really hit me. he said something to the effect of "i was thinking about how God loves us so much... every single one of us so unimaginably... and he *knows* that alot of people are going to put him as their second choice or not love him back at all and that hurts him... but he still loves everyone that much. His love is so unconditional.. and i just want to get there. i want to be able to love my friends with all of my heart even if i know they dont' love me back or make me their second choice.."
something else i'd like to be able to do.
keep working on setting my expectations aside.
keep trying to be more Christ-like.
keep loving, harbouring no bitterness.
a you always challenge me. thanks. :)

gonna go have lunch now... BAI!

finally friday

friday finally.
i was so afraid that when i woke up all the pretty snow would be melted but it's still here! :) i wanna go buy some mittens and a hat after school maybe. the only thingi dont' likeabout this weather change is that my skin is reacting poorly to it :(

winter wonderland

so yesterday it was pouring rain.
and today i get up and i'm freezing cold, i grew a zit, and my lips are completely chapped.
so i look out the window and ... it's blizzarding!!!!!!!!!! ^.^
yayYYY! (sorry to all snowhaters) but omg do you knwo what this means???
SNOWMEN! SNOWANGELS!.... and above alll SKKKIIIII TRRIIIPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm soooooo dibbly excited about this ski trip see. :P i'll hopefully get to learn how to snowboard as well ^_^ and live a winter collingwood experience ! heeeeeeeeeeee
loook look look!
but the bad side of things is... even though it's blizzarding out-- school is still on.
WHY!? i mean, the lights are flickering. since i've been in the library the power has gone off and back on. and the STREET LIGHTS aren't working!
do they WANT us to die? apparently so. even if it *wasn't* snowing and the street lights weren't working i'd think they might cancel school-- but a blizzard + no street lights?
that to me, is unquestionable.

i actually got my butt to iscf today! :) ... late. but i went :P :)
was good times :) nice prayer and fellowship :)
a good way to start a day that shouldn't be starting. :P

in light of the new white christmas weather, i think i'm gonna make a wish list. :D

what was different

i got up and i didn't pause by the top kitchen cabinet.
and i didn't rush by avoidingly either.
i just forgot.
and i got to school, and took a breath in.
as i sat in my physics chair and katelyn commented about how the people in front of us smelled like bad b.o.
and they did.
but i didn't care.
and breathing in made me smile.
and maybe grimace a little.
but i smiled in my head.
and i looked up a bit and said a little thankyou.
and i closed my eyes and looked back a few days and i said a little thankyou.

thankyou.

happy birthday joseph and liz! :)

In flanders fields the poppies blow, between the crosses row on row, that mark our place, and it the sky, the larks, still bravely singing fly, scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the dead, short days ago, we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow. Loved, and were loved, and now we lie in flanders fields. Take up our quarrel with the foe, to you from failing hands we throw, the torch be yours to hold it high, if ye break faith with us who die, we shall not sleep though poppies grow in flanders fields.

rememberance day.
i think it's really important to remember what happened before. the lives that were given and taken for what we have today. so that we don't take for granted the peace we are so blessed to live in today.

oh and lookat the picture above- if there was any doubt that the inside of the poppy is actually black-- let it be clarified. :P i like the poppies with the black inside better than the ones with green inside. i mean, for one thing it's actually accurate. secondly, it doesn't look so "happy" or "christmassy". and also, the green is ugly :P

we had a remembrance day assembly today at school... i thought it was pretty well done... i'd have to say that Justin and wallace and alex and the rest of the orchestra's Schindler's list piece had me moved almost to tears... full body goosebumps at least as is usually the case when i hear Justin play violin... or see him play. *AH!* sooo good! i love watching him play because he always looks like he's totally engulfed in the music, unaware of anything or anyone else around him. that was definitely my favourite part of the assembly. ahhhhh!!!! and wallace's quartet was really good too!! although i guess i didn't specifically like the piece as much as the schindler's list.. but it was still so good! so together!! (wall, liz, justin, and daryl) wowowowoww. i like orchestra now. i think maybe i'll go to TWO symphonies in my lifetime :D .. hahhaa... or more as long as either wall or justin plays in them.
and ROB!!! i didn't even know my buddy rob had that kinda talent- i can't believe he WROTE that song he sang! plus the violin and piano parts too-- ppl this wasn't like a sissy song it was a NICE song. not cheesy or anything either.

it's OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can't believe it it's finally over-- this crazy hell week is over... this week will die down from here... and the weekend will be a blast :) AND i'm gonna get a full 8 hours of sleep tonite :Dwheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... no more bags under the eyes!
a BIG thankyou and xoxoxo to g, jo, mike, patty, jeh, adrian, pearl, bro,and jon.
without you, well... this week would have been much much much worse. esp g and jo. and ESPECIALLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY GOD!!!! :P :) for all the answered prayers, for the love, for the comfort, for lessons learned. please help me trust You more, love You more. thankyou and much love.

things i'm looking forward to
- wed nite O-C!!!!!!!!!!!!! *AHHHHHHHHHHH*
- thurs nite-- sunday school teacher training thingy
-fri nite-- lifesong, plus see patty and heidi and g!
-sat-- breakfast? and operation christmas child
-sun-- tiff's bday thing!!!
-CHRISTMAS! -- i had this down under my "currently" thing a few weeks ago as what i was looking forward to... and i was thinking it was really far away but reallyy-- it's NOT! i mean, we're already mid nov! that means only a montha nd a bit left!!

it's over. "hell day" is over!!!! *cheer*!
i have BAGS under my eyes-- ew! and i am gonna miss the o-c tonite cuz i have to do so much crap O_o
after tommorow-- i will do NOTHING. i will sleep for 13 hours. i will bask in the finale of it all....
and then i will get up again. because i have a chem quiz and an english assignment to do. *sigh*

i quit concept today. i can't believe it. it was something i really wanted to do in my last year. but i had to quit becaus ei jsut don't have the time to be staying after school until 5 or 6 everyday. just can't. so i guess i'm gonna be sitting in the crowd again this year-- at least i was "in it" most of the way through so i can maybe still write it down in my resume. :P and there's always rugby and multi for that i guess... and robyn wasn't pissed off or anything.
ARGH. it's so frustrating though!!! yet another thing i fail in, *another* thing i can not handle.

the weekend is only 4 days away. -_-

happy belated bday caleb!!!
added Ina to my links-- lol someone i don't know lol but is a super cool chickie knowledgable about interesting things such as "clicking" hehe :) if you were to lock me up in a room with this girl, i think we'd have a lot to talk about. plus we have a bunch of mutual friends :)

things that tugged my heart strings and made me smile today:
waking up to a 14k email, love, worship, abercrombie!! (thanks jeh), jerky (thanks adrian), "hold my hand... TAKE IT!" hahahahahaha....

my new favourite from the "canadian tire" album. :P (haha)
this song says... everything.

Oh Lord Your Love - Caedmon's Call

Oh Lord i give You all i have,
but it seems so little,
when You have given me so much.
I come to You with empty hands,
and a heart that's fragile,
You come to me with wealth of Love.

Oh Lord Your love,
is new with every morning,
Your faithfulness,
it gets me through the night.
You bid me come,
You know that i am weary,
Your yoke is easy,
Your burden is light.

And i will sing You songs of praise,
but Your greatness is beyond me,
i know i cannot comprehend
how You ancient of days,
stoop Yourself to call me,
to be Your son,
to be Your friend.

[chorus]

i was cleaning my room and went through some baptismal cards... actually thinking about my baptism a lot last night... thinking about what i knew then and how sure i was that God would sustain me through everything. and how i need to get back there. back in His arms where He holds me so tight i can't possibly fall. i need to regain that passion. anyways this one card- from someone who has been one of the most supportive people in my life- said this:

"Do not lose sight of the joy of the Lord, and remember, his timing is perfect. Our only job is to trust in Him."

*how* perfect it is... i think i only understand now.

went to the uw open house today... thinking kin is actually prolly more suited to me than health sciences... but we'll see.

had brunch with g at angie's mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm :) yummo breakfast =)

and studying.

"He restores my soul and guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for You are with me. Your rod and staff they comfort me."

i know i said i wsn't gonna post til fri nite..
but it's gonna be short :P
happy bday to will and eunie! :)
yo will eighteen guy!!! :) sicksicksick :)

speaking of sick. i was sick at home with a tummy ache today.

and i have decided to forget. from now on. my life is a life of disregard and forgetting. we'll see how i like it.

things.

after i write this blog, i will close this window, shut down my icq, and turn off my computer until friday night.
and from there i will bury my head into my books and fill my head with the knowledge that needs to be there.
i had a good day. i got to have lunch with deb (happy birthday! :) ) and it was really nice to chat.
i've had what i consider to be a rough month. where my perseverance has been challenged and my limit has been pushed. i've fallen again and again. indulging in temptations that if you only knew you would view me so differently than maybe how you view me now. and i have been ashamed. and hurt.
and i have struggled to trust God and give it all up to Him.
"Faith without deeds is dead." has my faith been dead?
i know that "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
but i have fallen.
do you know how scary it is? to do things you know are so incredibly wrong and detestable in the eyes of the Lord? even in the eyes of man.
and in other areas of your life, trying to do things that are right. but having things fall apart anyways until you wonder-- what's the point?
and i have done nothing but complain and fall into sadness.
somebody said to me last night "YOU're the only one who thinks you can't do it! it's becuase you dont' even try!" and i wanted to say "YES I DO!" but really--- i don't.
not as hard as i can anyways. i need to get my butt back in gear.
i need to stop
whining
sighing
freaking
complaining.
and remember how blessed i really am.
i need to know that others care but not expect it.
and i need not to need them to care.
i STILL need to work on no expectations.
and humility.
i need to "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances,"
i need to be true to God and to myself.
i need to try harder.
and right now
i need to focus.

please pray for me. thanks.

erased
because it wasn't about you.

coke can

i am just like that
coke can.
that was sent falling from my arms as i ran to the door.
too much
rocking
sloshing
jerking
seething
too much.
and that one little drop. thud.
made me cascade into violent spins
dizzy releasing tears and stains over the walls
over the floor.
twisting and turning until finally
stopping.
broken.
when will i stop?

a big thankyou to waiki and lex. i owe any bit of goodness in this day to you.

PINK!
hahaha
a new happier less scary "interface" :P
i tried to insert this code where when you click the mouse confetti pops up but it didn't work... so here it is. :P

i wish i was erica.
then maybe i could hit the notes!!!! >_<
*gr*

happy birthday adrian!!! :)

and happy halloween! :)

praylude organized the kids section of the family nite at kwcac this year so that's where i was for halloween :) lol was fun :) and got a lot of cute pics of the kids and stuff :) --well on jo's cam :). and joseph's too i think?
i had costume block this year. so horrible. i ended up goign as a princess/queen. so cliche. *sigh* but--- i got to wear my gr. 10 formal dress haha! so that was fun :P :)
i like that dress. lol i've only worn it one other time--gr. 10 formal-- it still has the pizza grease dot on it (remember clara, jo, kat, dora, and nita? lol) anyways i'm not going ot talk about my costume flop anymore.. but i'll post a pics up tommorow if i can get my hands on some... :P

dora came over after and we went insane and took like 50 webcam shots...
haha it was nice to laugh . talk. chill. everything.

bah! i ate so much today!!! starch and carbs and all that jazz... lol
actually i didn't eat much == but what i did eat was basically junk :P
well whatev. back on the "anorexic diet" tommorow :P
(- 3.5 lbs and counting)

hahaha so definitely adrian is my favourite person of all time now lol
because he gave me JUU YUK GON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D (pork jerky)

SO good!!! --- ANNND i can actually eat it!!! muahahhhaha no starch ^_^

another day.
but i feel awake
because
i talked to God last night
really
talked to God
and so
i know
He's got everything under control.

is it true?

i slept in through iscf (interschool Christian fellowship) again today.
tired from lack of blood. tired from the sleep that drags you down in the mornings.
i guess it's the one day of the week that my sleeping in doesn't affect a car pool much... and it is always nice to sleep in since i have the first period of every morning off but i never get to anyways. but while my mom was driving me to school she commented:

"why dont'; you ever go to iscf anymore?"

"i dunno i can't get up"

"well it seems weird that you go to the events at night but you dont' go in the mornings... like you're unwilling to suffer for Christ."

is it true? i never thought of it in that context. i don'tthink about whether or not i am suffering for Christ when i shove my face into my pillow in the morning. i just think about how tired i am. i suppose that if i as a Christian am unwilling to get up a bit earlier to fellowship and to pray... then why should those who are non Christian see the value in doing so? and it is good. it's relaly great to start the day off with that... but oh the joys of sleep! but i'm reminded of something deb said last night about how we are so priveledged in this country to be able to pray and meet together openly and freely. and how we really shouldn't take it for granted. i guess if we're lucky enough to have it we shoudl use it. i don't think i am unwilling to suffer for Christ if i sleep in ... but i think i will make an effort to drag my butt out of bednext week.

five things that made me smile today:

- i got 8/10 on my biology quiz.
- dc talked to me
- i realized that i get half the day off on wednesday
- i realized that the O-C is on tonight
- pictures in my locker.

it's strange.
sometimes you can be sitting right next to someone but missing them crazily much.
because it's hard to do the right thing. and then when you think you did, you lose something you value so much. and it's hard to gain it back. because sometimes they hold it out in front of you so mockingly that you think you have it back for a second but you really dont' because it's all fake. and also sometimes you think someone is saying one thing but they're really saying something totally different. because you're not good enough. never good enough. and whatever they do whatever he does whatever she does- it's all skin deep. like a cut. little cuts everywhere. cuts shaped like the candy you can't get in waterloo, cuts shaped like laughter and condoms. all over.
you just can't see them.

woohoo! my team (kat tiff victoria pauline alice elaine and i) won for iron chef hahha :) yayyyyyyyy yay for no skillz and still winning :) hehe

congrats to vic for being in the paper and to justin for winning provincials for violin!! wow. justin is the best violinist in all of ontario.. coolio

stupid door

my stupid door won't shut without being slammed. the notch won't click into place.
like doors in life that just refuse to shut. and even when i slam them, come unclicked.
bouncing back to hit me in the face.

had a pretty eventful day :) it was nice to be up and about :) although my feet hurt alot from standing in my boots too long and it was cccold! *shiver*
but i had a good day nonetheless :)
went to a bunch of postconvocation picture sessions hehe :)
congrats to g, patty, jackson, and steve!!!! :)
also got a chance to chill with a bunch of pplz at cameron for dim sum :)
it was fun to hang out :) waiki makes me laff :)
and it was dibbly nice to see g, jeh, and patty... missed them alot...

after that jo and i headed over to pt's for iron chef nite hehe :) twas fun !!!! lol although our cooking skills had something to be desired i think my group (tiff, kat, victoria, pauline, elaine, and alice) did a really good job hehe :) our dishes had a movie theme >> American Pie (apple crisp lol), scary noodles, and Once upon a Time in Mexico lol (nachos) .... i dont' actually know who won but whatever :) it was a really good time chilling with ppl and eating *grin*

OH! and i finally gave blood yesterday!!! *wheee* :)

i'm having one of those mornings
in which my heart misses people so
writhingly. This is because i would like nothing more than to curl up on a big comfy sofa surrounded by you ande your love
and to cry.
and to have you tell me that it's all going to be okay.
plenty of fish in the sea.
don't worry.
or to take a walk in the rain
with a dog
or to sit inside a coffee shop and drown my sorrows with iced cappucinos
or it doesn't even have to be a coffee shop.
it coulgd be swiss chalet.
that's good too.
or maybe tcby. or in a room where we reminince on our past. past loves. bitter about how he has forgotten but delighted in his healing. "My heart may never mend
And you’ll never get to love me again" but "i will maeke it through the rain." hoorah! he'll make it through the rain... and for a moment everything else is forgotten save that joy.
or perhaps to dance in a mist of Ralph lightheaarted and lightheaded.
or stuff inhumanly large piecces of sushi into my mouth and laugh incontrollably.
but it's not the same without you.

but what i want more than anything else is not so extravagant as all that.
i just want a hug.
to be enveloped in safety and in love. so tight that my heart can't possibly fall to pieces
like it's doing slowly
i miss
you.

*btw, the spelling errors are intentional.

cure for boredom : random strange facts.

- In the theme song from "The Flintstones" the line after "Let's ride with the family down the street" is "Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet."

-Chewing gum while cutting onions will prevent crying

-In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase, "Goodnight, sleep tight."

-WHO IS THE MOST MARRIED PERSON IN HISTORY?

Mongkut of Siam - the king in The King and I - had 9,000 wives and concubines. Solomon, by contrast, had only 700.

ANYWAYS... gonna go read Divine Secrets of the Ya-ya sisterhood :P

tommorow is the grade 10 literacy test =) which meanss.... i dont' have to go to class til 11~!!! :D
and on thursday i dont have to go til one! :)
maybe it'll relieve some stress-- MANn... i am breaking out. and also i got a cold sore.
so gross. :(

i don't have anything to write.

i'm so sickened. my blog is turning into an event log. today i did this, today i did this.
have i no passion anymore? don't i get angry? scared? consumed?
actually i do... but maybe my outbursts have not been so dramatic. or maybe i've been getting too lazy to type out every detail of my soul. or maybe my quality of writing has decreased.

i've been reading my archives. this blog is nearing it's two year anniversary. and i can see that i've changed. that i've grown.
i think it's kind of cool.. but also kind of sad.
like a farewell.
or looking at a photograph of someone you used to know really well.

stay off the road

hehe had my first in car driving lesson today... it was my first time on the road... SO SCARY! ... apparently i drove past pt's house and he waved at me but i didn't see him lol hahaha i think it went okay though... i only almost ran into the curb once. :P but abel said for my first time on the road it was good! :D whee! driving is fun! :)

shop shop shop all my worries awayyyyyyyyyyyyyy !! :)
----
---
--
-
i got SHOES =D!!! ... white puma runners with a navy stripe and suede boooots =)
i love shoes.

iscf party at oh's was really fun!:) ... lots of laughs and yummy food-- coffeecakes!! mmmmmmm ---_--- ........ hehe and balderdash and guess who and bathroom seeing haha lol... those peeps are a blast :)

good day :)

"Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous; and it pricks like thorn."

feeling ditched on all sides.

i wanna know if we click. well... i think we do... but i dont' want to jinx it by saying we do and then what if we don't?
AH how stressful.
gr~

going to aj's today... we're gonna play geetar :)

i am not

Jesus said, "If you are ashamed of me,
I will be ashamed of you before
my Father.."

I Am Not Ashamed. Pass this on only if
you mean it. "Yes, I do Love
God. He is my source of existence and
Savior. He keeps me functioning each
and everyday. Without Him, I will be
nothing. Without him, I am nothing,
but with Him I can do all things through
Christ that strengthens me."
Phil 4:13)

no. i am not ashamed. but i am so sick of ppl sending me all these forwards abotu "if you love God, if you're not ashamed of God send this to this certain amount of people".
come ON. my love for God is not dictated by how many people i can forward an email to. and i dont' need to prove it to everyone or show off how much i love Him.
*rolls eyes*

battle of waterloo

battle of waterloo tonite!!!-- aka wci v.s. bci annual football game that we haven't won for 15 years
was gonna go but now i'm not anymore.

bye

bai bun :*( hope you have oodles of fun in kaz :D

One way to show that you're not talking to someone is to ditch them at lunch.

We started off highschool with three. Perhaps that is how we will end.

scatterbrain


good things
it's nice to know people remember who you are. even if it's okay with you now if they don't. i think it's even better this way.

*but i dont' think that's going to happen now :)
not so good things
at least i know i did something. said something. even if i spend the rest of my life mournign the loss of our friendship.*

i dont' know if i think this is good or bad


Don't stray
Don't ever go away
I should be much to smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes
When you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don't let me drownLet me down
I say its all because of you
And here I go
Losing my control
I'm practicing your name
So I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right
To look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed its time
Tell you why
I say its infinately true

Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you

And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everythings turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apartAnd now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

monomers and polymers
BAHHH
bio now :(
ttyl

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATTY AND LYDS! :)


back at school again :( *sad face*
luckily this is my day with only three classes... so woot :)

also since poopie theguestbook.com is shutting down it's free service-- i added a haloscan comment thingy ... :) use it! :P

happy thanksgiving :)

got a chance to hang out with bun today before she leaves ... was really nice to be able to chat and eat and drink lotsa tea :)hehe... gonna miss her lots... but it'll be *such* a cool exciting adventure :) (for her not me)

what am i thankful for?

love.
i'm thankful for love.
that's all that matters to me.
i'm thankful most of all for the endless, saving, incomparable love of God that i have the undeserved priviledge of basking in every single day.
secondly, i'm thankful for the love of my family and friends that i have been blessed with. your love and support means so so so so so so much. you have no idea. in whatever way it's shown... it's understood. and it's recieved with much gratitude. i dont' deserve it but you guys are all there for me anyways.

hope everyone ate lotsa turkey and pie.
-_- mmmmmmmmm.........

*tummy rumble*
i can smell turkey creeping around my house ... turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce *drool*
Going to auntie sarah's in like ten minutes for thanksgiving dinner ^_^
pumkin pieeeeeeeeeeeee :)
AHHHHHHHHHHH i lovelovelove thanksgiving! :D i'm thankful for FOOOOD! hehehe

rockton was OHkay... well it was cool but mega expensive!!! you had to pay admission and THEN inside you had to pay for basically everything too O_o so i'm out like $25 :P *bah* but all inall it was a good time :) only me dora tiff viv and roger went tho everyone else was in toronto, or sick, or had a piano lesson :P and i didn't get my baked potato :(

but hopefully there will be lots of potatoes at the dinner i'm going to now! seeyaz! :)

i keep waking up. i can't seem to stay sleeping.
eyes and body hot and hair damp i've been shoving my head into my pillow to blunt the ache in my head.
i think maybe this is because i took a four hour nap in the afternoon, just can't sleep much more. i'm going to rockton fair in four hours.

mmm -_- baked potato.

so it's finally friday.
friday finally.
and i am once again reminded of how much i don't like period c spare on day two mornings... the library is filled with bustling juniors who are oblivious to the fact that theyare in the library or that there are other people around.
i've seated myself next to the quietest person i can find. he reminds me of the little boy from sixth sense, the character not the actor that's why i can't remember his name. But he looks as if he sees dead people all the time.
on the other side of me, anna from rugby has seated herself. O_o... she has a really gross sneeze that seems to be aimed somewhat in my direction, i say bless you and try not to flinch.

i realize... i've grown used to first period peace and quiet. me time.

ugh. this retarded "substitute" librarian was just like
"uhhh is thta school stuff?"
"no.."
"make sure you're doing school stuff"
"oh ok"

actually it's NOT okay what the heck?? .. she thinks i'm like in grade nine i bet ... no . actually i'm in grade 12 in my spare. sorry that it urks you that not even all the computers are filled and i'm not doing school stuff. i'd understand if there was someone needing to get on to do school stuff but there really isn't so please screw off because i'm not in the greatest of moods and i am using this freaking blogging time whether you like it or not!.

*breathe*

this hasn't been a great week.

perhaps if i tell you why, it will defeat the whole purpose.
or perhaps it is because i refuse to get down on my knees and beg like a dog.

ultimately, it's all about respect. give it, and it will be returned.
if you don't respect me then don't be surprised by a cold stare or a reluctance of words.

i had the best day yesterday :)
God is amaziiiiiing!!!! He answers prayers :)
my two tests ended up actually being good!... it hink i did well anyways and questions i sat puzzling over came to me in time for me to finish :D woooot! :)
and today i got my chem quiz back and i got 80% and ditto with my physics group lab which i didn't think we were gonna do taht well on! :)

adrian came over for dinner last nite hahahaha... twas so funny ... and we sat around and he played guitar -- mad skillz! :) anyways he played this song which i completely fell in love with:

Come Home Running : Chris Tomlin

Oh heart of mine, why must you stray?
From one so fair you run away
And one more time you have to pay
The heaviness of needless shame

Oh heart of mine, come back home
You've been too long out on your own
And He's been there all along
Watching for you down the road

So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are

Oh child of God so dearly loved
And ransomed by the Savior's blood
And called by name, Daughter and Son
Wrapped in the robe of righteousness

kaykay gotta go-- eye appointment in .5 hr... bahhhh

calc and data management tests today..
both. yes both.
pray hard. please pray hard...

*screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*

i hate school.

yes yesterday was a good day.. today... not so much. so far..
one goodthing... the computers at our school have miraculously sped up over the weekend... i am now able to blog in the normal blog "interface" thingy instead of the lite version :) yayyyyyyyyyy ......
-leaving my contacts in for 8 hrs today :P
-concept rehearsal after school--CHOIRGIRL-- oh how i wish i could quit.. but alas i need extracurriculars *sigh* at least it's only for half an hour.

good day

- eumie was the *best* upon hearing about spiderman... :)
- worship was so good... plus david dente spoke :)
- so many ppl here to visit!! :)
- my kids were cute -- although insane O_o
- esther's bday lunch was yummy and fun :) -- happy beeelated shter!!
- got to chill with g :D :D :D ... miss that. bumbum daniel is crazy-- two weeks is HUGE.

LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA :)

and i need to stop thinking about him. stopstopstop.

goodbye.

one of my best friends just died. all i can do is like cry and sit and try not to look at him.
spiderman.

i cna't believe this... it's like... today at olivia's she was saying "the problem with fish is that they die so easily" and i was thinking to myself "spiderman must be some sort of superfish he's awesome he'll never die" and ... then now... is life trying to freakin prove something to me?

if you think he's just a fish shut up. well whatever. think what you want but i don't wanna hear about it if you think that. spiderman was amazing.

contrary to popular belief fish can have personalities.
spiderman had hobbies..
he liked blowing bubbles some that stayed for a while and some that jsut popped at the surface. also he liked to swim around.
he had a favourite place..
underneath his flower where he'd sit, sleep, or ponder.
he was love sick...
he'd sit and daydream about girls from before and always make bubble nests just in case she came around his bowl and wanted to reproduce with him.

he was a really good friend...
he'd swim over to my side of the bowl to greet me...
listen to me belt out songs ... christmas carols... everything...
listen to me cry when i was upset about whatever happened...
listened to me talk about my problems...
sympathized with my lack of love life...

and no matter how stupid it sounds i always felt like he cared. he cared when i'd talk or whatever... the way he'd sit there intently... and no he wasn't getting ready to attack because he didn't puff up... he was a gentlemanly fish... and like... when no one seemed to give a crap when i felt like i couldn't tell anyone things... or no one really wanted to listen i could talk to him..

whatever.
i can't change it. he's gone.
i'm a fish killer. a friend killer.

my dad just said i look korean. O_o i think not. :P

hi! lights :D



hehehehe just got them today :P

trying to brainstorm a name for praylude's newspaper/newsletter thingy...
ideas?

disappointments can be opportunities.

i want to be his *best* friend not his girlfriend. and no this doesn't relate to the above statement.

ummmmmmmmmmmm........ it's SNOWING!
erh!??!
i dont' get it... it's october second. the SECOND DAY OF OCTOBER and it's SNOWING!
i dont' know whether to feel happy or sad...
i mean... on one hand i'm like "WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!" :D funfunfun
but then on the other hand i'm like "boo we kinda missed fall jsut a bit"
haha this is just so weird... all the gr. 10s in the library are all like "OH MY GOSH! SNOW OH MY GOSH!!!!!!" haha so funny...
although i must admit... it IS strange.
but haha nothing is never a surprise in terms of waterloo weather... :P

hahahha
so i was reading over my guestbook entries and realized that it only displays up to page ten ---
the oldest entry visible was by g on nov. 27, 2002.
http://www.theguestbook.com/vgbook/437497.gbook?9
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
FINALLY --- "guest" has been deleted hehehehehe :)
for those of you who dont' remember who "guest" is. he/she was someone who anonomously posted on my guestbook about something i wrote... i don't actually remember what they wrote but it was pretty harsh... and i guess i was really hurt by it because it was the first time in my "blogging history" that someone had ever remarked so fiercely abotu something i wrote. i couldn't remember what it was that i wrote so i decided to look it up:
sooooo...
go click on my Nov. 2002 archives and you will see that there were A LOT of interesting posts that month... *ahem* i can see that a number of them could have caused "rebuke" ... so i'm not quite sure which one it was ... crap :P ... if u remember kindly tell me cuz i can't stop trying to remember.
hahha
wow i was a really interesting person then... have i deteriorated in my interestingness?

i got contacts!!!!! :D keekeekerker
yayay!no more squinting!!!

oh yeah!i forgot to post this link-- the Christian fellowship at my school...currently called ISCF(interschool Christian fellowship---tell me if you can think of something better... we're trying to come up with a new name):

http://wci-iscf.blogspot.com

checkit out..not much there yet butjust you wait!!! :)

HAPPY BDAy WAIKILEE :)
kekeke..
hope you had the best one ever :)

it is nice

it is nice to empty
out a bottle of seven days

HAPPY BDAY CLARA BO BEARA! :D

had dim sum w dora adrian and viv today :)
i love dimsum :)

crystal palace changed their spring rolls. it's gross now... it's got TARO inside of it *gag* *double gag*

so this morning ... like SO early...
jo kat tiff alex and i boarded the Go-Bus (train doesn't run on saturdays! :( ) to the t-dot for the Ontario University Fair :)
was quite cool got some bookies, asked some questions got some free stuf f:) ...
nippissing was really cool ... they took our picture with a poloroid camera so we could keep it as a souvineer even though none of us will go to north bay for university.
my second favourite display was queens... the had it with their campus set up as a life size back drop... and park benches displayed on a green with black street lamps teasing you as you walked by thinking "i'm at queens... but i'm inside heeee" it was definitely cool :) i want my room to look like that ... yeah... ran in to becky and amie! :)

after we finished getting everythign we walked back to Union Station to take the subway to the Eaton Centre (thanks aj!).... annnnnd we saw the WALK OF FAME!!!
HEEEE!!! okay shut up it's exciting for a bunch of looers :P so basically we spent the rest of the time shopping cept that jo and alex left early :( ... i bought some stuff :) including two novels -- Fall on Your Knees and White Oleander (which i am done 1/5 of and i think is already beginning to replace She's Come Undone as my fav novel) ... i've wanted to read white oleander for SO LONG. bah hanve't seen the movie either :)
so it was QUITE a fun day :) but veryvery tiring...

went to mikey's for dinner had my usual. heard sandra came to waterloo today. sipped my bubble tea. talked to amanda. dora came in with marius henry brendan and marius's friend kevin. left. came home. read white oleander. and am typing this blog now hoping my heart will not collapse in to a pile of dust. afraid of hatred like that of ingrid.

shiver. how creepy is ingrid man...

how is it that we have only one year left .. less than that and the four of us can't spend one freaking day all together? ... ugh. whatever.

umok so correction abraham wasn't going to *joyfully* kill his son
but like
i can't find a better example :P

grrrrrrr
okay so Concept results were posted thismorning. and having A spare i went to check them out... yeah i made it. but i'm in the freaking choir AGAIN!!!!
bah!! ...i guess i just have to face it. i'm just a choir girl, and i always will be.

had a good day today :)

chilled with adrian hahaha ... so funny... bbt and lots of laughs :)
while walking i remarked about how i could sorta see my breath a bit... coldness coming in ... waterloo weather is nice righ tnow... a little chilly but ... perfect. i love autumn crispness. this is the best season :) ... so gorgeous. with crackly leaves under your feet that you step on just to hear them crackle because it's such a beautiful sound. and you get to buy those new boots and classy new pants and tops because it's getting colder... oh the joys of fall... now if only there wasn't school to dread.

came to realize some things tonight while talking to mike... not going to explain the conversation but it was a big wake up call for my spiritual life... which i think is starting to lag without my knowing... so sneaky :P ... gotta get those devos going again... gotta get rid of some sins that are holding me back... and yeah gotta thing about some stuff...
"pretend that God is telling you to [give up something really important to you]
how do you react?if it's any other way than with joy, then we've got something to work on...if we obey God with anything less than joy, then we've got a problem"
it reminded me of Abraham and Isaac... that Abraham would hve (joyfully) killed his own son because God commanded him to...
how do i get that kind of love and submission to Him? and how do i get that kind of direction in life from God... how can i know His will at all times?
because i know that i want to follow Him.. and i want to do His will... but it is not always joyfully that i do it... i guess i hold too tightly still to wordly things... and sometimes i can't even distinguish what His will is!...
id unno.. that frustrates me ... but i guess ijust need to pray abotu it and in the mean time make sure that i am offering my WHOLE heart to God and not just part of it.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

i shut my eyes so tight and wish... wish a million paradise sushi rolls that i won't care.
that each day will be just another day. that each moment will be just another moment. that each person will just be another sillouhette in passing.

"from now on it will just be
me, standing at the edge glaring at
you, as if i didn’t care

when in fact i do
i want to hear you thinking
of me, even when i forget
to think back in return"
~kalypsobekka

R.I.P. chippy the chipmunk... :*(

happy birthday miss sandy kun!! :)

western rep came to school today ... kat and i went to see what western was all about hehe :P ...
id unno if i want to go there... mybe.. but it's not my first choice i dont' think...
OHHHHHH university is so stressful!

ISCF(interschool Christian fellowship) had it's first meeting this morning... :)
hehe was a pretty good turnout like 30 ppl :) niceway to start the day ...although earlY! ... something Jon said stuck out inmy head "If you light yourself on fire, people love to come see you burn" hehe

i have major cramps.i wanna go home.

hey so i just got this Friendster thing that vidaloca sent me
hehehe soooo cool! except that at the moment i only have two friends lol
loner...
so add me if u have it and ur my friend :P
i used jazzalicious07@hotmail.com

just talked to my like second mother haha
kee i'm happy :) good way to start the day ... :D
but apparently i'm not allowed to look at guys til after university HA..

God is so amazing!
so i've been freaking out about this unforgivable sin thing... freak,ing about how i might have committed it and stuff... and so i prayed so hard during service today for a sign... a sign to know whether it was real guilt or false guilt... and so i went to sunday school today and joseph's like "today we're going to talk about... guilt." and i just gaped at him. it was like wow. and i didn't even say anything about it and then the whole issue got resolved without me saying a word about it ... liek somebody else brought up the whole unforgivable sin thing and it wasn't even exactly the topic! and WOW.
that's jsut making a long story short but yeah... like God is so good :) and He sometimes answers prayers so quickly !!!! thankYou! :) it's nice to know that i'm not goign to hell :P

went to chill at tiff's tonight... talked ate played some soccer... watch some chinese movies hehe :) took pics :) nice way to end off the wknd :)
bah... school again tommorow...

chilled at dora's today with her, jo, viv, jon, and marius :)
i got a free skateboarding poster from boardzone :D
i love pics of people skateboarding!!!

i've decided i want to learn how to skateboard. :P
too bad i have NO balance :P

went to g's byebye bbq yesterday :) was fun ... got to chat and chill with a lot of people that haven't really talked to in a long time... really nice to be able to catch up and whatnot. i'm glad so many people are here this term :)

i heard Shania Twain's Forever and Always twice today ... twice! *shudder* i relalllly don't like that song... :P

my Concept audition was today... poopoo instrumental auditions were distracting me ... electric guitar... so loud. id unno. i just really hope i dont' end up in the choir again this year... i know i must sound like an ingrate having gotten in for the past two years but... i dunno! like...i just want a better part... to have to devote that much time to something..i guess it just makes it seem more worthwhile if your'e not singing with a gazzillion other people. but considering i dind't do the BEST i could possibly do... my fate in the choir is most likely sealed. :P unless i don't get in at all?

praylude tonight... talked about the abc's of salvation... it was cool to see all that subject compliment stuff actually come into play... and then after we all went to mikey's for some eats and some bbt :) .. fun times... had a good laugh over stuff we did in the summer of grade nine... wow... that was the best summer of my life for sure! :)

miss you.

it's happened.

your hand's gone at the crosswalk. hand's gone from the bike seat.
i'm inhaling sharply.
i want to sit on the curb and refuse to cross the street.
i want to squeeze the hand brakes and refuse to pedal. place my feet firmly on the ashfault unbudging.
as if by some miracle, *my* stagnancy will make time stand still with me. perhaps even rewind.

but i know that's not what it's like. life isn't like a movie as much as i'd like it to be... and it isn't a daydream in which i can twist situations to my liking.
can i cross the street by myself? yeah. i guess i can. i know how to look both ways, walk not run, quicken my pace as the hand flashes.
can i ride my bike alone? yeah. maybe i'll fall... scrape my knees up a bit... but somehow... i'll find the strength to get back on.

That same strength that gripped the tears forming behind my eyes. strength that was not there yesterday but was there today. strength that disappeared with the shutting of the door as i pressed my back into the wall letting it all flow out thinking i hate this i hate this i hate this.

but you've taught me much, and i don't forget. i do know some things... and i can do some things... and i can deal. just gotta dry my eyes, suck it up, and live life to the fullest. trust God that things are going to be okay, remember that everything is a blessing, and strive to be the best that i can possibly be.
i can maybe do that. but it doesn't mean i'm not scared. and it doesn't mean i won't miss you ... miss everything.

need to think about it. gonna go shove my face into my pillow and sleep it off.

waiting

not much longer now.
gripping the hand i hold so tightly, eyes shooting up to ensure it hasn't vanished.
pedalling vigourously, neck straining to see the hand hanging on to the seat.
i swallow.
very soon.
i shed a tear while waiting.
for your hand to disappear.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*ahem*
the o-c is the BEST SHOW IN THE WORLD!!!! and ... it's gone for a month and a half!!! :*( *tears*
my current wallpaper:

seventeen

thankyou Father for these seventeen years. years that could have been taken away at any moment and almost were... years that have been filled with countless memories, countless blessings... years that i have come to treasure as they speed by faster and faster. I love You.

a week ago, maybe less, i was pretty miserable... thinking about all the things that were going wrong... thinking about how school was so different this year than the last... thinking about my classes and how everything seemed wrong and the stress of university coming overwhelming me a bit... thinking about my desire to serve God in Praylude with four of my best friends and the hurt i felt when i realized they would be serving on commitee together without me... thinking about my roles in life... how maybe i didn't fit them anymore. wondering... wondering whether if i was important anywhere at all anymore... wondering if i mattered. and so certain that i was not loved or valued by anyone. cared for yes, but loved and valued... no.

but then i got to thinking this weekend... how am i looking at this? g always says it's all about perspective. so last night i tried to percieve it in a different way. i wasn't excited about seventeen at all. in fact, i wanted to stay sixteen... yet this weekend was really really great. compared to last year's galla this weekend was very regular ... but i got to spend a lot of time with friends and family... people doing all these little nice things for me to show me how much they care... to show that they remembered.
time.
time is huge. it seems to pass more and more quickly every year... so precious... something only God can control. and you never really know how much you have left. the way you spend your time is like a vote. a vote as to what is important to you. this weekend a lot of time was devoted to me. and that meant alot... but what means even more is how much time is devoted to me regularily. the number of people who will spend their time talking to me, doing things for me, chilling out with me... is a great many more than i deserve. and over the years God has blessed me with countless friends ... friends that i am so lucky to have yet so often take for granted...
and i know that if that many people are will to invest so much time in me... then i must be pretty important to them :)-- valued. and VERY well cared for. and all these things exhibit love. can i say that i am certain that every single one of these people love me? no. but who cares? teh actions shown and the actual relationships are much mroe important than someone saying i love you.

also... i thought everything was going wrong ... but i'm sure everything that happens will be used by God in accordance with His plan for me... and everything will turn out in the end :)

and what have i done this year that's worth remembering?
i grew. i grew closer to God. I grew new relationships and deepened old ones. i discovered true friends. and friends that i could rely on for spiritual and emotional and physical support. i got baptised. i had fun. i laughed. and i made people smile.

i could not be more grateful for a year that could not have been better.

this is the last blog entry of my sixteenth year of my life...
35 minutes to go...
much to reflect upon but instead i think i'll sing the song one last time as Leisl:

Sixteen Going On Seventeen
[Rolf:]
You wait, little girl, on an empty stage
For fate to turn the light on
Your life, little girl, is an empty page
That men will want to write on

[Liesl:]
To write on

[Rolf:]
You are sixteen going on seventeen
Baby, it's time to think
Better beware, be canny and careful
Baby, you're on the brink

You are sixteen going on seventeen
Fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads and rogues and cads
Will offer you food and wine

Totally unprepared are you
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you
Of things beyond your ken

You need someone older an wiser
Telling you what to do
I am seventeen going on eighteen
I'll take care of you

[Liesl:]
I am sixteen going on seventeen
I know that I'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe

I am sixteen going on seventeen
Innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies
What do I know of those

Totally unprepared am I
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken

I need someone older and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are seventeen going on eighteen
I'll depend on you

-- so long farewell.

i REALLY don't like period C spare on day 2 mornings.
i can deal with chilling out alone on period A for the rest of the week but period C mornings SUCK. so since period C is actually a spare for all juniors or lunch on the other days, the library is pretty full. It is also inhabited by teachers who have jr lunch off or certain senior students who have a similar situation as myself-- but only the ones i don't know of course since if i knew them i wouldn't be so tormented and of course that would never do. i tried hanging out in front of my locker but i got kicked out of the hall by a stupid meano teacher. so aside from having no friends to chill with first period i am also subject to lack of privacy and space. BAH. and the library is loud. like SHUT UP. it's the library! grrr~~ ...
also, i was shafted by ovaltine and her gr nine friends lol...DITCHED... jk viv haha...

10 more minutes... *breathe* and then biology -- oh the joys of cell growth :P

something i had to write for english...

It is a rare occasion that one has the privilege of experiencing that tremendous feeling. A feeling that starts as a tingle at the top of your stomach and runs like seeping ink through your body, filling it in such a manner that your insides yearn to burst, yet giving you a sense that you are incredibly small. Wonder.
This privilege came to me during a trip to Alberta a few years ago. I remember it exactly, standing at the edge of Lake Louise with my eyes resting above the horizon, completely mesmerized. At that moment, nothing and no one else existed save for the Rocky Mountains and myself. I was completely overtaken by the vastness of the megaliths before me. Rock, white and jagged, stretched my eyes higher than skyscrapers or any human accomplishment. Although still, they shocked me with the power they emitted and the cold splash of realization that human hands could not create such majesty.
Yet the feeling that empowers you is not only strong and serrated, but also soft, like a vast, unending canvas of a great painter that could only be God himself. His brush’s blending so fine that it is difficult to differentiate the peaks from the sky.
This canvas and this power engulfing you could only be described as wonder, a moment in time in which your significance is nothing.

5 days.


so yeah like the O.C. is the best show EVER! *all nod in agreement*
*GUSH*
i love this show sooooo much it's so good! ^_^ seth and ryan are both so hot! ...i didn't think ryan was that great iin the beginning but his personality makes him woww plus his body. :P ahem.
bah... i can't believe marissa and luke!!! NOOOOOOO... marissa's supposed to be with RYAN!!!! too bad he messed it up bLAH... anywayyyyyss.s.. this is SUCH a good show. honestly if you haven't seen it ... seriously seriously watch it. i'm addicted. hehe :)

bleh. it's picture day tommorow and i just grew a zit :(

the thing about having a spare first thing in the morning every single week where you have to go and can't sleep in because you have no other ride is... you spend a lot of quality time with yourself. i guess it's kinda nice... when i put it like that.. "quality time with me" but ... it sucks. i mean come *on* . why should i have to wake up and sit around while everyone else with this spare is sleeping? :P i want to get this changed around but i haven't seen my guidance counsellor ONCE yet and it's impossible to get an appointment. i just don't go at the right times i guess... i've been feeling so so so unlucky. i mean, i'm trying to trust God that this sis the way things are supposed to be and if He wants them to change He'll get me that chance to change it... it's been really in my face that that's what i'm supposed to do-- trust Him with all my heart. but i can't help but sulk a little because i'm tired and woudl much rather be at home in my bed. WAHHHH I WANNA SLEEP!!!! >_<

went to nsr last night with pt, chris, jo, and kat. i met some people... this one guy named Kai who when i saw his nametag i thought it said "KA!" and i was like WOW! can i call you KA!? and he's like "no... cuz it sounds bad when you say it twice" lolz.
also it's weird when people come back and you didn't miss them all that much over the term but when you see them you realize you did.

my "suk poh" aka tiff's grandma is having her surgery today... MAD MAD MAAAAAADDDD prayer power needed... it's at 10:30 am... please please pray hard...

oh wow. one week left. i wish time would just freeze.

smily:
i can't believe you're
gone. tears fall now that clung to my eyelids earlier.
i miss you already.
but at least you won't forget. at least you won't become like him.

Sept. 7, 2003. 2:05 am.

My room is dim, soft, white light bursts from the computer screen and Eagle Eye Cherry’s “Save Tonight” is only whispering from the speakers so as not to wake my family. I would sleep but my attempts to do so are completely in vain. It’s like all these things are trying to cram themselves into my mind and I can hardly begin to focus on even one and yet I can’t stop thinking about any of them. o/~ tomorrow comes to take me away, I wish that I that I could stay… save tonight fight the break of dawn come tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be gone o/~ I have one week of 16 left… to many, it’s just another year… but 16 was a big deal to me. I had so many expectations for the 16th year of my life… I can’t remember whether they were fulfilled because I think some of these expectations have changed or rather I’ve changed and their importance has dissipated a great deal or almost completely. I remember one. I always thought I would get my first kiss at 16… and that hasn’t happened. Am I disappointed? Sometimes… but I guess more often I’m thankful. Thankful that something so important to me was preserved for the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I guess I complain about it enough but really, I’m glad. But I’m not really thinking about past dreams… I’m thinking more along the lines of what I HAVE done… what made this year worth remembering…

In an attempt to organize my thoughts and properly reflect, I’ve slotted my life into a few areas:
1. relationship with God
2. relationships with others
3. praylude
4. school
5. character development?

I think I’m going to take the next week to think about each “section” as much as I can… I guess I’d like to think about development because even though I am not looking forward to turning 17, I’m gonna make it the best year it can possibly be and I’m going to grow and change and develop as much as I possibly can. I’m terrified of change but I will take charge of my own growth and pray to change in accordance with His plan in His time. It’s heartbreaking to see 16 go by in a blink of an eye, but perhaps it’s time for me to let go of the past a little and focus on today and on what’s to come… I wont’ be able to sing the song anymore but hey, 17 is the title of a magazine. =P

my first "in school" blog of the year!!!!...
we have an extended period A today ... so that means i have an extended spare :)
bah.. i wish i had a car so i didn't have to wake up so early for nothing...
but i only have 3 classes today so that puts me in a good mood :)

craP!!!.... BAHHHHH i just realized i forgot to bring the sunday school bag for kat to give to sherry since i'm switching weeks with her!!! >_< ohhhhhhh what am i gonna do nOWW?? :( maybe i'll ask dora if she can take me home? ... i dunno tho...

anyways there was just an announcement about "get off the computers because there is a deadly virus maybe" or something so i'm gonna publish this before i get kicked off...

only 5 hours and 45 min until my first official weekend of the year!
WHEEEE ^_^

school's going... well... it's going.

i wish for just some time to fix this up... but i don't have enough of it...

gotta learn to take things as they come. let the changes slide off my back and grin and bear it.
and trust trust trust in God... *sigh*

"29 Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. 30 The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, 31 and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." Deut. 1:29-31

the end is near. an hour and 18 min away to be exact.

i can't believe this... this... is goodbye. goodbye to the the joys of summer...

close my eyes. appear confident, appear collected.

home again :)

pictures coming soon

changes coming soon

school coming soon.

woe is me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAT!!!! :D ... hm i guess belated since its 2:22 am... another seventeen leaving me in the dust ;)
- had breakfast with kat, kare, mo,auntie sandy and uncle michael at texas bbq yum!
- helped auntie juana move ... encountered some RUDE people... grrrr....
- dinnerat east sides w kat dora mo kare viv pt and jo wall and di came later for cake
- chatted with mo abouta lot of stuff :) twas nice ...

ok that was a really boring entry.

...waiting.

worth

mine is none.

just got up ... it's really nice in here... completely quiet save the whispers of the trees being aroused by the wind and the occasional groan of a car crawling up phillip street... the sun's hidden behind clouds so the light is dim filtering through the screens... it's so peaceful. i love it except for the fact that quietness like this causes me to think too much.

time.
one minute someone's here... and the next... you don't know if you'll be seeing them again. or worse, you know you won't be.
it's funny how much i think i'm such a "part of the family" until something like this happens and it's like bang. and i'm hit with the blunt realization of how much i'm not. i just really pray for peace and comfort for all of them...
but it's not just about that.
it[s so crazy. realizing how much you treasure people. how much they mean to you ... really. and you don't really treasure every single minute you have with them until... they're almost gone. it just seems so unfair. all of this. all of everything seems like utter unfairness.
and yeah maybe it's part of some intricate plan God has for me.. for everyone. but i find it difficult to see the big picture when it hurts so much.

steph: the pics on the side are my moo cow and underneath is me... i'll post more pics soon like tommorow :) so keep checking... hope u and my parents are having fun :)

crashing at g's tonight.. was just at the rec center and saw the MOST disgusting thing EVER
this woman comes out of the shower area COMPLETELy naked. i'm like sitting on a bench thing in front of the lockers.. and she stands like RIGHT in front of me. so naturally i look away onto the bench beside me... and then she comes over and sets her stuff down right beside me and starts drying herself -- still completely naked. and THEN.... she walks over to the hair dryers and is like drying her pubes or something i was like AGHHHHGGHHGHGH!!!! >_< oh the horror. she was like 50 years old or something likethat... wow man. that was just scarring.

wonderland was really fun :) ... it exeeded my expectations. old friends, new friends, far friends, and near friends... :)

will post pictures sooon :)
gotta get some time to sit around on my comp :)

it's been a fun week :) busy and fun :)
-finished drivers ed!! :) woot!
-picked up my bui yee from the airport and had a "sleep"over... hehe stayed up til 6:30 am catching up and stuff :) really great. missed u a lot tiffling.
-hung out with auntie maureen all day :) good to talk and stuff...
-went to ikea tonite! :D i lub ikea and sang with jo and di for the frist time in 3 months! :D

and above all-- the food has been great :D
hehe i had... homecooked, harveys, pizza, burger king, kin tin, swiss chalet and Ben than twice!! :) hehehe
yummalicious...

"you're fattening" LOL...

my family should be there by now...

the drivers ed in class teacher is SO MEAN! .. at first it hought he was just a nice old man... but today he just ....UGHHHHH!!!!
and yesterday with the frapp! like gimme a break! ... he doesn't like me for NO REASON.

hmph.

going up to jo's now... bahhhhh i can't carry all this stuff and my parents like hid the sleeping bags or something cuz they're gone.

i think ... finally... I'm over him. :)

today-- i broke my two week no swearing streak over a caramel frappucino. *sigh* :( ... ugh. it's hard. i'm worried because right now i'm not in an environment where someone cusses every two seconds unlike when i get back to school ... where it'll be even more difficult to maintain self control. :(

driving school was okay -- BORING -- but not as bad as i thought it would be. i have a nice old man teacher who is frazzled and tells a lot of stories ... but he doesn't lke people drinking inside :P bah. lauren (dumering!) and rachel jantzi accompanied me and jo to harvey's for lunch :) yummooo ...
it's nice cuz Canada Driving School is across the street from harveys and chapters-- STARBUCKS -- caramel frappucino :) so it's convenient to go get lunch and coffee... and yYA! we're a quarter done! :)

.... phone calls... freaking out... eminem... puppy sounds... laughing my head off...
i miss you.

and i miss vbs too. :(

wow... it's been almost a week since i last blogged....
it just seems like every time i go to blog something happens-- like the black out for example ...
it's crazy how much our society depends upon electricity... i myself slept at 10:30 for lack of anything better to do .... annnnnnnd i slept on the GROUND of my family room cuz it was SO hot upstairs since the ac was gone... "slept" is more accurate since i woke up like every 5 min. it was soooo uncomfortable... the highlight of the evening was when kat and mo and daniel and kadin came over and we took pictures to amuse ourselves after it got too dark to really even do much by candlelight... hahahaha...

for your viewing pleasure:

This one is my personal favourite.... HAHAHA







.... we're tryign to look scared... hahaha... because... well... it's a black out... sooo... id unno...

ontario place was a blast yesterday! :)
jon and jason met up with us which was really cool -- cool to see them both again! :)
skaters are cool!

SO tired... jo, g, dora and i were practicing vbs songs :P ... hahaha... soo funny...so EXHAUSTING!
honestly... our actions are extremely tiring :P ... it's like doing aerobics :P
twas fun tho :) my dad took pictures! O_o... *shudder* we look so weiiiiird~!

hey you know what?
i've been really happy these couple of days... i've noticed that i have very little "beef" with anyone or anything...
it's nice :). perhaps not *quite* as interesting... but nice.

kat jo dora viv and i are going to see Freaky Friday tonight LOL... :P ... cuz Tristan from GG is in it :P ...
but it actually looks kinda interesting... the Parent Trap girl is in it and i liked the Parent Trap :)

went to the church last night me and dora got the banner for the front door all done!

annnnnnnnnnnnd............. i'm goign to Ontario Place tommorow!!!!! WOOT! :D .. hehe :) sorry but man... when u haven't done liek ANYTHING all summer... its' like "fong gaam" ya kno? plus-- a certain boy will be there *GUSH*
hahaha......
oh it's always abotu the boy *grin*

went to the church tonight (wednesday) to paint the vbs banner and sharpie the backdrops which were WOWWWWWly painted btw!!! .. they did such a good job.. i wish i didn't have to miss out :( ... i mean, the kids are great but... i wish i didn' thave to go alonnnnne to church to do it but i couldn't expect anyone to come with me... but actually i was pleasantly surprised.

Paul (Wang) ended up staying with me and helping me ... and it was nice cuz we dont' seem to have much in common yet we had a really interesting conversation... about all sorts of stuff including the importance of children's ministry which i think is a really big deal... and abotu unity in the church and etcetc... it was really nice to be able to chat and to have help haha :)... we got the jungle and the sea doneee! :) ... also egypt was done from the other day... i added a few finishing touches... but yeah... they were painted so well!... i admire the colour coordination :)
check it [note: it looks better in person :P] :
Egypt

Jungle

Under the Sea/Finding Nemo

lazy summer days are really nice =) ...

yesterday shabba and jeremy showed up at my door-- it was like WOW. haven't seen those two for a long long while... and it was really nice. unbelievably nice :)

had sooo much fun prepping for vbs today :) hehe... after i crawled under a fence to get to church, dora jo viv and i walked down to zehrs and got some junk food to much on while we painted and -- SHORT STOP SELLS CHERRY COKE!!!! :)
on the way there my klutzyness prevails AGAIN ... me and viv were crossing hte street and i tripped over the one cm curb and fall FLAT on my face :P the lady int he car gave me a look :P hmph. lol at least she didn't run me over or burst out laughing like i would have if i'd been in her position haha.. yeah we laughed for a while abotu that :P and our sets actually look nice now!!!!! -- except for the first one we did that one is still ugly :P ...
i'm not painting anymore i'm filling in details and tracing with a black permanent marker... i'm better at drawing than painting in the lines :P :)

ladeeda...

apology


i can be the most knowledgable christian ever, know all the right answers, believe so strongly in Jesus... but if i am unwilling to shape my life to be more like Christ ... then what kind of Christian am i? ...


God usually sends me wake up calls in the form of either life lows or certain people. i'm guessing it's because He knows that's what gets to me the most. and at first i thought "kay this is not really a big deal"... but actually i just spent the past bit praying about it... and i think this is something that really needs to be changed. otherwise, i don't think God would let people bring this up-- repeatedly.
so i just wanted to apologize for the profanity that's somehow snuck itself into this blog. ok. no. i shouldn't say it like that. because in typing i have every ability to look and delete. yet, i always decide to myself that i want this to be a record of my unedited thoughts-- completely real. i never gave a second thought to how maybe it IS important to edit... important to edit our thoughts everyday important to edit our thoughts before they become actions that can cause those to stumble. if i proclaim myself to be a Christian then i really need to clean it up. not just in this aspect of my life of course but i think this is something so simple that has been neglected because of my stubborness and sometimes desire to be stagnant. I think God is really telling me not only about swearing but ... well really about editting my thoughts. i mean, i always think it's stupid to do so but really-- i SHOULD be always doing just that. naturally, i am a very very sinful person but that doesn't mean that i should remain sinful because that's how i "really" am. even if in the beginning changing these sins seems forced and unnatural, practicing this change, by prayer, petition, and effort is what makes it natural and what God can use to help me become a NATURALLY less sinful person. Likewise with this swearing on my blog. Just because it is naturally what i am thinking when i'm typing, taking a tiny bit of effort in editing these thoughts can prove to help me be more aware of this sin and perhaps make it more natural for me not to swear....
and so i'd really like to change. honest. i think swearing is somethingthat God really wants out of my system because it is a constant stumbling block for others and especially for myself in being a good witness and being the most Christlike person i can be.


"9With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. 10Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. 11Can both fresh water and salt[1] water flow from the same spring? 12My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. " james 3:9-12


so.. yeah. i prayed about it... and thought about it... and i'd like to be someone who produces fresh water, someone whose tongue is used as much as possible only to bring glory to God. so i apologize for the profanity that has occured in this blog and i will definitely refrain from that from now on. i'm sorry if it has caused anyone to stumble, or be offended... i'm sorry that you even had to lay eyes on it. this isn't easy... i mean, admitting that it's a problem isn't easy... but it shouldn't be. living a Christian life... shouldn't be easy. and i've known that. always known that. but God ... i'm willing to try really really really hard and struggle... because yeah, i'm really stubborn and whatnot but ... i really DO want to follow You completely.
and yeah...i know that there's a lot more to taming the tongue than just killing the profanity in my blog... but hey, baby steps.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DI!!!!
ur no longer a teennnnn ur a teeeee haha..
-did vbs prep at church today... sets were.. heh... ok they were really ugly after me esther and victoria started painting them...hahaa and right after victoria goes "jasmine youre' such an artist" LOL -- totally NOT. the sets are so ugly :P haha.. btu they look better from far away and that's what matters :P:)

oh the irony

if you could hear me laughing right now you'd hear this scornful breathy laugh and see eyes cast toward the grainy ceiling and black head shaking in disgusted yet pleased disbelief.
during a heated msn conversation with a friend about life, problems, and expectations i found myself launching into this shpiel [disclaimer: i am not displaying the context in respect for my friend so please don't think i'm cocky]:

*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
you know what? ...


*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
i think ... its' all about perspective.


*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
like... ok. i have a lot i complain about as well ... and so ... i have no business in saying you don't have a right ot complain about whatever


*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
because yeah shit happens. but shit happens to everyone. and ... i dunno i think i myself... well... i've been moping alot lately. becuase of stuff that isn't seemingly goign my way..


*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
and i think..."gosh this sucks. my life sucks. blabalbla" but does it really? i mean, how many good things do i have going for me that others dont' have? and not only that but if i decide that i'm goign to focus on everything negative... maybe i'm not as "important" seemingly as others, maybe people i htink are amazing and whatever dont' love me or love me as much as i'd like... but who the hell am i to expect anything from anyone? [especially those i regard in such high esteem]


*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
or anything from God even? and if i regard everything in a negative way then that's just what it's going to be-- negative. because i wont find anything in anything. it's like... a self fulfilling prophesy.


*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
Philippians 2
Imitating Christ's Humility
1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus


*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
i'm not saying i actually do all these things that i just said... i think that was just more of a self reflection actually wow.


i think i take to heart more than i think i do. sitting on a park bench kicking at the sand or clutching the phone against my ear i sometimes thought "it's logical but inapplicable" but on the outside looking in it seemed so obvious to me -- and then looking upon my own life... my own feelings, it all makes so much more sense now. i think i have an idea of where i need to start in my own life... where to start to discover my purpose-- something i've been thinking about alot.

i think in order to understand what i percieve success as for myself, i need to first understand who i am completely as a person... not grasping at what i think i want because of whatever seems to me as "the norm"... but what is REALLY valuable to me. and to place God above all these wants and all these values... and when i've TRULY made God the head of my life it is obvious that He will have an easier time revealing His plan for me, and what my purpose is. Becuase if He were to reveal it to me NOW... i would most probably try to shape it into something that fits my own worldy views and values... until it became something undesirable.

Considering God made me i think He knows better what i REALLY want, what i TRULY need much much better than i do. and instead of praying for material possessions, the love of others, a boyfriend... etc... i shoudl really be praying for wisdom and guidance and the ability to be humble and to love others regarding them as better than myself, and for focus in knowing Him and loving Him with all of my heart and soul and mind. It's so much easier said than done... but i think that's what i really want to achieve... i think that's what i think is real maturity...

i don't know how to end this suitably, but that was a really good reflection of sorts...

had viet noodles with patty and g tonite yumyumyum :) ... food and talk was good :)
tommorow vbs prep-- painting!! :Dkeke
also i added WALL's BLOG!!! check it out!! -- this is at the bottom of a huge long post so i will most likely elaborate tommorow so ppl will actually read it maybe :P