changes

it's been three weeks.

how many things have changed in me since i got here i'm not quite sure... of course, as usual i'm hoping that while there are aspects of me i would like to improve, that my overall character doesnt' alter too much.

i find though, that every day things tht were so important to me getting less important and being replaced by different things. i find myself wanting less and less to know what others think about every decision i make. i'm picking up the phone less. and i'm venturing downt he hall more. i'm wanting freedom, but i'm also wanting accountability from my peers. but somewhere here within these three weeks where i keep thinking about this new start thinking about what's important to me... thinking about making my own decisions, being my own boss. i feel so stupid. i got so scared yesterday ...God is so HERE. like i'm reminded of Him all the time because i have so many christian friends, i have cell groups, ccf, church, etc etc... but i havne't really spent time with God. and i haven't given any of these things up to him. at ccf biblestudy on friday nite... what hit me the hardest was the verse where moses is questioning his own competancy:

"11 But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"
12 And God said, "I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you [1] will worship God on this mountain." "

this reminds me of the beginning of university when i was scared out of my pants that i couldnt' do anything. and now i'm not scared anymore. but everything is jsut *me* figuring out what's right for *me*.. i'm trying to "do" all these things but i get frustrated because even though i'm doing stuff i'm messing up stuff, i'm fighting with people, i'm doing alot of things that are a horrible witness ... why? because when moses asks God who he is to do anything... God doesnt' even *mention* moses' name in return. becuase everything is what He does through us. i've strayed far. i've been "doing" too much and trusting too little. i dunno. i dont' even know why i'm sharing this becuase it doesn't make any sense. but i just wanna get back. there's this starfield song jacqueline sent me that made me cry yesterday. everyone should listen to this song :

Can I Stay Here Forever

Through forgotten convictions
Misplaced affections
I'm losing the sound of Your voice
I've been chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I've been down this road before
I want to get back to where it all began
When I would long for only You

Like a child I'll take You at Your word
As these mountains of doubt, they fade away
I'm longing to trust and love You more
So for me this is beautiful
A brand new thought, and a brand new world
Can I stay here forever here with You?

I've lost sight of what first drew me
To the love that pursued me
The joy that inspired my song
The friendship that was all I knew
The arms that I would fall into
Seem miles and years from where I am today
I got to get back to where it all began
When I would wait for only You

Can I stay here forever
Here with you?
Surrounded by Your mercy
Clothed in Your truth
Always, I'll stay
Always here with You

Can I be here forever
Here with You?
Can I know what it's like
To deeply love You?
Always, Lord, let me stay
Always, here with You

things i didn't expect:

-my feet to be all blistered from walking so much
-that i could miss ppl so much even though you've only known them for 3 weeks and they are only gone for two days.

a mess of things

i feel likei havne't updated in a long time...i knowithasn't been long but everything i've been writing about is like "i did this...and then i did this"...

i don't know why but i thought i'd just automatically start growing up once i got into university .. of course, this isn'tthe case at all. i can't believe summer has been over for two weeks. i haven't done everythigni wanted to do... two books still stand unread, grad pictures still unwritten... and suddenly school's started.all i've really talked about is how fun everything is, and it has been! but i just wanna take some time to share my inner struggles.

accountability
i guess i wasn't prepared for accountability... even though i'vebeen praying for it for a while. there are a lot of temptations here. more so than in highschool... and i keep trying to figure out for myself what is right or wrong or inbetween... what is overstepping the boundaries for me? last year and years past all i'd do is call someone up and be like "is this ok? or is this not ok?" but i just feel like i need to just make my own decisions about certain things. i mean, some things are just a matter of opinion, and it's time i formed my own. but then what happens is there are things that i really misjudge becuase of the heat of the moment, surrounding influence, curiousity... etc.. And God placed someone there to hold me accountable to my actions. i thought that was what i wanted, but at the time i was frustrated. i wasnt' preparedfor someone to straight up tell me how stupid i was being, but now it's like wow. i am blessedwith such a good friend. unfortuneately, i went and made a different mistake instead...

ok i'm stopping here. trying to be vague is just like writing nothing. what i really just wanted to say is that praise God there are ppl here keepign me frommyself. and to my friend-- thanks.

eighteen

a big hug and thanks to everyone who remembered my "day" and took the time to send me an email or msn msg, or call me to say happy bday, or celebrated with me :) thanks for all the cards and gifts and well wishes ... being remembered and spending time with friends is what i wanted the most :)

special thanks to: gy who came all the way up from tdot to see me on mon nite and my floor girls for the cupcakes and the card and all the scrapbook stuff and everything love you girls and deb for seoul soul lunchie and floor girls, jacqueline, alison and jon for bbt :) (ok basically all the ppl i actually spent time with :P)

anywyas i have more to say but i'm so tired... i love you all :)

so first day of classes today... 9:30... so dev, aneta, and i walked down to slc to get timmy's and hten they headed over to mc and i went in the other direction to renison which i wasn't exactly sure where it was so i was sort of panicking :P thank God, i bumped into elsie who just so happened to be in my class so i got there okay :) Lifespan Processes: Normal Events... actually, i think i'm becoming a nerd on the first day becuase i am psyched to read this stuff and psyched to write my paper... it sounds really interesting and ok i'll stop there becuase my old slacker self is disolving off me... gawd please don't let me become a keener! lol just kidding :) i'm just really happy to be able to learn what i like learning about. its' really great :) ok i know it's jsut my very first class. but STILL!

i really need to stock up more on snack food... i was jsut down the hall at whitney's and she has those really good japanese crunchy msg party mix things hahah plus last nite dennis had those fizzy party inyour mouth candies.. gotta get me some of those... frosh 15 is looming.

a few more pics for your viewing pleasure :P dev developed a bunch for me over the wknd!! thanks dev! yay scrapbook!
1. jacqueline, me, kat, alison, and jo at bubble tease
2. rez frosh bbq ... mmmm burgers ;P
3. marilyn speeding up the treadmill on dev lol i love this pic

was gonna post pics but i just got home and my eyes are like drooping so i think i'll do it tomorrow.... this wk's been a blast... still not quite over yet!
everyone went home for the wknd :( :( :( haha at least marilyn's coming back tmrw.. i'm shortening every word.. i think it's text msging that's making me do this. :P

anyhow, adios amigos, bonne nuit.

rez life 101

soo... have the past two days been totally great? ... absolutely. :)
my internet's been messed or slooooooowwwwwww... bah. rez net is having some problems. we all keep getting kicked off msn and our explorer is like.. snail's pace. but i finally got on blogger so i can update everyone on the status on how university (or at least living) is going.

moved into REV yesterday(sunday)... there was a PARADE of ppl in here.. so random... but cool, lots of ppl to help haha.. my sister like put away all my clothes and stuff yayyyy :D here's (1) me and kat before we finished unpacking, you can see my FLOWER laundry hamper! :D (2) my family standing in our room

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ok so i heard horror stories about REV but man, i'm loving it here. i guess the thing is i'm on an all girls' floor so parties would be right diagonal (coed floor)... so it's nice becuase no one's too loud here so you can *choose* whether to party or not. not that there have been too many parties. i mean this is the first *real* day where everyone's actually moved in. so i'm in south a and it's just been really cool ... our don meaghan is uber nice and the ppl on our floor are uber nice :) everyone is really cool but we've formed a little tighter knit group already which is really cool ... basically with me, kat, and jo, emzhei, dev, and anetta (who all went to the same hs in tdot), and marilyn... it's super cuz they're all really fun and stuff :)

oh the a/c stuff is ok too cuz kat and i have TWO fans in our room :) sooo nice. tahnks mom and jiffy!

faculty frosh stuff and opening ceremonies was tonight ... so funny, the theme is "ciVILLAGEization" so like every section is a civilization and South is vikings... so we were painting like viking stuff our ourselves or whatever and i painted beards on me and kat lol ... the stuff was ok tonight... but it got a little long... but the cheering is fun :) kinda like TC only way way bigger :) check out some pics of (1) me and kat and our beards! YAAAAHH SOUTH! haha, and (2)me, kat, dev, jo, and marilyn about to get drinks

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anyways that's my update! gonna crash now, gotta get up at like 7 -_-

all my bags are (almost) packed, i'm ready to goo...

well this is it i guess... pretty insane how fast time goes by.
i figured out tonight that i have way too many clothes :P

so many butterflies in my stomach... but no matter, the show must go on.
going to pick up my key at 8:30 tomorrow

....... oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness...

too many goodbyes

tonight we had our praylude grad dinner thingy at mikey's... just a time to spend time together and thank people before we "head off" to our respective universities and new chapter in our lives... the great thing was just being able to get a chance to talk and say thankyou and just to hear everyone recount the way we saw God's love in eachother and for others to embark their wisdom upon us, perhaps one last time. I'm just filled with this huge overwhelming desire to jump up and praise God for this amazing fellowship and church i've had during highschool, this wellspring of support and love, the funness and closeness of our fellowship is... jsut really abundant.

of course it was an emotional time... our sharing sent most of the girls and some of the guys into tears, words touched me. and of course goodbyes are never easy. dora had to leave earlier to drive back into toronto... and i dunno what happened i think i was like demon-possessed for a bit there the amount i was crying.... i guess i've just never had to say goodbye to my best friend before not knowing when we'll see eachother next. ... life without the full unit of kreazeless this year is just unimaginable (and i mean that in a bad way)... anyways the pictures of me are pretty nasty considering i was totally bawling all night but i posted up a few group shots:

most of praylude (i look 300lbs in this one):




grads with PT and Chris (you can see my swollen eyes looovely):




grad girlies (aka: girl's cell bunch):




kreazeless for LIFE. and longer.:



i just wanna thank everyone again... great times, great everything. best of luck to everyone and stay close. <3

happy birthdays go out to:

-my future (in five days) roommie and bestest kat eeek i'm the last one to turn eighteen now!!! booo ... ok so i'm always last but still! come home from florida safe babe

-ina, the CFO of the drama queen club! lol ok so i'm out of the loop in terms of 'clubness' and i had to go look up on google what exactly a CFO *was* but anyways happy bday :P :)

tomorrow is wonderland... but i'm not excited. boo. i feel really sluggish. and i hate that my summer's ending. i mean, sure it'll be a good time hanging out before school starts.. esp with some of the ppl who are going out of town [heartbreak] but i dont' know what's wrong with me.
okay i'm getting a little depressed right now. basically a lot of it is stemming from my nonexistant pathetic lovelife too .. i mean i can't help it. i just found out from dora that her and kat had this whole romantic time on the cruise and kissed by some gorgeous boys and from joanna that guys are offering to help her move and here i am sitting here ALONE.

and yay i just found out that dora made the whole thing up hahhahaa how completely dora.

and now i'm just sad that kreazeless is splitting in the fall. BOOOOO

taught sunday school today and jo and i showed veggie tales esther as a part of the lesson haha i think it's mostly becuase we wanted to watch it:P .. but actually one of the songs in it served as a good reminder for the coming week. .. term... year... it's the one esther says sings when she's afraid to go see the king and when she jsut doesn't want to be where she is, it's called "The battle is not ours":

Mordecai: You wanted to know why you became queen. I told you God must have a reason.Perhaps he put you here, for such a time as this.perhaps This is the reason.

Esther: Tell me why, I don't understand. Tell me why, or show me your hand. Tell me why because I can't see my way through ~What now...should I...do ~(music plays ) (drums play)

The battle is not ours
We look to God above
For he will guide us safely through
and guard us with his love
I will not be afraid
I will not run and hide
For there is noting I can't face
when God is at my side
No, there is nothing I can't face
when God is at my side

i thought it was cute.. :)

well... there are officially nine days left until i pick up and move into REV...i've been asked by a few people why i'm moving out when i live in waterloo anyways. i have a few reasons for this:

1. i'll meet more people.
2. i want to be more independant. my parents moved to england on their own when they were my age, and i'm fairly sure they want me to have at least a bit of that experience even though mine is on a *much* smaller scale.

other comments/questions i'd like to address:
1. no, i am not going to go home to do laundry
2. no, i am not going to go home for dinner every night
3. no, i'm not moving home even if i want to kill kat :P

with that out of the way haha... i've been trying to think a bit about what i need to do/get before i move in... i updated my wishlist to more university/residence friendly items... i'm trying to get pictures of friends blown up for my wall... goshhhhh... i'm so nervous. i am SO NERVOUS.

*sigh* this was such a pointless post. >.< trust trust trust!!!!!!

at frosh connexions on saturday, it started off with a bit of worship... actually i think it was a lot of worship but we were jsut late getting there. i didn't really know any of the songs but there was one song (which i can't find for the life of me), i dont' remember the title, all i remember is that it was really simple and one part just went
"i'll do my best, i'll do my best whoa, i'll do my best for You" overand over and over..
it kind of scared me becuase i tried to sing it but i couldn't. i could only stand there and sort of mouth the words. i guess becuase i just felt like a hypocryte.

this is not my best.

somewhere within me there is more. ... isn't there?

Ment--err no.

let me reitterate my sensitivity toward the word 'mentor'. i dont' care how long ago whoever said whatever, it still bugs me, and i never said i needed or wanted one. it really burns when you think someone is like this great friend and like you pour out your heart to them and turns out, they just think of you as some "mentoree" or something.. like gawd... i didn't sign up for that camp. sometimes i think i shoudl just stick to having friends my age or younger. of course then i'm reminded of older ppl who i've actually built true friendships with and have to retract that statement. but almost nothing stings more than actions or words that jsut speak to me once again: "i'm not your friend, i'm your mentor."

chinese soup bracelet

tiff and i went to the bead store yesterday and i couldn't think of what to make haha so i started looking at the beads and so many of them were like things that look like they shoudl go in chinese soup :P so i made a chinese soup bracelet :P... yes. i know i'm weird. haha.. ebri says it looks like it owuld dig into my wrist but it doesn't :) beads starting from the big circle thing with a hole in it and clockwise are as follows: round coinish thing with chinese characters (to make it chineseyish), 'lotus' bead, frog!, 'red bean', weird white thing, mushroom, weird orange thing, boh-boh stuff that goes in chinese soup :P, 'green bean', pig, 'dung gua', 'snake', weird white thing number two, and 'dried up prune/plum thing'... hahhahahaa ... aw man. the bead store is so *the* place to be. :P


going back to toronto tomorrow ... but only for a few hours for frosh connexions ... should be cool to meet other loo frosh :) ... gonna head to bed.

my version of shabba's "Diss of the Week"...
the Diss of the Summer

While in hong kong i attended a church that my family used to attend when i was a baby and when we went back for vacations... of course, i hadn't been back in nine years and my family had been going to church with my grandma... but for the sake of english worship, i decided to go back to my old church. The guy who was the chairman that day is a family friend of ours so he made especially sure that he talked about my dad and i.

"Joseph [my dad] has not been back from Canada for nine years. it's great to see him as he was a former member of this church."

then i thought he was gonna skip me, but i was so very very wrong.

"Jasmine is his daughter and well, we can really see big changes in magnitude and size."

cough 'nuff said. :P

was in toronto for the past few days... twas good-- very relaxing which was exactly what i wanted and needed.

spent saturday with dora, we went to her family friends' bbq which was good but i was so jetlagged and we didnt' really have mcuh to do so we both like fell asleep on their couch while watching diving/swimming :P anyways we went back to her place and were being our old crazy selves haha we wrote a "poem" lol about how there's all these girls in toronto who wear clubbing clothes all the time :P .. maybe we're hicks but it's still retarded, we also watched Van Wilder which was hilarious... twas good to just chillax... -- here is our composition hahaha:

Clubbing Girls In Toronto

Clubbing girls in Toronto
Always wear clubbing clothes.
On days when they're not clubbing,
They still wear clubbing clothes.

Clubbing girls in Toronto
Talk like brats wannabe fobs
Even though they were born in Canada
They still talk like brats wannabe fobs.

Clubbing girls in Toronto
Wear really high-heeled shoes.
When they go for long walks
They still wear high-heeled shoes.

Clubbing girls in Toronto
Wear fifty layers of make-up.
When it's time for them to sleep
They still wear fifty layers of make-up.

Clubbing girls in Toronto.
Clubbing girls in Toronto.

sunday i went to mcbc with patty and jeff whcih was nice to worship in english and stuff which i didn't get a lot of in hk :P afterwards we went to patty and gladys' softball game which was really cool cuz i've never watched softball before :P i was jsut like spinning my head around trying to figure out where the ball was half the time :P we saw a clubbing girl there and i was like OMG and jeff was like "shhHH!!" hahhaa after the game we went to ten ren's for bbt and then i went back to gladys' place and had some quality ME time. it was so nice seriously cuz i havne't acutally been ALONE for a month and just to sit there even, doing anything. like i washed dishes and i was so happy cuz i could jsut stand there in an empty house and talk to myself. haha it's hard to explain my glee at spending time with me. anyways gladys came back and we chatted and watched ally mcbeal which is really good and sad and funny! and then i had the best sleep i've had in over three weeks-- no need to freak out about not getting up in time, no frigid airconditioning, no hard ground... oh the sweetness of it.

today i decided to spend with me too hahaha it was so beautiful. i went to indigo and read for 3 hours and then went outside to a hot dog stand and bought a polish sausage, bought a smoothie, and walked down the street to that fountain place thingy where i shared my lunch wiht a pigeon. it was the perfect day. the perfect temperature. and then i headed to the bus terminal and hopped on a bus and came back to waterloo.

and now... i'm bored again.

hey so i'm back in loo town... and yeah. i miss hk a lot. too much.
a part of me just wants to hide out in my house and sleep. becuase i've beenback for so little time and already things are beginning to bug me.
but on the other hand, that would be stupid becuase i guess something i've learned is that God puts you where he wants you when he wants you there. there are good sides to every place, and somethign to take away from every situation.

anyways, i'm excited about helping out with the last day of vbs, seeing all the ppl i miss <3, and i absolutely adore the air here. :)

you know what's even worse? when you have to say goodbye on the phone. or when you don't get to say it at all. and you just leave.

and when people lie to you.

and goign back to a place ... i won't even say it it's a waste of time. i hate this.

going to eat my last meal of sew lung bao and sang jeen bao. goodbye to all my family and friends here. i'll miss you and i love you all.

I HATE GOODBYES.

hung out wiht my cousin fiona basically for the whole day today... went up to her place just to look around and say hi to her cutie son and then headed down to Festival walk for the day... shopped, ate... and then jo came down and we all kinda shopped together... buying disposable underwear for kat's family BAHAHA... such a joke we were freaking out at everything in watsons lol it's not our fault canada doesn't have cool candy or water :P

after that met up with my aunt and uncle and my cousin's sona nd husband for supper.. mm shanghainese... and then shopped again... bought esprit stuff and yeah...

ok so after that i said goodbye to all of them.

ugh it's not fair. three weeks is too short.

anways i just got home from eating thai food with my aunt (that wer'e living with)... sweet... mango shake mmmm... i can't do this. i can't say anymore goodbyes. the older you get the harder it gets. sucks.

monday august 9--12:25 am

random pics: 1) moi and my fob hair :6 2) napkin queen nikita :P haha





today (sunday): the service at emmanuel was pretty good... my friend ian was playing guitar for worship and the team was pretty good... there was this girl playing bass and it made me wanna learn how to play bass :P after church we had lunch with the ling's and the fung's so it was good to chill wth janet again and stuff

we (when i say we i mean my immediate family plus my goojeh and nikita) met up with my parent's friend frances who i knew when i was like three but i left pretty early on cuz i was so tired and went home to sleep for a bit... and then after we went out to this Hak Ka restaurant to eat *sweeetnesss* with my mahmah, yee poh, sumsum, ping guo suk suk, and wingwing... it was like inside some mall in tsuen wan so me and my sumsum went shopping after and i bought like four shirts and three bags meeheeheeheee...

oh yeah i'm never coming home.

Sunday august 8 --12:48 am

had lunch with my uncle's parents and brother's family today :) and then met up with bonnie in causeway bay... was nice to see bonnie again haha she's so glam all "hk'ed up" so yeah we ran around and shopped i got a purse and some make up and some other stuff :) and we had mcdonalds icecream. i think i've been to mcd's at least 6 or 7 times since i've been in hk hahaha it's SO much better than mcd's in canada!

went to stanley for dinner with my fam and janet's family... stanley is really really nice, i suck at barganing though, although i made an attempt at this one store. anyways the stores were basically closing by the teim we got htere... we ate dinner at this nice german restaurant with pillars overlooking the.... harbour? ocean?... yeah. and it was soooper nice to eat potatoes. which i love. which ihavne't had for 2.5 weeks ! lol ... i had a yummy pina colada and me being my loser self i would like to type that i sat sipping my pina colada, wearing a wide-brimmed white hat, watching the waves lap onto the rocks and smelling the sweet sea-salt air. of course it was totally so dark and i was sitting at a round table with like 10 other people haha.. but it was still good and also the apple strudel was lovely as well :)

hk mishaps

haha so a few things i forgot to mention:

on wednesday i got a haircut... i suppose it's not exactly a mishap... i mean, i intended to get a haircut... and it's not that the person did a bad job or whatever, but that (i think) i explained wrong of what i want and ended up with a really SHORT cut. it's *OKAY* ... okay not really. i dunno i just feel like it's really weird. it's short and really REALLY layered ... kinda fobby ... i suppose it would be cute if not for the fact that i think it makes the top half of my head look bigger. not like my head isn't alreayd big enough as it is :P also, (i think) when it's brushed back in a certain way it looks somewhat like a mullet which is the worst hairstyle of all time. but if i brush it in a certain way it looks okay .. anyways it takes too much maintenance so i hope that before university starts it grows out so that the shortest part is at least to my shoulders.

thursday i banged my leg on the rotating metal thing getting into the mtr i have the HUGEST bruise. it spans about two inches length and width-wise and is purple, pink, yellow, and blue.

tomorrow i'm heading out to my old church that i used to go to -- they have an english service and i know the guy who's playing guitar for the worship so it shoudl be good... much needed after a week of incomprehendable freaky lutheran service and a week of no church at all although i confess that lack of facilities shouldn't keep me from staying 'connected' with God. ---- ehhh on that note, i'm off to read another chapter of pdl :P tdl!

august 6, 12:22 pm

i've gotten used to hong kong again... i guess each environment has it's ups and it's downs. The obvious 'up' of hong kong of course being shopping :) ... been dooing a lot of that!

my aunt's resort last week was nice :) really relaxing.. i learned some sammi cheng kareoke songs :) got to spend a lot of time with my aunt who i haven't seen in nine years .. really good. reconnecting with family is just so nice. i wish my relatives lived closer to home ... or i could just never go back to canada... which is what i'm wanting right now.

the transportation here is the best thing. waterloo's public transit is the lowest of lows. but even toronto transportation isn't that good. now when i go back i'll have to go back to walking or begging for rides. it's so sad..

wed-- met up with enoch (my "arranged" husband hahaha so jokes), jeff lam, jo, and alex... hung out at times square and ate mcd's and sushi hehe and then went to this really nice coffee/icecream place near there in causeway bay... after that, slept over at jo's haha hogged all the blankets lol

thurs-- called dor, kat, and mo in the morninnggg :) made and ate jung haha well i only made one ... and then met up with my parents adn aunta nd them for lunch at this viet place... after that we went to all these wholesale stores-- bought beads and a maJILLION other things hahaa all in bulk hahaha... went with all our stuff to my uncle's place, he lives in this like restricted area where only these busses can get in and like htey have all these facilities it's so nice! anyways we bbqed and sorted our stuff :) i love bbq... missed out on two weeks of it this summer!

meeting up with janet and edward today .. and then dinner at janet's tonight gotta gooo seeyaz!

August 2nd--10:04 pm

i spent four days (monday tues wed thurs) in a farming village on mainland china, about five hours away from Shenzhen, called MmmWah (lol my own phoenetics). I expected it to be a place with no airconditioning and no internet, a place in the middle of nowhere where i would be basically cut off from the rest of the world, a place where i would spend many hours sitting around melting. It was all these things. But it was so much more than that. It was a place where the warmness of family i had never seen radiated, where i'd sit at the breakfast table and look out at rice fields and mountains, where i made friends with kids through the sharing of sketchbook paper and muji pens (which by the way are a big deal for these people), where everyone sits outside in the night air sipping tea, watching the motorcycle lights float by, and where the rain falls through a hole in the roof into a hole in the floor and you get up from your shotglasses of tea and wooden fans and kids run outside and yell "lok suay" in Hak Ka, a dialect i can't quite master the understanding of.

i miss it.

my pictures are really crappy (shaky for some reason) but i think even the best photographer couldn't do my feelings justice. in a way, it's really hard coming back to the busyness of hk even after four days at my aunt's resort in china... it's too cold...too hectic... to unappreciative. anywyas, check out the pics. haha a few things to note: the washroom was okay cuz my aunt had a normal bathroom installed for my grandma :P, they don't drink water they just drink this really good tea ALL the time, i will never eat bak cheet gie ever again, and i was never bored. you sat, but you were always busy. i dind't even have a chance to write postcards or read pdl.

view from the front door



rice farmers



our house

hullooo... heading of to china tomorrow morning -- ancestral farm country-- lovelyyy... no a/c. nohting. i'm going to die. DIE I TELLS YA. and i just learned that i'm staying there for FIVE DAYS before i head off to the nicer part of china for only two point five.

anyways.. hopefully it'll be okay ... gonna do some thinking, do some postcard writing...

be back in a week!

disclaimer: sorry if you find my listing off everything i did boring but it's also for my own documentation of my trip :P

Sunday, July 25, 2004.  7:54

hullo! this is my third morning here but it feels like it's been way longer... like in a good way!!!... feeling pretty comfortable here already... also feels like longer cuz my days have just been completely packed it's insannnnnity! i get so tired by the end of the night, not from jet lag but just from exhaustion! lol it's weiirdd.. hoping to post pictures soon but there hasn't been a spare moment to do so... tonight prolly. anyways, this has been my schedule thus far:

friday: -arrive at my 'goo jeh' (dad's sister)-take nikita to musical theatre to watch the kiddies sing SO cute! - take nikita skating, shop at the mall that used to be connected to the old airport..err yeah... i hate mcd's cuz i was so hungry from not eating on the plane-meet up with my 'yee' (my mom's sister) for lunch at a shanghai place for SEW LUNG BOW mmm :9-meet up with my 'mahmah' (dad's mom), 'yee poh'(dad's aunt), 'ping guo suksuk' (his name + dad's bro :p), 'sumsum'(dad's bro's wife), and my cousin 'wingwing' for dinner -meet up with clara at harbour city for bbt :9.. met emily from japan and alison tsang who works in hk :)

saturday:-meet alex at the mtr at 9:15am-meet up with jo and heidi at causewaybay-shopshopshop at times square-- alex got me a guess watch for an early birthday present !! SO nice! .. was gonna get these shoes from Lane Crawford that were soooo niiiicee but i opted for the watch instead, more practical :P -ate lunch at a really nice sushi restaurant mmm sashimiiiii :9 -more shopping -- MUJI!!! i went to the infamous muji hahaha i'm in love.. heidi and jo couldn't stop laughing cuz i was going insane and alex was like "hurry up hurry up" and they kept lining up for me but getting to the front of the line and i'd still be looking around haha i'm goign back cuz i didn't fulfill all my desires but i got a lot of pens and a scrapboook and a pencilcase and BLOTTING PAPER which proves to be actually REALLY useful in hk !!!! .. after that we went to the 10 dollar store! heehehe and took card pics! :D -met up with my family to go to my 'mahmah''s house for dinner so funny... our whole family tried durian (gross!) and yeah it was really nice :) there was a general kinda closeness that was present even though we ahven't seen eachother for so long. -went to visit my friend Janet's family! it's really cool cuz we've known eachother since birth... she's been in boarding school in scottland! we've been neglecting to keep in touch over the years haha but it's awesome we just totally clicked back, i was so nervous it would be weird but it was good :) we're gonna go shopping and i'm dying my hair purple and getting it dipped in hot oil :)

anywyas i gotta get goinnng aeeek!

OH! btw, my roomate next year is kat! hahaha

Friday, July 23, 2004: 8:52 a.m.

i made it! :)
plane ride was actually alot shorter feeling than i'd initially assumed ... the food was so gross. other than try to eat, i watched everybody loves raymond, slept a bit, scribbled around in my sketchbook, read plane letters and a few chapters of PDL, and twisted around to avoid the bump created by the little boy's foot who was sitting behind me :P

driving away from the airport i was hit with jsut a flood of emotion... the mountains look like a painted backdrop and the colourful silhouettes of the buildings remind me of an oversized version of the board game Hotel. reminds me that my blood is in this city, in a way. i want to go back to the hospital where i was born. this place IS me.. a walking contradiction. the beauty of ancient china and the glamour of the new modern age all meshed together. not that i'm all the beauty and glamour hahaha i just MEAN... nevermind lol i'm so happy :)

and now i'm on the 17th floor of my aunt's building in ho man tin :) sooo nice! ... my cousin nikita is the coolest most adorable funny person EVER so gonna post up millions of pics later!!!! ^_^ i lub herrrrr!!! my sister's trying to hog her but she likes me betterrrr!!! she does she does! hahha.. anyways we're gonna go watch her play thing and her skating stuff later and then meet up with my grandma for supper :) and after that probably meet up with clara for bbt! cooz~ anyways i'm gonna go breathe in what oxygen i can get before we go outside again :P

i'm off! :)

leaving in like 5 hrs.. but leaving my house in like 1.5 hrs
heading off to my 'homeland' for three weeks :) SEEYA

but yeah, i'll still be blogging in hk :P

still waiting on my cow.
 
sooo ... got my rez package in the mail today turns out they gave me my second last choice and put me in REV aka v2 ... hahaha... so at first jo, who also got v2, and i were like freaking out at our misfortune... we've heard horror stories about this place. but now, i'm actually pretty excited... not sure who my roommate is yet, hopefully not someone who brings their boyfriend in and .. yeah. not fun. but i'm getting revved up for uni :) seems realer. seems closer... it'll be fun.
 
leaving in twooo days.. wed nite at 10, a.c. terminal1 .. ak! hong kong kong..

a few things i need before i go back to hong kong.

1. Give me my cow back. whoever has my cow had seriously better give it back now. my four year old cousin loves him and she thinks i'm going to bring him back to hongkong with me. and i intend on bringing him back with me. look. seriously, whoever you are if you read this, i'd really like him back. i swear, just give him back and i won't even be angry. i dont' know what motivation anyone would have for taking my old cow and not telling me or giving him back. i am leaving in five days. now would be a good time to give him back.
2. i can't find my battery charger, has anyone seen my battery charger? :P ... ok and for anyone who "maybe you lost your cow too" is running through their head right now... NO. i did NOT. tiff placed him with her things, left, came back and all her stuff was there and my cow was gone.

landslide : stevie nicks
(dixie chicks cover is good too! usually not much of a country girl, but i have a weak spot for dixie chicks and i absolutely love this song...)

I took my love and I took it down_I climbed a mountain and I turned around_And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills_Well the landslide brought me down_Oh, mirror in the sky, What is love?_Can the child within my heart rise above_Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?_Can I handle the seasons of my life?_Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you_But time makes you bolder_Children get older_I'm getting older, too

"childlike enthusiasm"

i am so sick of italian food hahaha... but i love del dente purely for their bread and mints. watched under the tuscan sun at dor's -- i liked it! ... empowering like "i don't need a man to be happy." :)

went to renison and tlaked to the magic computer course registration lady who got me into ISS105R so now i'm taking prereq's for sds ! yay :) china101 apps are still being reviewed by the committee.. i hope and pray that i get in.. eek ! but if not i guess i'll take that as a sign that i'm not supposed to go to china this summer after all..and yah i'll take greek or something.. maybe not though because it's supposed to be really hard? but i'm really thankful that my courses got fixed up a bit

vbs prep these two days (even though i'm gonna miss it :( ).. oh updated viv's link (ovaltine) to her aa pg and added janey's chickvegas which eveyrone already has anyways so i don't know why i just typed either of those two up but i am so tired gonan crash now. ... orrrrrrrrrr finish my book :P almost done! nite

i dont' know who this song is by...

good wknd
sat: -chilled at wall's
-dinner at the choi's (not me) greek foodies!
-watched princess bride with jo on tv
sun:-lunch at marbles with patty
-gluttony lol mmm pieee... and durn quote wall! :P
-hung out at westcourt
-went to watch hockey

gotta finish writing up my grad pics.. and get some breakfast... check out dor's new xanga --- http://xanga.com/changerbanger86

uptown girls

I LOVE IT. ahhhh so cute!

"grownups never stay friends with kids" how frickin true

and "every story has an ending, but in life, the ending is just another beginning"
that's my favourite. i really dont'w anna grow up... i can't stop thinking about it.. had this conversation last nite that just made me not be able to stop thinking about this inevitability of having to .. man i'm gonna throw up. hopefully the fall will be a good beginning. but for nnowwwww... still being a crazy 17 yr old living up her last summer... sort of.

ARGHHHH!H!!!
no one has a freakin right to tell me what i can and can not eat!

oh my GOSH. i am so pissed. i'll eat whatever i flippin wanna eat when i wanna eat it.

at least now i can stomp away and slam a door. in hk i won't even be able to do these things. what the hell am i gonna do in hongkong? we're gonna wring eachother's necks if this continues.

random nice things

shabba and poopoohead -- hearts and love.
sometimes i can just really use a day brightener.

oh yeah, still a bit bummed i won't lie. but i feel like learning from the past a bit. university is not a total bummer, it hasn't even begun. my life is not getting screwed up, it's just getting turned in the direction it's supposed to go. patience? trust? ... i'm relaxing.

bummed.

i'm so frustrated... had my course selection session today
this is not a good start to university at all. like, the courses i'm supposed to take for my major are restricted and UGH i've already explained this too many times it's so tiring. but basically once again things just dont' seem to be working out all too well.. i had to email the person to get slotted into these classes maybe they won't even let me and like FRIGG!.. i prolly won't get into china 101 either which rules out working for evergreen in china next summer for me and just *ugh*

i just thought things would be clearer.

my stupid email won't activate either. and i don't even feel like doing anything right now. i jsut wanna retract into a ball on my bed and cry or something.

"But now you know the true God. Really, it is God who knows you. So why do you turn back to those weak and useless rules you followed before? Do you want to be slaves to those things again? You still follow teachings abotu special days, months, seasons, and years. I am afraid for you, that my work for you has been wasted."

Gal 4:8-11(NCY)

happy belated canada day!

where we parked before walking to columbia lake HAHAHAHA..  



kreazeless at fireworks  



ltr: dora me kat es jo celine viv 



me and kat and my glowstick hahaha 



fireworks! 

pictures from prom, click to enlarge. i'm too tired to upload anymore get Hello!...
i'll stick up some tdot ones later... descriptions from top to bottom, left to right are as follows:
(1) group minus dora :( at pt's before prom... (2)franklin, justin, caleb (3)kat and jo(4)me and jasmit! JAZZY's!(5)jo me and tiff being stupid (6)tiff and alex mowf fuww... haha we had so many plates of food (7)erin and i (8) me and dor (9)kat and caleb haha (10)corsages! (me jo kat tiff) (11)me and alex (10)toast to the end of highschool ... cheers girlies! <3






oh yeah btw, if you noticed, i changed my song ... but i couldn't find any good ones so i need some help... until then it's gonna be Britney Spears- Everytime haha so save your ears from her awful singing! help me find a song ;) lol

well i was abotu to post pictures but it seems as if photobucket is having problems and i dont' want to use hello to post one picture at a time... so the pics will have to wait.

summer has been really great so far.. just a lot of time spent with friends especially kreazeless... times i'm treasuring as much as i can without getting too depressed about it being so close to our 'split'.. picnic tomorrow! :D

this is so stupid. i feel like i have nothing to write about. so i'll just leave you with a few random exerpts from quotes in my yearbook:

something old:
"funny how we both hated eachother in grade 9" m.r.
"I remember our common backpacks from Gap in gym class in grade 9. i love how we both got cooler ones the next year." r.s.

something new:
"have fun in university... but i don't think it will be that fun" w.w. [hahaha...]

something false:
"your so cute + so gentle... and so sweet!" a.k. [... gentle!?!!?]
"there will always be a biology hole in your life" Mr. Deruyter lol...

something true:
"and it was always fun making fun of dora when she wasn't at the lunch table" h.h.
"Jasmine I LOVE YOU!-Brad Pitt" [hahahaha]

something gross:
"try honey roasted irish baby it's a delicacy!" p.g.

words to hold on to:
"I couldn't have made it through these 4 years without you! You have been there through the stress and through the laughter. You have the spunk to go so far and don't forget that the power is all within you!" d.a. [i love you girl]
"Good luck at Waterloo. Don't lead Kathryn astray." MR. WESTOBY!!! hahahahhaa..

hahah okay i'm done trying to balance my yrbook on my desk :P pictures will be up tomorrow if photobucket is running :)

i will take some time this week to post pics from prom and tdot.. i had a really great week :)

however at this specific moment i'm two thirds hurt and one third mellowed out...
sometimes i don't know what to make of things. i get so confused. things appear to be one way but they are another. sometimes people make comments and you wonder what you exactly did wrong because you can't really think of something that bad as what they said. it hurts because you tried but it wasn't good enough.

so... sorry for all the things i did... the ways i acted that i wasn't aware of and maybe still am not aware of. never meant to disappoint/bother.

and on a totally different topic, if anyone knows where my cow is (i'm not saying i think i know in the SLIGHTEST who has it) but if anyone DOES have it... please give him back. because this is just getting ridiculous. i looked everywhere. i've been missing him for three weeks. it's stupid. give him back.

prom was... amazing.

in toronto now with my girlies :)

being ditzy talking it up laughing it up

beach tomorrowwwwww okay dial up. leaving now...

letting go

sometimes being angry feels so good because it leaves so little room for vulnerability.
and even though you say things are fine and you know in your heart that it is only right, and fair, to let go... Sometimes you don't' want to. because that leaves you open again for another hit, another chance at being let down so badly.
that maybe at hanging on to that bitterness for a while longer, it will give you the chance to say "i knew that was coming"... to be braced.

but then, that leaves no room for trust. or love. and, i suppose, on my part, can only be called hypocrisy.

grad lunch

praylude grad lunch today was so funny .. very... prayludish haha.. i'm gonna miss this fellowship. okay i am way too mellow righ tnow to write abotu this. will post pictures later.

omg. i can't believe this week is here. prom. toronto. zoo. finally.

this election chart [from bro1's xanga]is awesome awesome. i was gonna read all the platforms but i'm really lazy.

especially since-- i'm not allowed to vote!!!!!!! :( :( :( just because i'm two point five months under the voting age my opinion doesn't count. lovely.

i like :
- driving around aimlessly ending in girltalk with dora, kat, and tiff
- late night chats with old friends even when you're not sure if they're still awake haha
- angie's with gladys, jo, and kat
- white oleander and c&d with kat
- webcamming with vivvie
- worship with "the choir" (me, benny, amanda, viv), drew, jo, and pt ! hahaha.. .. oh and toby at the very end.

trying to sort out my thoughts on seeing old friends i didn't expect to see. ones who i expected something from and didn't get... and ones i didn't expect anything from and were pleasantly surprised with. or maybe it's better just not to think about it at all. jsut accept things. one for one. it balances out in the end.

anyhow, should sleep soon, gotta teach mando ss tomorrow-- 8:30!!!

testing, testing.. 

it's over :)
thanks God who helped me on my calc exam even though i had pretty much no faith whatsoever
it was easier than anticipated..

harry potter was brilliant~!!!! i LOVED it. WAY better than the first two .. joanna kept saying people toldher it wasn't as good as the first two they LIED cuz it was bloody amazing :) i loved it and i love british people and i love ron. it was a blast hanging out with kat and dawnieeee and amanda :) you girls are awesome :) it's so weird how the mcdonalds connects with the mikeys and boolieeboo lol

... wow... highschool is over...

goign to clean out my locker tomorrow..

studying sucks. but studying with kreazeless... is somehow meaningful. because next year it wont' be liek this. dora will be in ottawa. joanna will be in sciences. okay kat and i are stuck with eachother. but ... still. it won't be the same. and every minute now adays... i stick tight to my heart.

prom is gonna rock :) i have a date-- my date is dora yujie chang hahaha..
hopefully we can take the church bus (still gotta check with pt)
and we're gonna rock rev for an hour hahahaha and then LEAVE and have a slumber party at kat's where we'll toast to our highschool years with pear wine and Now and Then and a movie about university to get us psyched up.
this is what highschool's about. this is what i wanna remember.

calc exam tomorrow
praypraypray please? nites la

yearbook day tomorrowww... for some reason i dont' have the usual exhilaration.
i want the 10 people i'm closest to. the teachers i care about. and out.

i think i just dont' want to read through any scribblings of "have a good summer and a good life!" or "nice meeting you!" ... jsut so incredibly meaningless. reminders of relationships i chose not to build. i find i have so many of those. so many people who are my "friends" who say a hi in passing, an absent how are you. people i'll most likely never see again. not that those "relationships" aren't apprectiated. but sometimes i regret not being able to build them into more meaningful things.

i don't have enough grad pictures ARRRggggg. even though they are ugly i still wanna give them out. if you get one feel so priveledged hahaha... if not you prolly would have gotten one but i gave it away in the hallway on yearbook day.

at dp again-- 3 more days of this..

hehe stole this from eileenie... haha i *am* exhausting. not so sure about judicial though.

J	Judicial
A	Amazing
S	Special
M	Modern
I	Influential
N	Nutty
E	Exhausting

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

well i had my last day of official classes today... there's still yrbook day on monday and calc exam on wed... but no more highschool classes ever in my life. wow. (knock on wood) ...
nothing too too eventful. . . things have calmed a bit in the last two days.. just chilling... went to ccf bible study tonight... and then went and watched some hockey haha it was funny :P and cool too to see ppl who i didn't know played hockey play SO well! also justin taught me how to flip the puck so i could like lift it off the ground hehe so fun.. cept i wasn't doing this on ice or anything my skating skills are... nada and my balancing skills are also nada :P

so, question,what is the line? what is the line that defines when to get mad about something or when to just forget about and not even bring it up at all?

Well I just have to say
Before I let go

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low

just before I let go....

bits and pieces

[this is all exerpted from KREAzeleSS, if you care to read the rest in full context, this is just what i took that fits together to say exactly how i feel]

it was imagined to be the highlight of our highschool lives, the grande finale to this four year opus, what it is, is a disappointment. what gets to me is the pointlessness of it all. how you rejected me, proceeded to ask one of my best friends, and then after hour upon hour of soaking my notes and smearing my telephone in tears, a headache of stepping back and forth in indecision, resentment between close friends, and painful reconciliation-- you tell her you dont' want to go with her anymore. -me-

i think i've been punched in the gut one too many times over this prom business. this idea of "oooh i want a date" that's been instilled in my mind since day 1 has been the cause of my pain, the cause of the scattered pieces of my ego. -jo-

it turns out I don't have the strength I always thought I did. Now prom is coming up and all of a sudden I'm an ordinary ditzy teenager acting like my small-town problems are bigger than everything in the world. -dor-

prom has really done nothing to me but make me feel ugly and unwanted, hurt my friendships, and disappoint me. but one good thing. just one. the knowledge and comfort that when it comes down to it, the four of us are still there for eachother. and we still do put eachother first. and if we all go single (except kat haha)or if we all go with hot dates, we will go with the full intention of having a blast with eachother and ending this year off with the biggest frickin bang you can possibly imagine, regardless of what hurt whoever has caused us. -me-

but prom is supposed to be a time, where high school friends make memories.. one last time. to dress up, have fun, and just.... remember. -jo-

Prom is overated adn guys are just jerks, but most importantly, I love you all. -kat-


i have the best friends in the world.

P.S.
"Screw you and die, I hope you burn.
You think you're worth more than you earned.
You're nothing, you're worthless,
except for these verses.
Out with the new in with the old.
Die."
- Moneen [posted by dora]

But I don’t want the sympathy
Its cool you didn’t want me
Sometimes you can’t go back
Buy why’d you have to go and make a mess like that

i need a shoulder.


i hate being put in a spot where *anything* i say is wrong. so i choose not to say anything at all.

it's like he just walked away... seriously...



and happyhappy bday smily emily :)

rantification

silent scream. breathe out.
i need this time, this time alone to sort out my thoughts to try to understand myself a little bit better. right now i believe my dependancy has hightened to new levels. that along side with my flakiness level.

like sometimes... even though nothing exacttttly happens, do you evr just really need to talk? do you ever call ppl like over and over again just becuase you need one minute of reassurance?
and do you ever get so upset over something and you know it's completely retarded but it just hurts so much and you THINK you want your friend to do somethign about it even if it hurts them becuase 'you would if you were in their case' and you just need that little bit of comfort, and again, reassurance taht they care fro you. that they value you.

and then they do, do somethign about it and it's like-- crap. that was stupid. i'm stupid. loser immature jerk asshole freak. i can never never never win.

HOW sad is it that i feel like the only person i can talk to is someone i've never even met. maybe that's why. maybe it's because they dont' know yet how retarded i am.

awards assembly was today, i got a plaque! cool. it has my name on it :P

oh and i got rejected from macmaster haha :P

the greater picture

i almost don't want to blog about this as i'm still trying to piece my thoughts together ... i'm kind of a mess... just marveling at God's... way.

i got into waterloo. and because of this, i took a step back today just reflecting while i was talking to my mom about the year and how crazily everything was planned out... so intricately... so perfectly.

it's been a crazy year. i say that a lot but it truly has. and i really didn't believe i would get into waterloo, and for a time i was so angry with God that it wasn't coming and all i could think was "WHY?! why after all this crap can't i just have this ONE BREAK. it's the ONLY thing i want" God's been trying to teach me about patience all year but it seems like i never learn, trying to teach me about trust all year but it seems as if i'll never get it. but then... this whole UW thing... was so beyond my control beyond my constant need to "DO" something... and i just HAD to give it to God and just keep reminding myself that His plan and His way were better than anything i had planned for myself. It's like, He's proved that to me so many times this year but i just kept on forgetting. and then with this uw thing eventually after just praying and praying and taking the TIME needed to understand... i think i did. waiting on this praying on this i think when i decided on carleton that God really broke me, that i was truly prepared and trusting that no matter what happened, it was in God's hands.

i am BEYOND happy that i got into UW... but what makes me even happier is that it was withheld from me for that long that this whole year has been lesson after lesson. what would have happened? what would have happened if everything had been so easy so simple... i would be even more prideful and untrusting than i already am today.
the song playing "Gratitude" i have sung to myself every day as i'd purse my lips after checking yet another fruitless mailbox. i think gratitude isn't something to be felt only when things turn out your way or even in looking at the bright sides of things... i think it's something i need to try to feel more of every day in knowing that every single thing is part of this huge picture that i can't see, molding me. He sees so much further. looking back to the beginning of this year i just have to cry because He saw all this and i didn't understand it then.. but now... oh but now...

seems as if He always gives it to me after i kinda figure it out. my main dilemma too was if i got in to uw but not into coop... but i got into coop. so i didn't have to make that decision. it's just so clear.
omg this is getting so long but i can't stop it's jsut so unbelievable.

i have so much to learn.

june is here.
june is here
...
JUNE IS HERE. 7 days til athletic banquet, 16 days til highschool is over, 23 days til prom.

oh! i 'revamped' kat and momanda's blogs for them so check it out :) and also added a couple links (eileenie and superpat)haha

i take it back


i would just like to publically renounce ANYTHING i've said in the past while about any of the following topics:
- ditching
- being pushed aside
- weddings
- prom
... i'm being sincere. really. nothing happened, just sometimes you realize how stupid you're being.

oooh and on the topic of weddings a big congrats to irenie on her big day! :D

dana porter

my first encounter with dp and i like it immensely... it's waYYY cleaner than dc ... and they sell swedish berries here too... very nice. my only beef is tha tit's like GRAVEYARD quiet, which i guess can be a good thing.
anyways i'm actually glad to be back in library mode, there's like a part of sketchbook peace to it although obviously memorizing business terms doesn't exactly provide me wiht the intense joy that scratching out a sketch does ... but it's peaceful none the less.

now if only i had remembered to bring a black pen. *sigh* gonna go eat my berries.

rrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate stupid annoying people who do things PURELY out of spite
things that don't even benefit them but are for the SOLE purpose of bringing others down
and when that fails to work for them they go and cry about it.

shut the hell up!

i can't take this anymore. i can't wait til next year.

took away my poll becuase i've made a decision... it wasn't actually based on the results of this poll but it was interesting to see what people thought :)

[question: If i get rejected from UW, which university should i attend?]
Carleton - for social work 30%
York - for social work 27%
Laurier - for sociology 21%
Ryerson - for social work 12%
UTSC - for social science 9%

i've decided carleton. but lol dont' think i'd be so stupid to pick it based on the results of a poll :P i read, prayed, talked to people... etc... i think i learned this weekend that really, the only reason i didn't decide carleton was because i'm just really scared to go so far away.. and yeah, if i get into waterloo i'm THERE but i think that i need to be open to the possibility that maybe i am supposed to get away.. 6 hours away and trust God that much more. or at least trust Him enough now to make a decision that isn't hindered by my lack of trust. other factors such as campus size and location also contribute.

but i'm still crossing my fingers for waterloo :P

wow i feel like i haven't updated for such a long time... even though really it's only been a few days... :P i'd have to say i'm not really glad to be back...
from the weekend that is. i heart long weekends and holidays and such :)

hmm soo... yeah, went to the United Live concert on friday night which was REALLY good :) they are so much better than the older hillsongs !!! and after that went back to kwcac for 30 hr famine... i guess i was pretty tired after the concert though so i pretty much just went and slept in the nursery with amanda and clara instead of playing video games (although i had a crappy sleep because ppl were playing DDR *downstairs* ALL NIGHT LONG, not to mention screaming whcih was weird becuase i awoke frantically thinking the church was burning down...id unno why) but yeah saturday was spent watching Family Guy episodes at kat's and having long awaited lasagna and perogies for supper :9 after which a bunch of us went and watched shrekII which was really funny :) (click to enlarge pic... i have a lot more pictures so if you want some tell me and i'll send them to you)



on sunday karen was nice enuff to drive me to the bus terminal with the help of joanna's directions so i could bus out to tdot to visit eumie lol it was bad though cuz there was a mix up with stuff and whatever but she eventually found me :P it was scary though, i mean, i get off the bus and there's ALL these thug girls and here i am this little hick from waterloo, ontario with a stuffed purple cow under my arm i was scared i was gonna get beat up so i stuffed him in my bag :P but yeah the two days was really nice... really relaxing. i needed some time away and i got just that. i forgot about everything even the hugs and hellos i'd promised other ppl i'd give eumie for them. i think it was about *here* that the forgetting settled in. something about buildings disappearing into the fog that likened to me this weekend, just out of focus enough. forgive my poor photography skills.



other pics....:



so yeah :) i had a great great weekend and now i'm back -- but it's okay cuz at least there's a half day tomorrow! :D

so i'm in a GREaT mood this morning... i think it's that there are only... errrm 5 hours til the weekend!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D

heidi slept over last night and it was really good to chat and share :) my parents left for long island this morning so heidi was my human alarm clock (a position normally filled by my mother haha).. yeah my parents were actually supposed to leave at 9 last nite and hten they postponed it to 6 this morning and didnt' end up leaving until like 7:30 ... which is VERY typical for my family haha

mm.. i stop eating for thirty hours at 1:00 today! >.< pray for me that i survive and that i get something out of this. every year it's the getting something out of it that i struggle with but joanna tiff kat and i were planning on spending some time in sharing and in prayer tomorrow... so that should be good... :)

oh and i got into western yesterday... which changes nothing for me haha but i dunno... htis week i've seen God make things happen for people. maybe He'll be making something happen for me soon.

in any case, i'm just too excited about the weekend to even really care ;)

congrats tiff on getting into westernnnnn!!!!! *EeeeEe*
tick tock uw... tick tock...

i'm becoming irritable. frustrated.
intolerant. with things in my life, in all aspects i guess, every little thing seems to be making me tick ... but the top three things are:

1. people nagging me or being pissed at me for things i can NOT control. what exactly would you like me to do??!
2. people who hardly know me continually asking me questions about/lecturing me about things that i have VERY CLEARLY stated i do not want to talk about and that are of absolutely no concern to them. not annoyed because they bring it up to begin with but that they don't respect me when i ask them not to say anything about it becuase i dont' want to talk about it.
3. checking the mail has become the most dreaded but most neccessary part of my day.

i need a break. i need to get away from things here. honestly if i don't get some time away i'm gonna blow, breakdown, it wont' be pretty.
luckily i see victoria day weekend and a GETAWAY not too far in the horizon:

- 30 Hour Famine -- anyone wanna sponsor me? :D email me :)
- hillsongs concert
- visit eumie in toronto! :)

and luckily i'm not in sciences or accounting so i don't really have exams to worry about! whee!.. what's everyone else doing this wknd?

mmm :9 home from a much much MUCH needed hot pot night at westcourt

had some good laughs and some good food :) and good company (mostly, haha jk)
.. sometimes that's all you need.

i'm not going to prom.

i just can't now. not after that. i feel like the ugliest person in the world. i know her words were unintentional... and in part not even serious. but every joke holds it's truths and those truths really hurt too much that the most i can do right now is not cry.

it's like i can't even really talk about it to anyone either it's just too embarressing too shameful... i'm afraid that i'll say something and people will be comforting me with their words but inside they'll be thinking "well i kind of agree with that... that's not too far fetched"... it' sjust like one of those things you don't really forget ever.

no one can make you feel inferior without your consent but i FEEL INFERIOR. i can't NOT consent. and i can say and logic out everything possible but i will never stop wondering whether or not these things are true. if i really am that.

so unless i find some amazing guy who suddenly wants to go to prom with me-- i'm not going. i really dont' think my heart can take another kick.

happy birthday nate and oh!!!

way WAYYYYY too hot

i thought i missed summer weather... uhh no. it is SO hot. i died at practice today cuz it was so freakin hot and now in my house we haven't turned on the a/c yet (and my mom refuses to turn it on for some reason) everything is hot and sticky. like the bottoms of my feet are hot. it's sticky in here. it doesnt'help to open the windows either.

oh and here's a pic (courtesy of jo) of me viv jo and tiff after the wci vs jhss game on fri... i look like O_o because i just played. and my shorts are white because the field wasn't muddy :P



i'm gonna go get some icecream.

song of the moment: Tension : Our Story ... tension is awesome. i. am. a. fob.

sob. haha

i had a good weekend and now it's back to school again... eeeeeeeee.. ok. not complaining.

we played tiff's team on friday which was really fun! :) score was 37-5 for us and i got my arm bent back weird i was totally running for a few seconds with no feeling in it...
went and saw Mean Girls later that night--- SO funny. everyone should see this movie... yeah good times hanging out with the girls and stuff :)

mm...saturday is in the previous post...

sunday-- wow. this was like TRAIN WRECK DAY. i somehow did something to my alarm clock and it just was stuck on 8:30 ... i wanted to get up at 9:00 seeing as i knew i was leading worship but every time i looked at my clock it said 8:30. ok ok i know that it should somehow register in my mind that it wasn't changing but i was sleepy! ... sooooo i got to church at like 10:10 only arriving to find it was technically okay that i was late because our powerpoint got ERASED! i have no idea how. we'd used it the night before cuz we did the same set for the yaf on sat nite... anyhow it was pretty embarressing having started late and just woken up basically 10 minutes prior.. when i started singing it was the first time i'd sang that morning. it was SO AWFUL. i apologize to those whose ears i hurt.. haha but i am sure God understands, knowing the circumstances :P
after service i went home to shower and then we went up to tiff's for a bbq :)

yeah... bought some white flip flops which some girl STEPPED on the back of them today!!!! brand new white flipflops already tainted haha :P

oh also-- if you're bored, take the FOB test ... i got 50% O_o

reasons

i started this weekend out in a really disappointed kind of attitude.. see, a bunch of us were supposed to go down to toronto to visit euming from fri nite to sunday afternoon... we were supposed to go to the zoo today (kinda funny cuz kreazeless has been trying to get to the zoo together since grade nine :P) but because of conflicts and incontrolable inconveniences, our plans fell through and we didnt' end up getting to go. and so yeah, i was really bitter and i guess i felt like i really needed this trip out and whatnot...

Tonight there was this joint fellowship thingy between young adult (our parents) and praylude. i'd heard about it for a week... and i really didn't want to go. i mean, i heard it was going to be some sort of panel discussion or somethign and i was just so bitter thinking how can i go to this thing when i *should* be in tdot visiting eumie?? .. but...i ended up going. and i'm really glad.

sometimes... God has all these reasons for things that you don't know until so much later. that's been happening to me a bit this year. and tonight too. PT did kind of a workshop type thingy and i felt like it really applied to me, got me thinking alot. although, perhaps i felt at first that it was a really lame exchange of plans for the weekend, it's where i feel God really wanted me to be. wanted me to hear these things firsthand. about humilty. about seeing ourselves the way He sees us. letting Him work instead of trying to 'fix' everything ourselves.

something that was said really hit me. something like "pride is when we become independant and think we can do things ourselves, think we have to fix things"... i'm not sure if that was the exact wording but something to that effect. i guess i started thinking about UW. about how maybe if i dont' get in, it could be because God wants to put me in a situation in which i'll have to rely completely on Him, instead of being somewhere where i feel like i'm still somewhat in control. not that i dont' want to go to UW still ... but it made me think about good reasons of why maybe God *could* choose a different path for me.

and it was good to have discussions with different people... fun even. and it was really good to be able to fellowship with my family. (well with my parents)... to pray with my family. we dont' really get the opportunity to do that alot. to share, to pray for eachother... and so, i think i understand the reasons why i wasn't in toronto this specific weekend. although i would have really liked to go. and although i miss people alot. and i wanted to go to the zoo... sometimes... it's not really up to me. i really have to recognize these things earlier. recognize these type of things before God displays before me the answer, the reasons His way is always so much better. i guess it's jsut hard becuase i *am* proud, and untrusting.

How humbling.

okay so i put up a poll on the side bar under "vote" because i'm having trouble deciding and i'd like some outside opinions soooooo everyone HAS to vote-- even if you don't know, just vote. dooooo it. okay? fenshoo! :)

oh and i added some new linkies : abe from lazarus, michellie, and shabba aka anita tong :)

"Is it fair to say i was lured away? By endless distractions and lovelier attractions then
Or fairer still, my own free will is the better one to blame for this familiar mess I've made again" nn

is there such thing as a 'neccessary evil'?
is it so bad to take the 'easy way out' of things when you know that you can do better after situations are fixed?
sometimes it's like there's so much pressure and then you'd jsut rather do one little tiny wrong thing that will make things pressure free as well as clear the slate for the future. i know it's not exactly good... but is there a little space for something like this as a Christian?
good gawd. what kind of a person am i? ......... one that just needs things to be okay *now*.

hm.. so had lunch with kare, heid, and jo today and then went back to kare's place for a bit geetared and stuff it was really good :) haven't had time with this specific group for a while :) reminded me kind of of old times .... cept without my tantrums haha went over to waiki's 'bachelor pad' for a bit after that had some chocolate icecream :9 oh and borrowed his nichole nordeman cd wheee so i've been listening to it over and over for the whole night haha

oh! and i finally saw love actually on fri nite after praylude--- SO GOOD!!!!! *gush*

may....

okay i'm back. bring it on. :P

my blog and i are breaking up temporarily.
temporarily means within the time span of a day and forever.
this place is just too... much for me lately. not too much to update but just too much in ways i can't explain.

in the meantime you can find me at http://jazzmoo.blogspot.com my new linkless, commentless, imageless, stream of conciousness blog... as i said it's commentless so if it so strikes you to comment feel free to drop me an email at my new email addy moomoobear@gmail.com.
be warned though, the idea of this one is that it's completely for myself and if you ahve the urge to tell me after reading it that i am completely self-absorbed, i can assure you that is my intent.

okay ciao until 'next time' :P

i had the desperate need to destroy myself in some way

sometimes when it all just comes down to your own inabilities... inadequacies... sometimes when you just can't trust right

no matter who you think hurt you or tore you down

it comes back here. to this place where i wanna rip my own heart out so no one else can. walk away from myself so no one else can anymore.

life is hard but God is good. but i'm not.

what is it i need to become that woman of God. to give that all that i haven't given, to gracefully retract my clenching will from it all? to surrender. to learn. i don't know i don't know i don't know.

happy birthday tara!

the first relaxing day in over a month

practice was cancelled today i'm pretty sure i stressed kat out by walking back and forth from the school getting stuff i'd left behind... i'm so incredibly absentminded. yesterday i left my bag on the bus when we got to grand river and then i left my vest on the field when we were leaving.. the assistant coach thinks i'm the biggest dork. well i am but still haha..

anyhow, chilled at mikeys, got some bbt at teashop saw eunie, went to eumie's and after dropping some stuff off at the kershaw place got dinner with eumie and eunie at golden mango (so full still), then went back to eumie's and talked and took down lights and stuff... it's crzy i'm never gonna see that place again it's kind of weird, until jo and i live there if we go to waterloo hahaha (i had dibs since grade 10~!!!) yeah but.. id unno it was nice to just chill and not do anyhting not worry about work ... say goodbyes... .kinda sad... okay really sad.

got home and found out i got into ryerson whee!... id unno.. okay i should be happier. maybe it's because i'm sad that eumie's leaving... or maybe it's just i dont' know how to decide between the three i've gotten accepted to.. the simplest solution would be to have uw accept me. or at least reject me so i know i have to decide. not htat i'm not thankful to get another acceptance! really i am... getting antsy i guess.

put up some christmas lights.

happy 18th jobanana!!!!!! cna't believe this. its' insane... 3- 18 .. gawd. YOu're not sick of me yet!! :D ... haha... things you can do now: vote, sign yourself out, sign forms, buy ciggies, rent porn, everything your parents say you can't do haha (irt the last three-- i said you CAN didn't say you WILL :P)

saltfleet was a blast :) i actually played despite my absences.. got my face stepped on good times good times

so i came home and a few seconds later lo and behold my parents are frantically telling me to open this letter from carleton and... i got in! :) praise God! i think he really knew how much i needed this right now. he does generally have very good timing. :P and with everything... just... this is a big encouragement :) thanks God.
hmm.. soo maybe i'll be in ottawa next year...

after tomorrow i will be FREE (pretty much)! INSTEAD of at home doing homework til ungodly hours of the night i will instead be found engaging in these activities:
- exhibition game at grand river tmrw
- shopping
- WATCHING THE O-C
- farewell dinners.......... :*(
- sleeping sleeping sleeping and more sleeping

basically-- NOT SCHOOL STUFF. ahhhhh :) i can almost taste it :)

p.s. YAY LEAFS!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha
my dad bought FOUR desks each for $3 and two chairs for $1 from that uw surplus place :P so crazy *four* desks!! what do we need four desks for??

saltfleet tourney tomorrow... should be interesting since i haven't been there for the past two things she's not goign to play me. ahhh wells. i'll be the photographer. i do that better anyhow :)

do you ever know things but pretend they aren't happening, and get really defensive when people spot them becuase you just really dont' want it to be happening so kind of by denying they're happening it's like they aren't happening even when they are? did that make any sense? lol

little plant

what's harder than doing everything you possibly can to change...

is doing nothing at all and letting God change you himself.

but maybe... it's time to let go of self-empowerment and and pray for the power of the Holy Spirit to work in the unworkable.

not a whiney post

not that i'm not allowed to whine here. it is *my* blog afterall. but i'm not gooiing to!

guess who called the other day? ... abel! :P
for those of you who don't know... that is my driving instructor that i stood up in december ¬_¬(oops) becuase of course switching stuff and never had the guts to call back. "it's been a long time..." he says... and apparently my lessons are going to expire soon so i have to get them done. so monday it's back to the driving lessons for me :P not that i haven't been driving ... but i forget how to park... eeek.

i got my hair rehilighted.. well it's the same colour just the top part isn't black now so it's all hilighted once again.. and i got a trim... nothing BAM .. like you migh tnot really notice if i didn't tell you or you werne't really paying attention. but i like it. the split ends are gone hair doesn't feel so much like straw.

i have valentines sitting on my desk and i don't have the heart to throw them out. i can't mail them now though-- i should really get into the habit of finishing things that i start.

everyone check out jo's blog it's nice she changed the layout so no scroll bars yay i think scroll bars are really annoying and i want to change my layout too though cuz i'm getting bored of it but of course, i'm too lazy.

i want a baby.

sometimes when something really bad happens and you know you can't do anything about it, wouldn't you rather just cry it out and not talk about it?
because you know that if you talk about it people are either going to criticize you or offer possible solutions when you know there is no solution. And even if there are technically solutions to your one problem, they are either unethical or spawn new problems...

so i think the best solution would be for me to mope under my covers and cry until my eyes fall out of my head. and then mope about it some more. unfortunately that will have to be detained until i finish prepping for this presentation. but if anyone wants to call me and tell me how wonderful of a person i am and that everything will be fine that would be appreciated haha jk ;)

what comes after

a good cry. it's surprising
really
how tiring sobbing under a comforter can be
and how easy it is to fall asleep and
forget,

waking to swollen eyes
but walking into a restaurant to find european
caring,
sticking up for you.
it's nice when people are on your side,

funny family, even though they didn't used to be
that,
they include you, as if you belong.
"our own people"

and finding the restaurant you hate for lunch makes an excellent dinner.

i like how i can spend a day thinking about this and that... about change people life wants hurt ... everything... and it really comes back to this. who cares.
who freakin cares?... :) it's so good to come back... i'm always knowing that He's all that matters... but not neccessarily KNOWING knowing. such a peace.

"Your love is better than all things/ Your love is better than all things/ And I don’t have the strength of words/ To tell You truly how I feel/
My God, You are the only one/ For me, the only one for me/ My God, Your love is better than all other loves/ And now You’re drawing me/ And I just want to be closer to You"

the 'm' word

i really haven't thought about 'm'aturity for quite a while. i think it's jsut becuase university is approaching and i'm afraid that i'm not ready. i used to give maturity a lot of thought, alot of time... i guess it used to matter to me a lot more.
mostly because when i was much younger and hanging around with older people i felt looked down on or judged because of my age, and i was determined to prove that i was more mature than they initially judged me to be before they knew me. which i guess is an immature thing to do in itself.
the thing about being younger though, is that people make up excuses for you for the stupider things you do... People used to tell me i was 5, 6 years more mature than my age... but i think it's because the immature things i did were brushed off because of my age. id unno. i guess i'm just used to getting away with things all these years that now it's like certain immature thoughts/things that i do are still here. but now i'm turning 18... no longer subject to agist judgements ... that i don't really care... and maybe i even try to be less mature sometimes because i think that's the way i'm "supposed" to act... and people don't make 'excuses' for me anymore...

in any case, last night someone told me i was "half and half" in htat sometimes my thoughts and reflections are really mature, but sometimes i act super immature... and it was weird thinking about this. i didn't realize i was such a flake :P i think i'm just really immature all the time hahaha... the point is......... i don't know what the point is, this is just on my mind and i felt like typing it out.
BLAH I HATE SCHOOL.

congrats jo on your baptism yesterday!!!!! :) :)

after that we had pho and then kreazeless+mo went to see ella enchanted hehe which was good! and really cute :) anne hathaway is cool. everyone should go see ella enchanted it's funny :) not to mention the guy is pretty cute too ;)

The Old Rugged Cross

On a hill far away stood an Old Rugged Cross,
The emblem of suffering and shame;
And I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain.

So I’ll cherish the Old Rugged Cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the Old Rugged Cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.

Oh that Old Rugged Cross, so despised by the world,
Has a wondrous attraction for me;
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary.

In that Old Rugged Cross, stained with blood so divine,
A wondrous beauty I see,
For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
To pardon and sanctify me.

To the Old Rugged Cross I will ever be true;
Its shame and reproach gladly bear;
Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,
Where His glory forever I’ll share.

highlighter hands, highlighter nose, heavy feet ankles, weak
suppose for a moment that i didn't constantly fall, what a joke
it's that extra centimetre i couldn't jump foot or two
i couldn't run without
gasping
it's that basket i make when no one's looking
but those flustered fumbles that happen when all eyes are turned
around
it's that thing i never called poetry until i was
convinced
and then it's like i did something so wrong to feel remotely good about myself. and it's in my face again how i really can't... how it isn't.
what always happens
like i'm not allowed to be happy for too long, i hit myself
for telling people i want to go to uw next year
like that'll happen.
and then i'll have to live with everyone knowing i got rejected
again.
abandoned
as always.
and i wonder, why did You die for this piece of garbage?

my 'visual' has changed now to a slideshow instead of just one pic :P check it.
i didn't make up the code or anything it's from codelifter :P more coming but i'm too lazy to upload anymore imgs right now.

potpourri

- my business teacher cried today saying about how much she loved our class and was going to miss it. it was soo sad! i really like her, i mean, she's a good teacher despite her messing up of my mark. she keeps me interested. i like international business. but not this report i'm writing. all nighter? most likely. i will post when i go to bed.

- a saying i dont' believe in is : Absence makes the heart grow fonder
that's not true at all. sometimes people forget or sometimes there's jsut so much going on that if something's not right in your face you dont' really think about it. and the less you think about it the less it matters and the less it matters the even LESS you think about it and... andd... okay.

- rugby has been okay... i've toyed with the idea of quitting. ms. a is less understanding this year (most likely due to her pregnancy) and sometimes i just have work to do and can't go to practice. i mean on a balance-- university or practice, university or practice... hmmm. i think i pick university.
but it's been good. the team is great all except well, christine who i already didn't like last year. yesterday she tried to tackle ms. a. 8.5 months pregnant ms armatage!!! like HELLO i knew you were stupid but i didn't think you were THAT stupid. it was really funny though everyone was just standing there giggling. the tournament was fun too though, and i'm getting a sweater and pants with rugby and my name on them which is exciting :P

- i can not WAIT until after practice tomorrow. weekend = sleep.
btw, does anyone know how much it costs to get things bound at kinkos?

And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better

Fragile, frail, and so far from who we wanna be.